YearlyKos Update: Registration ends in 3 days. And due to a scheduling conflict with the blue-ribbon YK07 Health Policy Panel discussion (announced moments ago), the gallbladder-tossing tournament has been moved to Sunday.
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Let's Try This Again, Shall We?
Since accomplishing their current list of benchmarks appears to be beyond their grasp, C&J suggests that the Iraqi government start fresh with a slate of more modest goals:
Write your name and say it out loud.
Catch a ball.
Find the round peg and use the big plastic hammer to pound it into the round hole.
Make a happy face. Make a frowny face.
Tie one shoe. Now tie the other shoe. If you can't successfully negotiate the laces, you may substitute buckles or snaps.
Build a Baghdad marketplace out of Legos.
Drop a Menthos into a bottle of Diet Coke and tell the rest of the
classparliament what happened.
Putt the golf ball between the windmill blades and hole out in 3 strokes.
Clean your room.
Compare these two pictures and spot the differences
Once they accomplish these tasks (six months, 60 billion dollars, and 500 more American lives should be enough to tide them over), I'm confident they'll have gained the necessary skills to move on to the next level. Like, say, taking a pee without tinkling on the floor. Until then, Iraqi citizens, you're on your own.
Meanwhile, Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Note: I'm sorry, but your preexisting condition prohibits you from reading C&J today. Please step aside. Thank you. [Ker-SLAM!!]
By the Numbers:
Days `til the 2008 general election: 487
Days `til the annual Winter Harbor Lobster Festival: 30
Number of people who have lost their virginity at the Winter Harbor Lobster Festival: 36
All Star Game: American League 5 National League 4
Amount Americans gave to charity last year: $295 Billion (A record)
(Source: Financial Times via The Week)
Number of times the U.S. military killed al Qaeda leader Kamal Jalil Uthman: 2
(Source: Think Progress)
Amount U.S. retailers lost to theft last year: $41.6 Billion
Amount shoplifted from #1 target Wal-Mart, whose customers are much more likely to be fundamentalist Christians and thus the staunchest defenders of the commandment Thou Shalt Not Steal: $3 Billion
(Source: Houston Chronicle via The Week)
Mid-week Rapture Index: 156 (including 1 Sunday brunch with Rep. John Conyers and 3 carbon offsets purchased by a Republican). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Bone, Interrupted
CHEERS to an arrest-free weekend. A gaggle of DailyKossacks descended on Portland, Maine last Saturday, including Predictor, Irish Patti, Poli Sigh, Brillig, 42, Debbie in ME, TallMom, Danno, Sobermom and AnneElizabeth...plus a gaggle of family members. We ate, drank, shopped, and impeached Bush and Cheney. Not necessarily in that order.
JEERS to inaction. How important is net neutrality to you? If you'd like to avoid having some web sites---say, perhaps, DailyKos---load...
Keep in mind that there's only 5 days left to tell the FCC to keep their paws off our virtual universe. Go to savetheinternet.com and send a message. Be firm but polite. At the same time, never underestimate the power of a well-placed "Gol'durnit!"
CHEERS to roping a dope. Neocon gasbag Fouad Ajami---who once described pre-pardoned Scooter Libby as a marine left behind on the battlefield---thought he'd get the usual Chris Matthews soft-glove treatment last Friday on Hardball. Instead he ran into a fact-based buzzsaw operated by guest host David Shuster. Take today's C&J poll and help send a message to MSNBC: get this guy a gig!
JEERS to good shots. On July 11, 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr killed Treasury Secretary and "Bit of a Prick" Alexander Hamilton during a duel. Little known fact: the weapons were Super Soakers and Hamilton actually drowned. It's true---I read it on Conservapedia.
CHEERS to a new pair 'o duds. About those newly-released books dissecting Hillary Clinton that were going to set off a new round of SCANDAL! and CONTROVERSY! Practically speaking, they arrived DOA and went downhill from there. But nice try.
P.S. After two weeks in release, the paperback version of Ann Coulter's Godless is rising fast...on the list of books languishing on the
50 25-cent rack at yard sales. Breaks yer heart, don't it?
JEERS to messages that don’t inspire confidence. This notice was emailed to me at the office yesterday: "Apparently the elevator is shaking right now, but is totally safe. Some parts have been ordered and it should be repaired soon. The building manager has suggested using the stairs in the meantime." I think I'll continue my normal routine of rappelling up and down the outside wall, thanks.
CHEERS to Frank Rich. After ticking off all the ways in which President Bush has lived his life according to the book Cowardice For Dummies, the New York Times columnist puts the Libby commutation into perspective:
No one can stop Mr. Bush from freeing a pathetic little fall guy like Scooter Libby. But only those who paid the ultimate price for the avoidable bungling of Iraq have the moral authority to pardon Mr. Bush.
That sound you hear from the barracks in Heaven: crickets.
JEERS to one of the Very Serious People. Last weekend on Fox News Sunday, The Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said: "I think the president is poised for a comeback." In other news, Webster's Dictionary has revised its definition of comeback as: "Anything that crashes into a mountain of shit, catches fire and blows up." Please make a note of it.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.
Gilda Reed, who is running for the House seat in Louisiana's first district, wonders why the Times-Picayune is ignoring her: "Is it because I am female, or a Democrat?"
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
CHEERS to Great Moments in Sports. On this date in 1914, Babe Ruth debuted in the major leagues with the Boston Red Sox. We include this bit of trivia to shamelessly remind the world that the Sox are 11 games ahead in the AL east. Moving right along...
JEERS to the sound of silence. The following is an advance transcript of today's Senate Judiciary Committee testimony by former White House political advisor---and three-time Oval office Karaoke Contest runner-up---Sara Taylor:
Memo to Chairman Leahy: if that's her attitude, don't put any of that fancy bottled water on her table---give her whatever comes out of the tap. In a dirty glass (or maybe Rick Santorum's old "World's Best Asshole" mug).
JEERS to whiners. Katie Couric before: "I anchor the CBS Evening news! I'm a serious journamalist! Just watch me!!" Katie Couric now: "If I'da known I was going to have to do serious journamalism, I never would've agreed to anchor the CBS Evening News!!" Sounds like someone needs a nap.
CHEERS to #6. On July 11, 1767, John Quincy Adams was born in Braintree, Massachusetts. Like George Bush, Adams's fanatical devotion to fitness was not without consequence. From Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents:
While president, he set time aside virtually every day for a swim in the Potomac---a preoccupation that nearly killed him when, upon rowing with a servant to the far shore with the intent of swimming back, a storm brewed. After their flimsy canoe filled with water and sank, the two only barely made it to the far shore. The servant set off in search of clothing, and JQA waited patiently, sitting naked on the riverbank.
If you're just sitting down to breakfast, we apologize for that visual.
One Year Ago in C&J: July 11, 2006...
JEERS to deficit deception. Here's how the game's played: the White House deliberately puts out a terrible deficit forecast. When the actual deficit numbers come out, they make it sound like it's Free Ice Cream Day in America:
The President: Our original projection for this year's budget deficit was $423 billion. That was a projection. That's what we thought was going to happen. That's what we sent up to the Congress, here's what we think. Today's report from OMB tells us that this year's deficit will actually come in at about $296 billion."
[Applause, confetti drop, marching band plays We're In The Money, old people throw away their walkers.]
Next, the reality-based community steps in to point out that it's still the 4th-largest deficit ever (the top 5 all happened on a Bush's watch). And the final step: George W. Bush continues to be the worst president in history. Remember that, children, when you're paying all this shit off.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the many flavors of liberals. Dan Kurtzman, who maintains a mighty man-size vault of political humor at About.com, is out with a new book called How To Win A Fight With A Conservative. Chapter one includes a quiz to help you figure out just what kind of liberal you are. You can take it online here. I'm a Reality-Based Intellectualist. So clearly I've broken Dan's poll.
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Qualities like wood stiffness...will be linked with Bill in Portland Maine, making future breeding programs more efficient."
Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization