July 18 - 21, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays were chosen for a start, but other commitments force switching to Thursdays instead of Wednesdays beginning next week. Past editions are here.
Date: Monday, 18 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
The big step is over. I mailed my checks to Neenah, registered mail. It was another day of running around to get it done, but I managed it, with still $266 in my checking account and $95 left in credit on my AT&T Universal Card. I also mailed a photo to Sarah W, so there may be a new .gif available soon [I really need to scan some old photos one of these days--ed]
After going to the bank and getting the last of the cashier's checks, I went to the shoe repair place and dropped off a couple of shoes to be repaired. It's getting really old having only two pairs of shoes to wear. I then dropped in at Laura's Cafe for a grilled cheese. It's really pleasant there since the waitress has been bringing her kids...a girl about 2 years old and a boy, about 6.
I called Dr. Schrang's office on my way downtown and inquired about my status and discovered that they had yet to receive a letter from Dr. Ron [previous physician--ed] concerning my hormone therapy. :-( (he told me he had sent it quite some time ago). So I called Dr. Ron and, after being put on hold twice, finally got to talk with his secretary, who said that she would try to get the letter out ASAP.
Other than making sure the letter is there in time, I'm pretty much set. I have to pick up the airline tickets by the 28th (which requires that I wait for the mail service to do it's job in a timely manner...I've decided to be trusting in this). I need to do my laundry (probably this weekend), arrange for rides to pick up the tickets, to catch the flight on the 7th of August, and to be picked up at the airport when I get back on Labor Day (sort of appropriate, since I am returning from my "birth"), and go to Walmart to fill my scrips and pick up the necessities of convalescence, as outlined by Kristin and Allison. I sure wish I could find one of those silicone dildoes they mentioned [Get your mind out of the gutter. :-) This is for aftercare, so that the "wound" does not heal shut. There is mucho numbness and pain at that stage, not pleasure--ed], but it's unlikely here since the shops that would carry that sort of thing have been closed down in the recent porno sweep (it is an election year).
I also hope that I can talk Robert into going with me to the lesbigay group in Little Rock, so that I can say goodbye to everyone before I go.
And I ordered my ticket for the University and Community Art production of Sweet Charity on Friday, which includes a student of mine in the cast and was possibly my favorite movie ever...but then, I wanted to *be* Shirley MacLaine when I was younger (of course, she was much younger then, too).
If they could see me now,
That little gang of mine,
I'm eating fancy chow
And drinking fancy wine.
I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact
The kind of top drawer, first rate chums I attract.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Tuesday, 19 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
I thought yesterday would be my last day for running around for awhile. I was mistaken. :)
Today I was offered a lift around town to do whatever I needed to do by Robert, so I took him up on the offer. First it was off to the bank to deposit some checks (I will thank those who sent them individually, but a huge collective THANK YOU for now). Then it was over to the shoe repair place to pick up the shoes I dropped off yesterday. Finally we went out to Walmart, where I filled my scrip for spiro to last from now to about 4 or five days before surgery (spiro has a short half‑life and can be taken longer than the hormones can...today was my last day on estrace). While there I also purchased food for the next couple of weeks and several of the items listed on Kristin's list of necessities. In repayment to Robert I bought each of us lunch at the McDonald's in the back of Walmart.
[Note to the audience: Walmart is an Arkansas company...some of you may not have a Supercenter near you, but we have them here...one can do almost all of hir shopping there, including food, have one's hair done, eye's examined and glasses made, portraits made, eat at a McD's, have one's car repaired...just about anything you would need done. This is not a commercial... my point is that one can live a self‑contained life in a Walmart...that's scary.]
Back at school after dropping off my groceries and things at home, Rita dropped by my office. It's been about a year since I have seen Rita. She really didn't like UALR, so she is transferring back to UCA beginning in the fall. She is registering for my college algebra class. I'm really not sure about having someone in my class I used to smoke dope with. But Rita is a fun person and it was nice to see her and have a chance to talk with her this close before surgery.
Having to returned to Main [Main Hall is the building my office was in--ed} from a drive around the area with Rita, I stopped by my office and picked up my mail, then decided to stop by AV downstairs in the basement. Mike, one of the student workers, is going to be in Sweet Charity this weekend and I wanted to tell him I was going to be there on Friday night. We chatted for quite awhile, and when Dave joined in on the chat, he started asking questions about the surgery. Dave is really strange in that he is fascinated by the existence of transpeople and has seen almost any movie or video about them. I suppose in another situation, Dave would be what we call a transophile, but he's not...just fascinated by the process. He used to sell medical equipment before being a chef and a clown on public TV and then becoming director of AV Services on campus...maybe that's why he's so fascinated. Try as I might, he kept bringing the subject back to talk of hormones and surgery (much to Mike's discomfort, I might add :-) ).
Dr. Ron's secretary called to say that the letter will be going out tomorrow and that with Dr. Ron's approval, they will mail me a copy to take with me just in case.
I also had Curly (of Larry, Moe, and... (our net.admin people)) stop by my office at my request to have a new account set up to me, one that I will be able to log into remotely. The new address on a Unix machine, when I change it over just before I leave for Neenah, will be [deleted], but mail sent to the old address (on a Novell machine with no ftp or telnet access) will be forwarded to the new one. I'll be signing off all 4 of my lists temporarily, but I don't want to miss any private letters.
I'm just trying to take things easy but I'm starting to get very excited. :)
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Wednesday, 20 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Some days, nothing much happens. The computer network here has been down for much of the day, so there wasn't any ircing to be done. I went for a walk, but had to cut it short since a thunderstorm began moving our direction. I asked Chuck [my department chair at the time, receiver of my coming out letter--ed] who was going to be covering my classes, figuring I could write up sets of directions for the weeks of class I will be missing, but he tells me he hasn't worked everything out, other than changing most of my schedule (which sort of pisses me off, since he promised he wouldn't do that...it was set up so that I would have time to go home to dilate between classes. It also is rather unfair to the students who have signed up for my classes specifically to get me as an instructor).
At any rate, I didn't accomplish much today, other than setting a new personal record of 177 seconds on expert Minesweeper. I had been stuck with a best time of 200 seconds for weeks. Not only did I beat my previous record, I even broke the 3 minute barrier. :-) [See how I wasted my time before blogging?-ed]
Last night Michael called me...as usual, just as I was falling asleep. Michael is an FtM who lives in Hot Springs. Ostensibly Michael was calling to see how I was doing, but since he spent the entire 90 minutes talking about his problems with his new girlfriend, I'm not sure if I ever got to say how I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I like Michael, but I don't think I have ever met anyone who has so many problems with relationships. This time his main problem seemed to be that he had convinced himself that he would be going through the transition and surgery alone, but his new girlfriend says she will be by his side the whole way. I had difficulty seeing exactly where the problem was.
Michael also informed me there is a new MtF at group. I guess I need to make a special effort to be there next week. I'd like to anyway, just to be able to see everyone before I leave. Less than 17 days before that happens.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Thursday, 21 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I think I have learned something, though it is really too late to do anything about it. In my haste to get everything ready before the surgery, I got everything done with 17 days to spare before I leave here for Wisconsin. That was perhaps a mistake, since I now find myself with not much to do. I have to wait on the snail for something from April, go pick up my plane tickets before the 28th, and catch my plane on the 7th. I think spreading out those things that could have been delayed would have been a good idea...leaving things to look forward to as the time approaches. Of course, being nominally on vacation doesn't help. I suppose if one works just about up to the time they leave, it serves the same purpose.
Right now, I am very worried about Typhoon Walt, hanging around off the coast of Japan, gathering strength. I worry about April's safety. Of course, hearing about the earthquake there a few hours ago did not help. I truly hope she gets out of there before some sort of disaster befalls her.
I started worrying about why I wasn't worried about the surgery. I guess that shows how easily it is for us to start playing some serious mind games with ourselves. When I realized what I was doing, I had a good laugh at myself and calmed down a lot.
Love, Peace, and Boredom,
Robyn