I'm sorry, but I'd have to say that I am the best candidate for whatever position it is that we're talking about.
I am totally down for progressive values, including stem cell research, global warming combat, Anti-George Bush related silliness and various other things.
THINGS, people.
I know everyone has a hard-on for Al Gore, but come on, people. He gained so much weight.
Jesus, the weight!
And he grew a beard.
A beard people.
I don't know about you, but I don't want to vote for someone who can't even work a razor, fossil fuels or no.
YES, I have a beard, but God damn it, I know how to turn on my razor.
But the worst part about today's presidential candidates is that they seem to need to prove themselves as tough guys, as hard asses, as people with massive testicles (or ovaries; show Hillary some love!).
Testicles (or ovaries!) aside, my candidates have yet to show any sort of leadership. Especially as it pertains to the FISA nonsense that happened recently.
So I'm left with no alternative but to vote for myself. And I encourage all of you to vote for me, too.
I'm really progressive. I support a woman's choice to choose me as president, I'm completely against Guantanamo detainees having no right to vote for me, and I can't be more supportive of impeaching anyone who stands in my way.
Plus I hate George Bush.
My foreign policy ("Stop making me look bad!") is as completely faultless as my domestic policy ("Oh, COME ON! Stop making me look bad!") I will never capitulate, cede, cave in, submit, relent, succumb, yield, or give up unless my opponents threaten to make nasty comments about me.
Because that's just mean. I might not be able to handle mean comments about me being "soft on terror.
Come on! The only thing I'm "soft" on is butter-laden croissants.\
Damn, those things are tasty. Not that I like French people.
Yes, perhaps my Democratic opponents want to "win" the war in Iraq. But unlike them, only I realize that victory is impossible without the many, many dollars required to gain the votes necessary to get re-elected. So fuck them.
They totally suck.
So in summation, a vote for TheBlaz is a vote against capitulating, whiny-bastard Democrats who couldn't find their ass with both hands and a map.
That is why, if my state's primaries were today, I'd vote for myself and have no regrets.
Vote for TheBlaz. He's wicked awesome.
UPDATE: I added a poll because I'm REALLY bored. Let's make this thing funny.