The State of New Hampshire announced today that its 2012 Presidential Primary Election will be held on Tuesday, February 9, 2009.
Recent changes to the 2008 Presidential primary calendar have made it particularly difficult for New Hampshire to abide by its own law mandating it hold the first contest. "What with Nevada jumping ahead, and it becoming increasingly likely that Iowa will be holding its caucus in 2007, we realized that the rush to be first will probably not stop anytime soon," said Ebenezer Bogslogger, the State Commissioner of Elections, "We may have to move our 2008 primary up, and if other states react as they have so far, we will have to do it more than once. We decided that we might as well be ready for the 2012 election once and for all."
By choosing February 9, New Hampshire believes it has effectively established the earliest possible primary date. "While it is true there are still three weeks between the swearing in and our primary, we don’t think that South Carolina, Nevada, or anyone else will have the audacity to act any sooner. The candidates would really have to scramble."
When asked whether it made any sense to begin looking for the replacement for a President who will probably not even have fully installed a cabinet, Bogslogger seemed unfazed. "We figure that if Hillary Clinton is elected, Fox News will have already declared her administration a failure, and Minority Leader Patrick McHenry will have long since submitted an impeachment resolution. There would be no reason to wait any longer to begin to choose her replacement."
Reaction to the announcement was swift. Cletis Crackerman, spokesperson for the South Carolina Secretary of State’s office vowed that his state will not be left out of the early selection process. "We will hold our primary in June of 2007 if we have to," he asserted. Skeptical reporters asked how the state could hold a primary on a date that has already passed, but Crackerman was quick to dismiss such concerns as unnecessary. "We have faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that we will prevail in this endeavor," he said.
Other states’ election officials have so far declined to comment.