Hey, Senator Craig:
Gotta hand it to ya, big guy. When the chips were down, you didn't cab it to the nearest rehab -- you stood your ground and denied being gay. A surprise move, given your guilty plea and all evidence to the contrary.
Denial. A move so complex Foley and Vitter were afraid to even attempt it. Bold, mi amigo. 2.6 degree of difficulty. The East German judge gives you an 8.
Hey, I'm not knocking it. I'm with you! I'm not gay, either! In fact, there's a long, long list of things I'm not -- and I'm gonna throw a couple of 'em out on the table now to give you a sense of where I'm coming from.
There's more, below, if you can spare some time from the down-low:
I'm not, for example, a hypocrite, Senator Craig. Unlike you, I don't pretend to embrace "family values" or that whole nuclear-family, Cosby Show thang you've worked so hard at over the years.
But, hell, as far as I'm concerned, it's every man and his conscience to themselves. What's a little public-restroom footsie with a plainclothes cop if your loving wife of two-plus decades is down with it?
I mean, hey, who among us hasn't had a foot stray under the stall and rub repeatedly against a defecating neighbor's size 10s? Let he who is without sin cast the first sneaker, I always say.
But not everybody is as laissez faire as I am, sweetie. There's a big, ole unforgiving world out there, Mr. Craig -- and no matter what Fox or Tucker Carlson might tell you, your biggest problem isn't going to come from my side of the political fence.
Democrats? They'll waste a day or two of outrage and a few jokes on your homophobic ass. Republicans? As the last year of Congressional sex scandals will show you, the family values pack you run with are a repressed bunch of booty-call-loving freaks -- freaks who won't think twice about planting a boot in the middle of your skull if it keeps them from being caught with a body part in the cookie jar.
The pressure has only begun, buddy -- and, if today is any example, you're gonna fold like a house of cards. "I'm not gay" is as good a place as any to start, I guess -- but, as the media and your party turn the screws on that vice they've placed around your head, though, you're gonna need more.
If you haven't lined up a rehab facility yet, you're definitely going to need more things to deny soon -- and you're probably gonna have to get creative. In that bipartisan spirit of reaching across the aisle that your crowd purports to hold so dear, then, here is a list of other things you can run from in the coming days and weeks:
You've never snorted crystal meth off a gay hooker's ass.
You're not fat-free. Or sugar-free, for that matter.
You're not on a one-man mission to "bring sexy back."
You aren't wanted in the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
You've never asked to swap socks with a congressional intern.
You've never lied about your shoe size.
You never -- not once -- hogged the Senate bathroom pass during critical floor votes.
That's seven suggestions -- a whole week of fodder for public denials.
Your friends here on Kos will have more suggestions because, no matter what Bill O'Reilly says, we're just big, warm-hearted lumps of love here on the Interwebs.
A bit like you at an airport urinal, I guess you could say.