As we Jews in Texas like to say, Chhhhhhhowdy! And a Happy New Year (Yontif Bueno) from high atop Brad Garrett (Gerstenfeld) - arguably the world's tallest individual of the Hebraic persuasion. Here we are overlooking Chaim Square where a ball is slowly starting to descend. Either signaling the beginning of another year...or I'm just more relaxed.
Lawyer, actor, Nixon quasi-apologist Ben Stein (e.g. the Jewish Fred Thompson), will likely be preoccupied for the next several weeks arguing that Larry Craig merely suffers from RLS (Republican Leg Syndrome). Also that the Senator couldn’t possibly be interested in airport restroom-stall sex, because every time you move, the toilet flushes. So he’s apparently opted to channel his latest administration apologia through me, and I can’t think of anything else to do with it. Yeh that’s it; that’s what happened!
As has been widely snickered, Wednesday, Sept. 5, on behalf of his wife Laura and the entire Van Patten family, President Bush issued formal greetings to Jews around the world celebrating Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Unfortunately the message was issued exactly a week early, because the actual Jewish New Year doesn’t commence until the evening of next Wednesday, September 12.
So as we ask the musical question, "Wasn't Ester C. Larry King's third wife?" let’s attempt to clear up the source of the White House confusion about when we Jews actually celebrate Rosh Hashanah. The circumstances that led to the President’s premature ejaculation of holiday wishes.
The short explanation is simple. In a rare slip-up, when releasing the greeting, the White House press office inadvertently omitted the traditional two-word complimentary close that would have clearly shown, by precedent, that the President may have known his message was premature, but decided to deliver it anyway. The slightly redacted text:
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THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESIDENTIAL MESSAGE: Rosh Hashanah, 5,768
I send greetings to those around the world celebrating Rosh Hashanah. The sound of the Shofar heralds the beginning of a new year and a time of remembrance and renewal for the Jewish people.... The enduring traditions of Rosh Hashanah remind us of the deep values of faith and family that strengthen our nation and help guide us each day....Laura and I send our best wishes for a blessed Rosh Hashanah and shanah tovah.
Oh yeh -- Mission accomplished,
GEORGE W. BUSH
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Another plausible explanation offered by an administration insider is that the president is in Australia, on the other side of the International Dateline. The source indicated that the President believed the International Dateline was unspecific as to how many days Australia is ahead of us, so he rounded off to a week.
“If it’s only one day, why don’t they call it the International Dayline?” he asked, according to the source, who requested anonymity and would only allow us to use her first name, Condoleezza. Oops, I guess that’s nonymity, sorry.
However, the longer explanation is somewhat more complex – as is the nature of longer explanations. “Basically, it could happen to just about anybody. Confusion is built into the system,” says political commentator, acknowledged smart guy, and aptly initialed, Ben Stein.
According to Stein, you first have to notice that we Jews use the word "celebrate" rather loosely - especially when commemorating the many occasions on which we were massacred. Hence the traditional Passover prayer familiar to most of my people: "They tried to kill us. We lived. Thank God. Let's eat."
But more to the (six) points, The White House confusion is understandable, because the date for Rosh Hashanah is determined each year by the JEWISH calendar, not by our regular January-through-December GREGORIAN calendar. That puts Rosh Hashanah on a different day of our calendar every year.
Let's explain. According to Stein, our Gregorian calendar is loosely based on Earth's revolution around the sun. Until volleyball, this used to be called "rotation.” Each of BUSH'S years have twelve months - four of which are always spent "clearing brush" in Crawford. In contrast, we Jews use a LUNAR calendar. Our lunar calendar is based on Moon Cycles - named after one of Frank Zappa's grandchildren. Sometimes a Jewish year is twelve months and at other times it's thirteen. I am not making this up. When the year is thirteen months, it's catered and we give it a fountain pen. OK, we are making that part up, but who’s to say it couldn’t happen, and, of course, it’s Stein saying this, not me.
The YEAR itself is also way different for us Jews. This year, we will start celebrating Rosh Hashanah or Jewish New Year - I forget which – next Wednesday evening Sept. 12. On the Jewish calendar it will be 5,768 -- the year of the kvetch. Rosh Hashanah is the day when Jews go to the synagogue and tell the joke about still writing 5,767 on all their checks. This is no longer considered amusing.
Arguing against Stein’s hypothesis is the fact that this particular Jew Years Day should be easily remembered, because it’s exactly 941 years from the Battle of Hastings - or in Hebrew - Chhhhhhhhastings. And has anybody got a napkin?
In the early years, before Gregory, some wanted to stick with the Julian Calendar, which went into effect on January first, 4,713BC. That was about the time Julian's mother Marie Calendar invented the mathematical concept of Pi. Only they didn't even know it was 4,713, because it was BC for Heaven’s sake! It's so much easier to know what year it is when you get into the ADs. So for awhile, western civilization pretty much abandoned the Jewlian Calendar and adopted the Julian Calendar, because, after all, who doesn't like pie?
The AZTEC Calendar also achieved some popularity in Mexico about that time, but never got very far out of the country, because the damned things were carved out of 2,000 lb. stones, and too expensive to be mailed out every year by insurance salesmen. Just in case you're interested, the Aztec calendar had a 13-day week, which the current administration is recommending again to increase national productivity.
If you are one of the few who bought a cheap replica of these Aztec calendars while on a bender in Juarez, you can circle today's date. It's the year of the reed, the week of the flower, and the day of the rabbit. Again, this has been extensively researched. Among the astrological qualities the Aztecs associated with this week are: service, transcendence, and self-sacrifice (which they may not have taken as figuratively as we do). And, of course as always, fertility. Oddly, despite the Mexican location, there has never been an actual Night of the Iguana.
Although this is probably not the time to digress (that was approximately five paragraphs ago), if we had stuck with the Julian Calendar, it would (as we say with the Yiddish sentence structure) be already 2,454,363.[point]5. "Why," you ask? Because that be'atch Marie Calendar never got around to inventing years! Look it up. As this explanation is being written, it is a little after 10 p.m. in Texas -or about 3 hours into Sept. 8 GMT (Goy Mean Time). But, with Julian, we'd still be just counting the number of days (and fractions thereof) that have passed since January 1, 4,713 BC. (It's 2,454,363.5. Do you know where your chosen people are?)
The good news -- or as we of the Hebraic persuasion like to say, Gospel --is that, with a research grant, Marie Calendar screwed around with that first year 1.[point] 4713 (see immediately preceding paragraph), allowed for the usual -.0001 digital wholesale discount, and got 3.1416. Which is why pies are round. It is also a very, very, very, long
way to go for a joke without PowerPoint. Math isn't pretty -- as we know from watching Judd Hirsch in that TV series.
Unlike December 31, on Jewish New Years, you don't have to wait until midnight to have sex. Sundown is close enough, because, in a Jewish household, sex is like the Labor Day Sale at Macy's. Only once a year and all transactions are final. But you can only choose from two sets of dishes.
For those unfamiliar with the holiday, Rosh Hashanah is when the guy gets up and blows a shofar - which isn't what it sounds like - unless you want to walk home. To the average gentile, this just sounds like some guy tooting on a ram's horn. But to a woman of a certain age and religious persuasion (and I think she knows who she is), it's Kenny G. Although he uses his Hebrew name, which is Barry G. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but remember we are a race of people that, at another time of year, considers spinning a top to be a rollicking good time.
You should live and be well.
A.Buck Short, Last of the Jewish Cowboy Poets (aka Roger Burke)