Own a 161 foot long ship that charters for $210,000 per week?
No? How 'bout some other fine products of Yachting magazine's (since 1907) advertisers.
Got the Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona? (that's a watch, plebians.) Or did you donate the $23,950 to the Ken Lay defense fund?
Hanker for the military life, but don't want any legs blown off? For $795 you can teeter militarily along the dock on the Hummer Tactical Mountain Bike with military-proven strength.
Is your stern getting a little, er, wide in the beam? Yachting recommends (starting at $5,090) STIDD's handy Wide Marine Seat" perfect for boat owner’s who need some extra room . . . 36" wide."
Got none of these? Well, matey, climb aboard to the Yachting life.
Let's check out Yachting's August 2006 issue. The cover features the Marlow 72. She's 77 feet long, weighs 92,000 pounds, and, to push her along at top speed of 22 knots (that's 24 miles per hour to you swabs), burns 98 gallons of diesel fuel per hour. Got $2.6 million to blow? She's yours. But not the 29 year-old come hither reclining on the stairway, as Yachting warns on page 48:
No, she's not standard equipment, but the lovely arch of the railing is.
Well, maybe your investment will give you a chance to acquire, Fred Thompson-style, your trophy wife 24 years younger than you. But, let's say you can't hoist the jib up to the masthead 'cuz your halyard has jumped its chocks. Yachting has not one but three helpful advertisers with a solution, on page 277 of the September 2006 issue:
GET THE SERVICE YOU DESERVE! ORDER NOW! SAVE TIME! SAVE MONEY! Fioricet®, Tramadol®, Ultram®, Soma®, Cialis®, Viagra®, Flexeril®, Xenical®, Ortho Evera®, Propecia® & more!
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Oh dear. As a Yachtsman®, am I going to need all that stuff?
Soma?
. . . can have the full spectrum of sedative-hypnotic side effects . . . can dangerously impair the patient's ability to operate an automobile, motorcycle, and other machinery of various types.
Flexeril?
. . . often referred to as "cyclone" with recreational doses . . . users report mild to moderate drowsiness and relaxation as the primary effects.
Ultram and tramadol. Hmmm.
. . . can produce effects similar to those of other opiods (e.g., morphine or hydrocodone)
Yeah, baby! All that and Viagra® too? Launch torpedoes! But, what's this?
The brand name SOMA is shared with the fictional drug featured in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.
Rapper Russell Jones (a.k.a. ) Ol' Dirty Bastard died from an overdose of a combination of cocaine and tramadol on November 13, 2004.
Oh, dear.
Mr. Bastard, however, was not known to be a Yachtsman®, and who cares what some French guy named "Aldous" thinks, so full steam ahead!
First stop, the Monaco Boat Show, featured on page 94 of Yachting's September 2006 issue. Who ya gonna meet?
The show attracts international clients with high spending power. In their quest for outstanding products, they are drawn by the quality of the exhibitors and the yachts in the water, as well as by the attractions of the Principality of Monaco.
What ya gonna wear? Yachting is there to help.
Recommended dress: Yacht-club casual; formal wear often in evidence for evening events.
And, if you're a bit short on cash for that Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona to complete your yacht-club casual ensemble, Yachting again has your answer on page 277:
Specializing in Pre-Owned Rolex
Buy-Sell-Trade
Next stop, "the most expensive charter in the world," on page 135, the 218 foot long, 70 feet high, elevator and helicopter-pad equiped Annaliesse. Yachting rips the cover off this fraud:
Why $5,000 an hour isn't outrageous.
If your team has just made you millions with a hostile takeover, a week on Annaliesse is the perfect "Thank you." A yacht also makes the ideal corporate retreat, allowing executives to make battle plans in luxuriously private surroundings.
Now, these yachts, do they ever, uh . . . sink?
Not at all. Hardly ever. Well, maybe sometimes.
According to several crew and others in the area, the yacht was traveling in heavy seas and may have taken on water from the garage doors on the stern.
Oh, man, leaky garage doors on a boat. Where am I gonna park my Hummer? I need that Tramadol that I deserve! What was it that French Aldous guy said?
And it seems to me perfectly in the cards that there will be within the next generation or so a pharmacological method of making people love their servitude, and producing ... a kind of painless concentration camp for entire societies, so that people will in fact have their liberties taken away from them but will rather enjoy it, because they will be distracted from any desire to rebel by propaganda, brainwashing, or brainwashing enhanced by pharmacological methods."