I wrote this in response to a rightwing blog that spun its own version of a mythical Democratic Convention, complete with a rundown of events. I thought the humor was trite and unfunny, reinforcing the notion that conservatives don’t know a joke unless it came in the form of an RNC solicitation for 2008 donations.
A plausible scenario for the 2008 Republican National Convention?
7:00 pm Evangelical cleansing by James Dobson’s Focus On the Family: baptismal papers required for
all delegates, guests and media
7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance by David Duke and associates
7:20 pm Karl Rove announces the elimination of the First Amendment
7:25 pm Redemption Prayer by Reverend Ted Haggard
7:45 pm Ceremonial opening utilizing the official bell of Wall Street
8:00 pm How To Pretend Global Warming Does Not Exist – Exxon Corporation
8:15 pm Gay Log Cabin Republicans speech about party unity
8:16 pm Log Cabin Republicans escorted off stage by RNC security
8:35 pm Karl Rove announces the elimination of the Second Amendment
8:40 pm Is Iraq Bankrupting Our Country? Maybe, But Go Surge Go - John McCain
9.00 pm How To Make Civil Liberties Disappear: Alberto Gonzales
9:30 pm Condi Rice symposium: Drinking The Bush Kool-Aid And Enjoying It
10:00 pm How Tom DeLay And I Made Millions—You Can Too! - Jack Abramoff via teleconference link
from his prison cell in Cumberland, Md.
10:30 pm Karl Rove announces the elimination of Third Amendment Rights
10:45 am Former Rep. Mark Foley’s book signing: Turning A Page In Your Career
11:05 pm Pentagon PowerPoint presentation on location of Osama Bin Laden
11:15 pm Why Shoddy War Planning Wasn’t My Fault – Donald Rumsfeld
11:30 pm Rush Limbaugh steps on stage; it collapses under his extreme fatness. Halliburton given
no-bid contract to build new stage for $68 million.
11:40 pm Truth In Broadcasting gag award to Fox News
11:50 pm Why I Selected The World Trade Center As NY Command Center Even though WTC Was A
1993 Terrorist Target – Rudy Guilliani
12:15 am No Matter What The Bible Says: Greed Is Good – Rupert Murdoch
12:25 am Karl Rove announces the elimination of Fourth Amendment Rights
12:30 am Séance conjuring the spirit of Ronald Reagan (with laser show)
12:43 am Ex-Senator Larry Craig announces for the 100th time: “I am not gay”.
12:44 am Craig is tarred and feathered by Log Cabin Republicans
12:55 am Nomination of Fred Thompson for President on first ballot
12:58 am RNC security “accidentally” discharges service revolver into Fred Thompson’s temple
1:10 am Fred Thompson pronounced brain dead by former Senator Dr. Bill Frist, but continues with
acceptance speech via ventilator breathing machine
1:13 am Sean Hannity “accidentally” trips over ventilator extension cord, unplugging it
1:20 am Voting commences for second ballot nominee
1:37 am Mitt Romney waits in wings, knowing he has enough delegates to win
1:42 am Karl Rove announces the ballot winner as George W. Bush
1:44 am Romney’s five sons converge on the dais to fight Rove, but because they never served in the
Armed Forces, none can handily defend themselves. Secret Service takes them out.
1:57 am Bush announces, via satellite from Crawford, that he cannot accept the nomination because
the 22nd Amendment allows for only two terms
2:06 am Karl Rove announces the elimination of the 22nd Amendment
2:10 am George W. Bush is nominated for a third term
2:20 am Dick Cheney accepts vp nomination from a undisclosed location and declares martial law; all
Democrats, Independents, Atheists, Gays, union activists and trial lawyers to be rounded up
and put on boats to Gitmo
Knowing the GOP political profile, this might not be too far from the truth.