My Life Without Sleep

I think I have insomnia. Not a political issue, I know. I think there are some intersections between the nation as it is and my inability to sleep. I didn't sleep last night because of the government. I probably won't get to sleep tonight, either, because of the loud people down the hall.

(This is my first diary!)

So, see you after the fold.

At first, I went to sleep at a normal time. Ten o clock at the latest, and my mom and dad made sure of that. I had trouble sleeping then, too, but I'd always be asleep by 1030. All that changed once I hit the fifth grade. I don't know why, but that was the year, from age 11 to 12, where I first had trouble getting to sleep, and staying asleep.

I was in fifth grade during the 2000 election. Like any other fifth grader, I didn't care for politics. Not much, anyway. Our school had a straw poll, maybe a day before the election, and I chose by einie-meanie-miney-mo. It landed on Bush, so I circled his name.

It's amazing how much regret someone can feel for a fake vote at eleven. So, perhaps the insomnia is phantom limb, sympathy pains from other, older people whose votes weren't counted, and whose election was stolen.

(As an aside, the first reason I ever had for <3ing Al Gore was the fact that he was on Futurama. Twice. And was really pretty funny, and not boring at all.)</p>

Oh, and then 9/11 happened. That didn't help my sleeping habits any, that's for sure. I didn't have CNN on nonstop that month, like almost everyone else I knew, but the images stayed with me. Because the very first thing I said, when I watched it on tv? Was a joke. A terribly unfunny joke that I can't even remember.

I haven't been able to sleep since. I go to bed, sure. Three in the morning seems to be the average. I try to sleep normally. I just can't, not anymore. Through out my teen years, my bedtime kept getting pushed back, further and further. If I was going to stay up til 11, unable to sleep a wink, why the hell should I sit in bed at 11, too?

I was in tenth grade when I first read 1984. This may have been a few weeks before the wiretapping story broke. The two became linked in my mind. I haven't been able to sleep since, and now I have something to blame.

I'm in college now. the people down the hall are playing loud music at night, so now I can't sleep. I blame them, too, but not as much as the bigger them.

So, is anyone else unable to sleep? Maybe we can bitch about that, or the interesting things that happen at three in the morning, when no one else is up.

•  Tip Jar/ Trolls

  Tips will be used to buy more coffee.

  Er, this is my first diary, so please be gentle. >_<</p>

  by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:14:32 PM PDT

  •  Common at that Age?

    Ah, you are young.  All my children had screwed-up sleep patterns at that age.  I did too.

    When I can't sleep I read a book.  It's amazing how many books you can read in a month!

    I hope you find a way to overcome it, I think you will.

    by Bluesee on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:42:28 PM PDT

    •  For the next month?

      I don't see anything getting better. Thank you, Nanowrimo! Bet it was only made up to drive up coffee sales.

      :)

      by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:43:57 PM PDT

      •  Hehe, he Said Nanowrimo

        When I gave up drinking coffee, many ailments also cleared up!

        If I gave up beer I'd be Superman.

        by Bluesee on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:53:18 PM PDT

        •  (p.s.)

          I is a she. ^_^

          by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:57:14 PM PDT

      •  NaNoWriMo

        Also made to guilt trip writing students into doing their projects in the month and a half prior to finals rather than in the week before finals. Definitely feeling that pressure right now.

        by Cassandra Waites on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:56:50 PM PDT

        •  Oh no, not finals :O

          I need to get my assignment before I can start my project, but my Psychology teacher is holding out on me :(

          by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:58:55 PM PDT

          •  Let's see...

            10-20 page paper
            a total of 15 pages fiction
            major project in another course

            And did I mention that the fiction is single-spaced so it's easier on the copier?

            Grad School: NaNoWriMo would have a lower word count...

            by Cassandra Waites on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:45:27 PM PDT

      •  What in the world

        is a nanowino?

        by kyril on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 01:24:04 AM PDT

        •  national novel writers month n/t

          by dc 20005 on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 01:29:03 AM PDT

          •  Ahh :) n/t

            by kyril on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 01:30:03 AM PDT

            •  I had to look it up

              earlier.

              by dc 20005 on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 03:04:13 AM PDT

  •  Have you ever seen the film The Machinist?

    I think you will like it.

    by koNko on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 04:39:49 AM PDT

•  Welcome, TC!

  Your diary reminded me of another diary I once read here, and I was able to find it:

  A Little Bit Special: DSPS, a sleep disorder

  There's plenty in this world to keep us awake at night. But I'm wondering if you've ever been evaluated for a sleep disorder.

  I'm a night owl, but eventually I sleep, and sleep well. I'll probably see you around here in the wee hours of the morning!

  by Ekaterin on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:22:24 PM PDT

  •  diagnosis: No $$

    That, and my college's councelors are notoriously awful, and they're the only free ones. I think so, anyway.

    by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:25:58 PM PDT

    •  Hmm.

      Sleep disorder was the first symptom I had of a mood disorder.  I went undiagnosed for over forty years - mostly survived by smoking a lot of dope.

      Now I take pills.  I liked the dope much better, but that's life.  

      by willb48 on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:50:03 PM PDT

•  Wait until you have a baby

  Then you will know what it's really like.
  In my single sleepless nights, I liked the bakeries at those hours.

  by Dante Zappala on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:23:39 PM PDT

•  I'm a long time insomniac

  and very much older than you. Over the years I have learned to think of myself as a short sleeper, not a non sleeper and don't worry about it too much. I never sleep more than 4 hours at a stretch and do worry at night but usually about paying the electrical bill when I can't sleep, rather than the state of the nation.

  I quit sleeping in my teens too, but I consider it ablessing, in a way, because I have extra time to do stuff I enjoy. Sleeping is over rated. We are conditioned that we need 8 hours, most of us need much less.

  by mariachi mama on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:29:20 PM PDT

  •  I'm with you

    I've never needed much sleep and I agree that it is highly overrated.  3 or so hours a day works for me.

    by BarbinMD on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:35:30 PM PDT

    •  3? Hot damn.

      I thought I was something special living on 5 a night.

      by I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:57:25 PM PDT

•  Insomnia sufferer here, too.

  The only solution is for you to just say fuck it, go down the hall and see what the people playing the loud music are doing.  Participate in it.  At this point, sleep becomes optional.  It will be fun, though you may suffer some physical/mental trauma, but the stories will be worth it.  Believe me.

  by nsaneone on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:33:59 PM PDT

•  You read 1984 in 2003....

  I read 1984 in 1958, and "1984" was the distant unknown future.  That date meant the book, and nothing else.

  When you read it it was the year of the second Reagan election, of the beginning of Glasnot under Gorbechev, of a millions born and dying, and of your being in the tenth grade.

  When Orwell wrote that book in 1948 his fear was Communism, of a single powerful government.  He didn't concieve of the problem of corporations capturing the minds of people with nothing more nefarious than a deluge of ads.

  And his ubiquitous TV that you couldn't turn off only went one way.  He didn't imagine the internet, where we are all interconnected.

  And reading this blog with our doomsday outlook can't help your getting to sleep.  But the world was much closer to destruction during the cold war, especially the Cuban Missile Crisis.

  The world is and always will be a dangerous place.   You should find a way to have some good times in spite of less than ideal conditions.  

  Get drunk, get stoned, get laid, let loose.  None of us can solve anything on our own.  

  I don't want to be glib. I dropped out of college my first year and didn't finish until 14 years later. Thank goodness after all this time David Brooks has legitimized this period, dubbing it the "Odyssey Years" when people find themselves.

  All the best and I wish you well.  

  by arodb on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:47:36 PM PDT

  •  I get morose past midnight. :(

    Honestly. :) Personally, I like being up at 2 am. It's the 8 o clock classes that ruins all the fun.

    by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:50:23 PM PDT

    •  Insufficient sleep can have serious effects...

      and lead to depression and difficulty in concentrating.  Go on the NYTimes and do some searching as they had a whole section on this on Tuesday.

      This is very previlent among students, high school and college, and you should consider changing your living arrangements if you can't get enough sleep.

      by arodb on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:58:05 PM PDT

•  I can't sleep normally either

  right there with you (((hugs)))

  (best thing to do is just to never try to sleep. Also, sex and alcohol seem to help!)

  by kyril on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 09:56:35 PM PDT

  •  There you are :)

    I've been wondering where you were :)

    I hope things are MUCH better since last time we chatted.

        Hugs,
        Heather

    by Chacounne on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:16:01 PM PDT

    •  Somewhat :)

      feels great to be back! I had to cancel my internets, and then moved. But I'm here now, broke but happy, with Mr. kyril sitting next to me *smiles* life is good.

      by kyril on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:22:05 PM PDT

      •  ((((((((((((((((((Kyril and hubby))))))))))))))))

        I'm so sorry you had so many troubles, but glad things are looking up and that you are finally able to live in one place together :)

        Whereabouts have you landed? Which state or province and which side of the border?

          Hugs,
          Heather

        by Chacounne on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:54:34 PM PDT

        •  We're in Vancouver, WA right now

          sadly we have some stuff to deal with down here before we can think about moving north. But Vancouver's nice :)

          by kyril on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 12:07:57 AM PDT

•  Fake votes

  It was 1972 when I was in fifth grade. And I voted for Nixon in our classroom poll. But then McGovern actually won it, which eased the potential regret years later.

  by claw on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:15:50 PM PDT

•  What is this 'sleep'...

  ...which you speak of?

  by rserven on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:21:07 PM PDT

  •  I don't know :O

    I thought it was this time when like...you dreamed and stuff.

    Who needs dreams when you have cola and tv on dvd?
    :)

    by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:30:33 PM PDT

•  First of all, throughout your teens?

  You're still in 'em, aren't you? Heh.

  I've never been good at sleeping. When I was a little kid, my mom would find me rearranging my books and furniture in the middle of the night. I blame it on my sister being a sleepwalker (and nearly walking out a 2nd story window one time) when we were small and sharing a room. But I've never gotten any better at it, sleeping.

  You can't be good at everything.

  by blueteam on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:21:56 PM PDT

  •  I'm almost 19 and a college student

    I have "informed", important opnions which are much, much better than any teenagers'! grr! :)

    by Traveling Companion I on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:37:37 PM PDT

•  Three Days

  I usually can't sleep at nights either. As long as I keep my mind working, thinking about something, I'll stay awake. It's how I've learned a semester's worth of general biology in 14 hours before, and then been able to function enough to take the exam. I usually have to keep the TV on, and sort of let myself relax watching a movie to go to sleep. I just can't turn all the lights off, and go to bed. Three Days is the longest I've gone without sleep before.

  Over at Digg, there was a story a couple a days ago about a 17-year-old who went without sleep for 11 days as part of a science fair experiment. Most everyone in the comments agreed that after 72 hours, you start hallucinating and behavior shifts.

  by Rimjob on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:34:39 PM PDT

  •  Yeah

    After 72 hours, it starts to get really cool.  But you need a really fit, young body to survive it.  

    by willb48 on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:47:52 PM PDT

•  Travelling Companion

  I am right there with you, and I'm 46.
  I don't think I have had a decent nights sleep that I can remember since I got sober in 2001. Before 2001, I didn't go to sleep, I passed out, then crashed deeply for 8-10 hours.
  Now, I can usually go to sleep when I hit the bed if I can somehow turn my brain off. My problem for the last 6 years has been STAYING asleep. I wake up, just about every night, after about four hours.
  When I was younger, if I "woke up too early" and tried to stay in bed and go back to sleep, I would end up with a terrible headache that would be with me all day. The pain was excruciating, and I would be absolutely useless to do anything all day. At some point, I just started getting up as soon as I woke up, no matter WHAT time it was, in order to stave off the dreaded headaches. The only problem was that I would go through the day completely exhausted.
  Now I think that my body is trained to always get up after sleeping only four hours, no matter what. I am in a constant state of exhaustion. It is affecting all aspects of my life, and my health.
  I want to start exercising, but I am always too damn tired to get started. It is a terrible cycle, and I don't know how to get off.
  The only time I seem to be able to get even a modicum of regular sleep, is when I am on tour with a band, and I am going to bed every night on a tour bus. The sound of the wheels and the road puts me out in minutes. When I am home, I use a fan turned on in my room for the noise. It simulates for me the sound of the tour bus, but like I said, my problem is I can't STAY asleep.
  I have been sober for over 6 years, but I am seriously thinking of consulting a M.D. to get som goddamn sleeping pills.

  by irishamerican on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 10:57:00 PM PDT

  •  ask your doc about taking Benadryl

    store brand is the same and less expensive.

    by cosette on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 12:05:22 AM PDT

  •  Start excercising anyway

    I find that I have several different appetites, each of which need to be attended to in order to feel a sense of balance in my life.  My brain center runs pretty much on auto pilot and will almost always take what it needs (or more) without any effort on my part.  I'm not nearly so adept in my emotional life, and am most deficient in my disinclination for physical exercise.  

    Over the years I have learned to make regular physical efforts, in spite of my "natural" preference for inertia.  I have learned that my initial resistance when I swing my leg over my bike and start to pedal is not to be trusted, and that ten minutes down the road it is already becoming clear that my body appreciates the effort and will thank me for the rest of the day.  

    When I exercise I have MORE energy for the rest of the day, not less, and I sleep better.

    by ovals49 on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 03:51:08 AM PDT

•  counselling

  I see up above you have dismissed counselling because either a) it's too expensive or b) that the ones who you can afford are not any good.  At some point if you choose to go into counselling you will recognize the significance of what you are currently doing.

  That being said, don't discount either option.  First of all, there are many therapists who do what is called sliding scale.  Depending on your means they may see you for free, for reduced rate, or try to make other arrangements.  Most of them are not so rigid that they will not try to help.  After all they are people who went into a field specifically to help.  You can call and talk to therapists about whether they do sliding scale before having an initial consultation.  In the consultation you can find out whether you would like to work with the person and talk about what kind arrangement you can make.

  Secondly, you have dismissed the school counsellors as being notoriously bad, however in therapy it is the patient or client who is doing the work.  The therapist is just there to help guide you, you have to be willing to be introspective and truthful in recognizing your actions and motivations.  The best therapist in the world cannot help someone who lacks introspection.  

  I do think counselling is something you should seriously consider as it helps us identify any unconcious thinking that might be contributing to your lack of sleep.  I know as I have gone through this many times before.  I did not sleep well as a kid, nor in college.  For a long period I was dealing with accepting that I was gay, and I couldn't sleep because i worried about that.  I lose sleep because of anxiety that is rooted in my upbringing, of not being good enough and that I will fail at anything I try.  I still to this day, at age 33, have nightmares where I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.  There has been some significant reductions though through counselling.  I used to have dreams where I would be surrounded by snakes and couldn't move for fear of being bitten.  Once I identified what the dream was about, I stopped having them.

  by dc 20005 on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:12:43 PM PDT

•  Don't have much to say about the mental side,

  but about the physical side, please poke around at Dr. Dement's (yes, that's his real name) SleepQuest site.  He founded the field of sleep research.  His books are quite good, very readable.  (No, I have no financial interest!)

  Daily Kos could be having a negative impact on your ability to sleep!  Light shining into your eyes in the evening makes your body think that it's still daylight out, so it doesn't produce enough melatonin early enough.  So, I'd recommend turning off that "light box" in front of you now as early as practical.  (I know, let he who is without sin cast the first stone...)

  In fact, light therapy is one method to treat insomnia:  wake up at the same time every day and get out in the sunlight (or put a bright white light in front of you), and your body will set its clock to better match that waking hour.

  Late dinner, liquids late, dessert, and caffeine can impact getting to sleep and staying asleep.  Personally I can't have coffee or soda after lunch, and it's hard for me to fall asleep within four hours of dinner.

  If you are able to proactively rearrange your life some and maybe get to a place where you get consistently good sleep, you could feel smarter and happier.  One study Dr. Dement cited involved Air Force underground missile silo crews.  Over the course of a few weeks, they overslept by as much as 30 hours total beyond the average 8 hours a night (naturally, not drug-induced), and at the end of the study they said they felt like new men.  They actually couldn't nap or fall asleep during the "daytime," no matter how boring it was, since they were so well-rested.

  by Simplify on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:18:45 PM PDT

  •  absolutely

    I got into a very bad habit of taking my laptop to bed.  I figured what's the difference between reading a novel in bed and reading stuff from the internet?
    Then I started having problems getting to sleep.  I think there's several reasons - one is the light issue which you brought up, which has been proven to be an issue.  Secondly, reading stuff on the internet is a very quick and erratic way to read (at least for me).  I find myself flipping back and forth between things, plus checking to see if different websites have new stories on them or whatever.  It's definitely not a pleasant and calming mood for your brain to be in as you try to go to sleep.  I have had to take sleeping medication for a while, but am off it and now just put my ipod on and fall asleep to the music.  I have to have the ipod to help me not concentrate on miscellaneous noises, plus to block out the noise of my snoring partner.

    by dc 20005 on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:30:04 PM PDT

    •  Heh, don't get an iPhone then

      I'm addicted to blogs & news enough that I'm oftening lighting up the Treo in bed to check in, which doesn't help.  It is mentally stimulating like you say, and the direct light is worse than light on a printed page.  Also, for me the important thing is to get past the moment of falling asleep.  Sticking in a bookmark and switching off a lamp or flashlight beats powering down a computer.

      Having nothing to hold my attention at all is bad too, since my mind starts to race all over the place.  The optimum is a book that is interesting enough to hold my focus but not thrilling enough to wake me up.  Ha, right now I'm on the Federalist Papers.  Haven't made it past the introduction in a week...  Of course, sex is the best of all.

      by Simplify on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 11:38:46 PM PDT

•  Look at the night.

  Get a blanket, sit outside for 30 minutes or two hours.  Listen to the (relative) silence.  It'll either put you to sleep or make you really happy.  Or both.

  If you stay awake long enough to see the sun, you may find that you're both angry at having stayed awake so long and gently pleased at having seen the sun rise.  Hold on to this feeling, as its memory will come in useful throughout the rest of your life.

  by I on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 12:00:34 AM PDT

•  Ah. Insomnia.

  My reasons didn't start with the state of the world.
  But, a lot of nights I end up awake, and just....angry. Or, its one of my kids awake in the night.....For whatever reason, it's dark and cold at 3am.
  Sometimes I do maintenance on my PC, others I just read, or watch the TV with no volume.

  The trick is not to try to sleep.
  If I fall asleep in my chair with a blanket and awake with a sore neck, tis better than laying awake stewing.
  There's a fancy name for what I have. The shrink says so.
  But I think that a lot of us have the same disorder.
  Its a good thing that there are so many to talk to in the dark cold, wee hours of the morning. Its not so lonely.

  by pale cold on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 12:13:13 AM PDT

  •  elegantly said

    by Simplify on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 12:47:22 AM PDT

•  92 hours was the longest I ever went w/o sleep.

  I drank a can of cola somewhere in there and that was because I had to work. By the time I hit like 90 (it was finals week and I had a full time job 3rd shift) I decided to see how long I could stay up. Why not, I came this far, eh? I ended up sitting at home trying my best to stay up and passed right out.

  After all that, whenever I can't sleep I try to see how long I can stay up, and end up falling asleep immediately.

  You're like 19. I think it's genetically ingrained into us to be insomniacs at that age. In the wild (way back times) you'd be the newcomer, trying to pass on your genetics. The older of the clan would wish to retain dominance. What better way than to creep around the shadows when they can no longer stay up. Hence nightclubs.

  Stay up as long as you can. You'll fall asleep eventually.

  If you find yourself in that in between state, exercise. You'll either wakeup or fall asleep.

  Also, 4 hours completes a REM cycle however, the longer you stay up the less time it takes to complete one. That's why if you stay up for 24 hours and fall asleep you'll wake up 2 hours later and think it had been at least 6.

  Don't underestimate the human body. You'll be fine.

  Besides, you should be at the party down the hall:)

  by jammin90mph on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 03:46:34 AM PDT

  •  At least let him/her find out

    who they are and what they are DOING in the party down the hall before you send him/her down there.  He/she may want to keep some reputation at the end of the term!  Better she/he creates the party and invites the people that seem interesting.  Might as well do some serious networking while staying awake.

    by glitterscale on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 07:05:56 AM PDT

•  After dark...

  I typically stay up to around 5:00am. Sleep till about 10:00am.

  But I LOVE being a vampire.

  Of course it helps that I am a recording artist that does most of my work at night.

  Nighttime is the best time. All the sheeple are asleep. It's a magical time.

  I reject "normal" waking hours. Nothing interesting happens (except the sunrise) between 5:00am and noon anywhoo.

  Perhaps if I had to milk a cow I would think differently but I live like an aristocratic hedonist so...

  Try meditation. Or Melatonin (not too much) or physical workouts.

  Smoke some doobage. Read a book.

  Embrace your insomnia!!!

  These are fucked up times my friend, so if you can sleep soundly, you are obviously not paying attention.

  Stay wired and weird. It's the only way to survive these days.

  by zorp on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 03:52:02 AM PDT

•  Its eight o' clock in the morning and I'm still

  up. Its like this for me every night...there are others out there, believe me I know.

  by redhaze on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 05:14:02 AM PDT

•  I had truly dreadful insomnia for over a decade

  (and bad sleep for much more). The tool that helped me lick the problem and sleep when and as much as I wanted was the book, Say Good Night to Insomnia. No drugs needed and I learned a lot about my body.

  by Wee Mama on Sat Oct 27, 2007 at 08:23:21 AM PDT