This is you showing Bill and Jonah (and Ahmadinejad!) how it's done!
Dear Norm,
It's me, Damon.
Congrats on all the press you've been getting lately. It seems the world is listening to your ideas.
Now, since this is just the two of us talking (more or less---hardly anyone reads this), I want to level with you: I've read what you have to say, and I think you're fucking nuts. Now I'm not talking about your insecurities from back in the day; I know it was tough for you losing fights on the playground and that you found those black kids scary, yet strangely alluring. I'll be generous and take you at face value and respect your professed desire to keep your playground scars and racist instincts out of your policies.
But now I see that you "hope and pray" that we bomb Iran? You want to do it "as soon as it is logistically possible"?
It seems you still haven't put those playground defeats behind you. There's a lot of rage in you, Norm. And now you're directing it at Iran, and a dubious collection of unallied groups you call "Islamofascists."
So I thought to myself, Norm needs a productive---or at least harmless---way to get his aggressions out. I thought about buying you karate lessons, but I worry that in your advanced age, you'd risk injury. And I don't think a real gun would be a good idea. It almost never is. But a virtual one? Pretty harmless.
So my offer is this, Norm: I will buy you a copy of Halo 3 if you promise to take your aggressions out through that, rather than through advocating the bombing of Iran. If you don't already have an Xbox 360, this won't do much for you. But if that's the case, I imagine we could get some people to chip in. I know I said I don't have a lot of readers, but I believe the ones I have are generous.
Readers, if you'd be willing to chip in for an Xbox for Norm so he can play Halo 3 instead of advocating bombing Iran, just say so in the comments below. You know, I bet we'd even be able to raise enough for extra controllers so Bill Kristol, Jonah Goldberg, and others can play.
This is a standing offer, Norm. At least until the first bomb drops. Btw (that means "by the way")---and I know this may not be a concern, as you and your cronies aren't given to actual combat---I don't recommend riding it down. It may look fun in the movies, but you won't live.
Damon
PS---Don't worry: we can keep this real quiet. My readers know how to be discreet.
PPS---I see you've taken to referring to the "War on Terror" as "World War IV" (with the Cold War being WWIII). Now, if the Cold War, with its multi-decade span and relative lack of actual combat, can be elevated to the status of a World War, do you think we can get Wrestlemania---and its twenty-three years of edge-of-your seat battles---in the history books? Maybe as, say, a "major regional conflict"?