Or, what I do when I get up at 5 am and can't get back to sleep-
I probably shouldn't be writing this. I wish I could just keep this all a secret. But I can't. I have to tell this story. Not because I am concerned about the public discourse, and the integrity of political process, but because it's just so god damned funny.
One day last week I woke up at 5am. Don't ask me why. There was no good reason. I don't have to be at work on most days until 9, and its only a 45 min drive when it's not raining, and it wasn't raining that day. Point is, there was no reason to be up at 5am. But I was, and once I was, there was no falling back asleep. So, I put on CNN. I'm a news junkie. I can change, I promise. If I marry someone who isn't , I will probably be sneaking off to watch the news in the basement when no ones looking. Like a porn addict. But instead of Debbie Does Dallas, I'd be watching Countdown with Keith Obermann (Anthony, are you ok down there? Yes, honey). I'd actually prefer to marry someone who knows who Keith Olbermann is and wants to watch him with me, but that's another story... anyway...
So there I was at 5 am, watching CNN. That's when their morning news show starts. When I was little, Good Morning America and the Today Show were the only games in town. And they started at 7am. But then the competition got wicked, and people started pushing the envelope. 6am . 5:30, then 5. It's the same mentality that allows Macy's to put up Christmas trees the week before Halloween. I kid you not, they are up already. Anyway...
So it's 5 am. The CNN morning news show is on. And one of the stories they are covering is about Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and what he said after congress failed to override Pres. Bush's veto of the expansion of the S-Chip program, designed to give medical coverage to uninsured families. Congressman Stark was stark raving mad. He was upset because the proposed $35 billion dollar expansion of the program went down to defeat while hundreds of billions of dollars are being spent on the Iraq war. Here's what he said:
"You're going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president's amusement," Stark told Republicans on the floor of the House. That's what made the Republicans mad. That's what they demanded he apologize for. Because he said that Americans were getting their heads blown off for the Presidents' amusement. Now this blog is NOT about whether the war is right or wrong (it's wrong), or whether he should have apologized for his comments or not (he shouldn't have), but I will say that a year after we invaded Iraq, at the White House Correspondent's dinner, George Bush was cracking jokes about not being able to find weapons of mass destruction and looking under his table for them, saying "nope, they're not under here". Soldiers died in Iraq looking for WMD's that weren't there, it's really nothing to joke about. SO honestly, I do think Stark had a point.
But I digress. So, the CNN reporter was talking about the story. And then they were saying how the Republicans wanted Stark to apologize. Then they asked what WE thought. WE being the audience watching the program at 5:30 in the morning. Becuase all national policy should hinge on what people who are up at 5am and watching CNN think. So they have this internet poll. You go to the CNN page, and you can vote. Should he apologize-YES or should he not apologize- NO. I clicked NO. And then the page automatically refreshed, and I saw the percentage. 52 % no, 48% yes. I was like, well that's close , but at least half the viewers agree that Bush is completely evil and is probably amused by the war. I thought that was cool. I wondered how many people voted. And in the bottom of the voting box, was the tally of people who voted. I wondered if I could vote again, just to see if it would change the percentage at all. It didn't . But it showed that another vote was registered. So I did it again. And another vote was registered.
You can see where this is going.
I started doing it over and over, clicking on YES, clicking refresh, and watching the vote count go up, but the percentage stayed the same. 52 - 48. But then suddenly, after about 40 clicks or so, the percentage went up. 56 - 44. I guess the percentage gets computed every now and then, not constantly. So, I kept clicking. I couldn't stop.
You could say I was a loser and had too much time on my hands, but it was only about 6am. What else should I be doing ? (sleeping, but that wasn't happening at this point). Click, refresh, click refresh... hey look, its 63 - 37 now! I felt almost bad, like I was doing something illegal or REALLY bad . Kind of like how I felt when I first started downloading music for free, back in the days of Napster being free and legal. I was like " It can't be THIS easy to get music!" But I couldn't stop! (I eventually did and now I pay for most of my music, the least I can do for the people who bring me joy by singing songs that I love). Anyway, so I felt KIND OF bad about it... until...
They announced the percentage on TV.
It was now 68-32! Sixty Eight percent saying Stark should NOT apologize. I stared at the TV screen and thought " I did that!"
I cound't stop now. I kept clicking, kept refreshing, and every few minutes, I would watch the percentage change. 74-26! 78 - 22! And then I broke 80. I knew, I knew I couldn't keep going. Because they would figure out that there's no way that the poll would be so lopsided. Anyone could figure that out. 80 % of any group of people can't agree on ANYTHING. But I didn't stop. I kept going. I clicked well over a hundred times. Hundred twenty. Hundred forty... Hundred sixty.....
I had stopped noticing the percentage change. I walked away from the computer to pee, and make myself a cup of something hot to drink. Then I looked on the screen.
89 - 11.
89% saying he did not have to apologize, and 11% saying he should.
Now I've done it. I'd gone too far. Like Icarus flying up toward the sun, my wings were about to melt. They were going to know that this was obviously the doings of some insomniacal person who just wanted to see how far he could go. I'd be busted. If my phone rang right then and there I would have freaked.
But then I noticed the TV. The reporter was back, and he was going to talk about the poll results. He looked really serious. I thought, this is it, I'm in trouble now. I was half waiting for him to say "The results are in and... Anthony, cut it out!" But he didn't . Instead, he said that they had had an UNPRECEDENTED number of people vote for this issue. And the results were astounding. Only 11% said he should apologize, and 89% said he should not. They were astounded. I WAS ASTOUNDED.
OH no! They thought it was real!
Now in my defense, the nubmers were firmly against Stark apologizing before I made even one keystroke. And there were still people voting the whole time I was. It wasn't ALL me. But it was MOSTLY me. No WAY would that have been the percentage without me doing what I did. I went back and counted up the number of votes that I registered and subtracted it from the total to figure out what the prercentage would have been without me. And , well, it was mostly me. Woops.
Another thing in my defense. These polls are NOT meant to be scientific. And they aren't scientific. They're not even a pulse of how America feels on a particular issue. It's just how the majority of idiots (me) up at that hour who are motivated enough to vote for a stupid CNN poll feel at 5:30 in the morning. But it's news for them, so, they report it.
I felt bad. I really did. I like CNN.
But I was also delighted.
I told a few people. It was a funny story to tell. I swore them to secrecy. But then it happened. Something that put this whole thing over the top. Something that changed everything.
I was cooking spaghetti. I had the TV on in the background. For some reason, I had Bill O'Reilly on. I hate him, but I watch him sometimes. I'm a masochist. I was straining the pasta in the pasta strainer when.... BOOM! did he? Yes he did. He just said it. I heard his brazen voice beckoning from across the room "CNN had a poll, asking their viewers whether Stark should apologize for his disgusting comments, and 89% said NO!"
Uh-oh, now I've done it. I've gone and gotten Bill O'Reilly mad. But, he doesn't know it was me.
He was outraged, and vindicated, at the same time. This proved that the CNN viewership were just a bunch of out of touch, overly liberal lefties who Bush Bash any chance they get he said. It was hysterical. Single handedly, or actually finger-ed ly, I have affected the national debate. That was easy.
So, I went to the computer and google searched "CNN poll stark - and 89". I won't say much about it here, but let's just say there were a few hundred pages dedicated to the issue. People were freaking out on BOTH sides of the debate. The conservatives were blaming something called the Democratic Underground for what they call "freeping" the numbers. I am not a computer geek, nor am I member of the "democratic underground". I do not know what "freep" means.
I know that whatever it means, I did it. I freeped. But their idea of an army of democratic insurgents being given the secret order, then typing furiously away at their keyboards, all in unison, with the single minded idea of saving the world by shaping the national debate is not quite accurate. It's more like me sitting in my pj's with a cup of tea at my computer eating oatmeal and watching the news as I alternated clicking YES and refresh for about a half hour, maybe longer, on my computer. That's not the picture either side imagined. It's not a picture I would WANT them to imagine, although, I've been told I do look cute in the morning. But not by Bill O'Reilly. Anyway...
So now you know. Some people are going to get mad at this. I don't care. I can't imagine why anyone would even take it seriously enough to be upset. But by the looks of the results of the google search, some people are just way to serious about A LOT of things.
This is not a mea culpa, just something funny that went a little too far. Please don't let CNN or Rush or Bill O'reilly know. I don't want to be asked to go on the show and explain how this was fun for me. I don't even want to explain to YOU GUYS why this was fun for me. It just was. I was bored. I have a tough job. Sometimes mindless fun at the computer can make a person feel good. Some people are addicted to World of War-Crack, I happen to like subtly shifting national opinion by serreptitiously manipulating viewer polls. Who knows, I might do it again. But not for a while I think, I need my sleep.