Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 30, 2007
Note: Y'know, I was this close to running for President of the United States, but then something really good came on TV...Fry him, Judge Judy, fry him!!...and it slipped my mind. But I've got my slogan for next time: "Bill is SWELLve for '12!"
(Copyright 2007, BiPM for President Committee. We love Labor and always recycle. This message typed in USA.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2008: 32
Days 'til the Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute: 30
Average number of hours of housework a boyfriend in a cohabitating couple does each week: 10
Average number of hours of housework a husband in a marriage does: 9
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of government buildings that U.S. troops were ordered to defend during the invasion of Iraq in 2003: 1 (The Oil Ministry building)
Number of times Congress has increased the sales tax on cigarettes since 2000: 73
(Source: TIME)
Number of Weebles that have actually fallen down: 2,764
The next Weebles AA meeting: 12/4/07
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,089
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Patience, patience...only five more days.
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JEERS to a really bad way to get attention. Unless there's been a breakthrough since we posted this, some guy who claims to have a bomb strapped around his waist is still holding hostages at a Clinton campaign office in Rochester, New Hampshire. Nobody knows anything about the guy, where he's from or what he wants. I'll take a wild stab: he's a loon from Loonville and he wants something looney...probably a prescription for penis-enlargement pills. Next time, pal, just send an email.
Update: Apparently the standoff ended peacefully. Remember, Loon, if your erection lasts more than 72 hours, talk with your doctor.
CHEERS to removing a GOP roadblock. Thanks to some clever verbal jiu jitsu by chairman Patrick Leahy, it looks like Karl Rove, Josh Bolten and other Bush cronies involved in the U.S. attorney scandal can no longer hide behind "executive privilege" as a defense for not testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee. I can't wait to see if Rove can promise to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" without his head exploding.
JEERS to shattered childhood dreams. Remember the good old days, when Mary Alice Williams, Bernard Shaw and Lou Waters anchored the news on CNN and their word was as good as gold? No more: as of Wednesday's televised presidential candidates debate, the network and their wasteland of a companion network, Headline News, have officially jumped the shark. Memo to MSNBC: make Jack Cafferty an offer he can't refuse and get him in prime time.
P.S. A final note from the debate. I wish this question by Howard Dean and a friend had slipped under the wire Wednesday night.
JEERS to Joe Scarborough. I know, I know...why bother? Because, dear Kossack, I insist on sharing with you the pain he causes me---it's a bonding thing. Anyway, this morning, the "Morning Joe" host had a Very Serious Debate about Rudy 911's "shag fund," and concluded that he deserved a free pass. The reason he thinks this will "amount to nothing"? In so many words:
Because we need to look forward, not backward. Because Rudy was Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Because he walked down a street with a mask on 9/11. Because he says there's nothing wrong and we should believe him. Because everybody knows this stuff goes on among the rich and powerful. Because no one outside of New York cares about this stuff. Besides, we're not done talking about those scaaary Osama...oops, hee hee...I mean Obama rumors.
At least it keeps him off the streets.
CHEERS to happy endings. On this date in 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, effectively ending the War of Independence. To this day we are grateful for Article One: a permanent ban on British exports of any foodstuff with the word kidney in it.
JEERS to God's Adopt-A-Highway program. Hey everybody, it's the Grand I-35 Purity Siege! This is real and it's going on right now:
A number of Christians have come to believe, because of recent prophecies, dreams, and visions, that I-35 is the highway spoken in Isaiah 35, verse 8: "And a highway will be there, it will be called the way of holiness."
... [Heartland Ministries’ Hill] believes God has an awesome plan that starts along I-35. "Let’s draw a line in the center of America, set people on fire, get young people saved, get moms and dads saved, get churches on fire, get holy, and watch how it affects the rest of America."
First, I believe setting people on fire is called attempted murder and setting churches on fire is called arson. Second, America is rolling its eyes. Third, go pick up some I-35 trash so your "vision" doesn't turn out to be a total waste.
CHEERS to bulldogs with brains. Happy 133rd birthday to Sir Winston Churchill. He has a from-beyond-the-grave message for a certain former poodle prime minister:
"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Translation: "Heckuva job, Tony." Pay your respects here. And marvel at how some people can smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, eat like a pig...and live to be ninety-something. Lucky duck.
CHEERS to Sunday morning teevee. Senator Jim Webb (D-VA) will be on Meet the Press this weekend, giving his honest assessment of how things are going in Iraq. Even better, he won't be "balanced" by some Republican hack or Joe Lieberman giving their dishonest assessment. I think that's a first.
P.S. A CHEER also to Sunday evening teevee. Here's a preview of the Last Laugh '07 special, which starts at 10 on Comedy Central. Thank god---my Lewis Black tank has been running on fumes for months. Fail me not, Tivo!
CHEERS to making the list. Good news for the almost-wiped-out among us. A bunch of critters have been saved from the bad humans by the good humans:
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on Tuesday reversed seven rulings that denied endangered species increased protection, after an investigation found the actions were tainted by political pressure from a former senior Interior Department official.
In a letter to Rep. Nick Rahall, D-West Virginia., the agency acknowledged that the actions had been "inappropriately influenced" and that "revising the seven identified decisions is supported by scientific evidence and the proper legal standards." The reversal affects the protection for species including the white-tailed prairie dog, the Preble's meadow jumping mouse and the Canada lynx.
Meanwhile the lily-livered knuckledragging Republican remains the only species on the "Endanger...Please!" list.
CHEERS to Evel Knievel. He was skilled, courageous, media-savvy...and batty as hell. The stunt daredevil, who broke every bone in his body and suffered from every health problem you can name, lasted an astounding 69 years. His first feat in the afterlife: jumping the Pearly Gates.
CHEERS to relics from the stone age. On this date in 1983, Radio Shack introduced the Tandy Model 2000 computer. C&J still has its first computer in storage---a Tandy 1000 SL/2, which had no hard drive and could only store a dozen pages of text on a floppy disc. But the games rocked---every time I won tic-tac-toe it went BOOP!! But my point is: I am freakishly old.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 30, 2006...
JEERS to THE REALLY BIG PLAN. Here’s your handy FAQ guide for the Iraq Study group’s recommendations:
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Q: What’s your plan?
A: Get out. Slowly.
Q: When?
A: Dunno.
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For this they gave up an entire shuffleboard season?
JEERS to fristing denied. Senator Bill Frist announced yesterday that he’s not going to run for president. I believe his last conversation with his exploratory committee went like this:
Frist: I think I could win.
Committee (in unison): Schiavo.
Frist: But I...
Committee: Schiavo.
Frist: But if...
Committee: Schiavo.
Frist: Aw, gol durnit.
Memo to cats everywhere: watch your back...Igor is on the loose again.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to my hunka hunka burnin' love. Happy Birthday to my sweetie, who turns [redacted] on Sunday. Wow, [redacted] years. I mean, think about it: when Michael ("Common Sense Mainer" here at the Great Orange Satan) was born, [redacted] was president, gas was [redacted] cents a gallon, [redacted] won the Oscar for Best Picture, and [redacted] won the Kentucky Derby. Happy Birthday, Cutie, and many blessings on all [redacted] of your camels.
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Have a great weekend. Have a fling and expense it to your city manager. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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