Daily Kos

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

by Moody Loner

Mon Dec 10, 2007 at 10:58:29 AM PDT

Anybody see the Shrek Christmas special? Well, Little and I did - and it occurred to her that "The Christmas Story" can be different for different people.

Thus, the Moody Loner Christmas Story, below. Oh, and p00ka says she doesn't know us.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Abject apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our home

Not a creature was stirring, thanks be to this poem.

The stockings were hung by the chimney on hooks,

In hopes they'd be stuffed with candy and books;

The Little was nesled, quiet in her small bed,

While dreams of the Doctor danced in her head;

And p00ka in her jammies, and I in my blue,

Had just settled down for a long winter's... ummm, nap,

When out on the street there arose such a noise,

I sprang from the bed and tripped on Little's toys.

Away to the window I limped , halt and lame,

Tore open the curtains with a harsh cry of pain.

The moon, and the neighbors' overdone yard displays

Lit the front yard and neighborhood bright as mid-day,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

And the pepperpot shape sent chills down my neck,

As I realized the driver was Santa Dalek.

More rapid than eagles its coursers drew near,

And it screamed and ranted as toward us it steered;

"THE HERB-I-VOR-OUS RUM-I-NANTS WILL PRO-DUCE MORE SPEED! THE SCHED-ULE MUST BE KEPT! FAIL-URE WILL RE-SULT IN EX-TER-MIN-A-TION!!"

Then up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and Santa Dalek too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

Then with "EL-E-VATE", and a harsh scraping sound,

and blasting through the roof, Santa Dalek lowered down.

The metal of its shell was painted festive red,

And I wondered why we couldn't get the old guy instead.

A bundle of toys it had dropped on the floor,

And I wasn't sure if it had come here for more.

Its optic - how alien! It's turret - how shiny!

And I hoped that it didn't see someone behind me.

Its droll sucker arm pulled the sack towards the tree,

As the fake beard duct-taped to it flapped in the breeze;

It was squat and lethal - and yet dressed like that elf,

And I laughed when I saw it, in spite of myself;

A blink of an optic, and a turn of the head,

It oriented on me, and here's what it said;

"YOUR CHI-LD HAS BEEN DE-TER-MINED TO BE NICE! NICE CHIL-DREN GET PRES-ENTS FROM SAN-TA! IF YOU IN-TER-FERE, YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!!"

With not a word more, it went straight to its work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And blasting another gap over my head,

And screaming "EL-E-VATE!!" it flew to its sled

It landed in its sleigh, to its team fired a blast,

And away they all flew like something really, really fast.

But I heard it proclaim, ere it drove out of sight,

"YOUR HU-MAN CHRIST-MAS OB-SERV-ANCE RIT-U-ALS WILL BE MERRY!! O-BEY! O-BEY!! O-BEY!!"

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