All right, welcome back to THE SCOTTY SHOW! with Girl Scotty. A couple of things to get out of the way in this little intro box.
First of all, if you're new to THE SCOTTY SHOW!, here's how it works. We take a press briefing. We make fun of it. We say "fuck" a couple of times, and we try to work in a picture of a cat somewhere.
Press Corps statements/questions are italicized for your pleasure.
Dana's bullshit is thick and bold, like in real life.
My comments are in plain ordinary text, which probably signifies something profound.
Okay, now you're up to date.
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Good afternoon. This morning I told you about the federal response in helping deal with the severe winter storms impacting the Midwest, and I wanted to provide you an update on the federal response. First and foremost, our thoughts and prayers are with the families who've lost loved ones because of the storm. This morning, the Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff briefed the President about the storms, and provided him an update on our efforts to assist state and local authorities with the response. The President will continue to receive updates as appropriate.
Late yesterday, the President declared an emergency in the state of Oklahoma, due to the severe winter storms. Support from the federal government is being provided in Oklahoma. Additional supplies have been pre-positioned in Kansas City to help areas expected to be impacted by the storm. Experts in restoring power from the Army Corps of Engineers have also been deployed. And the White House will continue to monitor this.
Good thing those folks don't have electricity, so they won't see this briefing, and therefore will not panic at the knowledge that Bush, Chertoff, and the Army Corps of Engineers are all the fuck over this disaster.
Last announcement is that later today the President will meet with leaders of some of the U.S. broadcasting services, including Voice of America, Radio Free Asia, Radio Free Europe, and the Middle East broadcasting networks. They will discuss the U.S. government's efforts to provide an alternative voice against violent extremism, and for the principles of democracy and liberty. James Glassman, Chairman of the BBG, which is the Broadcasting Board of Governors, will participate in this meeting.
BUSH: So your broadcast is gonna promote the principles of democracy and liberty?
GLASSMAN: Yes, Mister President.
BUSH: I ain't so sure I like the sound of that.
GLASSMAN: We'll only do it in other countries. Not here.
BUSH: Oh, okay then. Carry on.
And today the President will also announce his intention to nominate Mr. Glassman to serve as Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy. In this new role, Mr. Glassman will help effectively explain our policies and America's fundamental values to people around the world.
"And so, in conclusion, our policies and fundamental values can be summarized as follows: Do what we say, or we will fuck you up. In fact, we might fuck you up anyway."
The President looks forward to working with him as we continue to communicate this important message of hope and freedom. This is the position that replaces Karen Hughes.
So James Glassman will be the mom to Dubya that Barbara never was?
Did the questioning of al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah conform with the interrogation program approved by President Bush?
I can't comment on any specifics. So you might want to rephrase your question. It's not -- what you're asking me is not something that I can confirm or respond to in that way.
Please rephrase the question in the following way: "Has President Bush's awesome -- yet limited -- interrogation techniques prevented the bad evil brown men from blowing up your children's day care and killing all of the innocent babies with their evil Muslim terrorism?"
I'm asking if it was within the guidelines -- the interrogation techniques, was that within the guidelines of these programs approved by the President?
I will say that all interrogations -- all interrogations have been done within the legal framework that was set out after September 11th, and they are measures that have been tough and limited. They are safe, and they have been very effective in helping prevent terrorist attacks on this country. All of the -- the entire program has been legal.
We promise.
Are you saying that whatever was done in this case was not torture?
I am saying that the United States does not torture. The President has been --
As long as you don't consider having your head wrapped with cloth, being placed in a backwards reclining position, then having gallons and gallons of cold water dumped over your face, causing your entire body to seize from the drowning sensation and causing you to feel as though you are actually dying to be torture, then we don't torture.
No, I'm asking you if what was done in this case was not torture, in your opinion.
I'm saying the United States does not torture. And the reason I'm answering it that way, Bill, is because I just said to Terry, I cannot comment on any specific case. I don't comment on any specific technique. General Hayden, the Director of the CIA, is in front of -- having briefings today and tomorrow up on Capitol Hill; those are in closed session, and that's the appropriate place for these things to be discussed.
I won't answer the question directly, but I'll answer it indirectly. See if you can follow along. Bill asked:
Are you saying that whatever was done in this case was not torture?
I said:
the United States does not torture
So even though I cannot answer your question directly, I'm sure you can read between the lines.
We only asked the questions. It was the Saudis dumping the water.
But when you have a former CIA officer, John Kiriakou, now saying that waterboarding was used -- since you're saying the interrogations were legal; he's saying on the record now, waterboarding was used in at least one case. You're saying waterboarding is legal?
Ed, I'm saying I'm not commenting on any specific technique. I'm not commenting on that gentleman's characteristics of any possible technique. I've given you a very general statement about interrogations being legal, limited and --
You just said it was legal.
I'm sorry?
You said it was within the legal framework.
Yes.
Everything that was done.
Yes.
So waterboarding is legal.
I'm not commenting on any specific techniques. And you can ask me all sorts of different ways, and we can go back and forth, but I'm not going to do it, Ed.
Ed, you and hekebolos fail to understand Bush administration logic. Allow me to provide my own diagrams for illustration purposes.
There are two ways of looking at this. First of all, we didn't do anything illegal.
Secondly, if we did anything, it was certainly legal.
Okay. The New York Times today also reports that -- and I know you can't comment on specifics of the investigation about the CIA tapes so as not to jeopardize the investigation, but The New York Times quotes one former CIA official, or intelligence official putting out the notion that the White House was almost not pushing hard enough to say to the CIA, don't destroy the tapes. Can you at least on the record push back on that? Is the White House comfortable with that notion out there that you were not really forcefully telling the CIA, don't destroy the tapes?
As I said earlier, and as I said yesterday, I cannot comment on it. We are cooperating with the Justice Department and the CIA in order to help them in their efforts to gather facts on this. We've been asked not to comment on it by our Counsel's Office, and so I'm not going to.
I'm sure that's exactly how it went down. Some poor low-level CIA file clerk came upon a tape marked, "CIA Interrogations - HIGHLY CLASSIFIED" and figured, "Hey, the White House hasn't forcefully told me not to destroy these tapes, so I think I will use this to record the Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends marathon on Cartoon Network."
But just generally speaking, I mean, does the President believe it is good practice for the intelligence agencies to be destroying things like tapes of interrogations?
If I were to answer that question the way that you want me to, it would be extrapolated and applied to the specific case at hand. And so, as reasonable as I understand your question to be, I'm in the position where I cannot answer it.
Yes, the president is highly in favor of destroying any evidence that he has engaged in war crimes, thank you for asking.
What does the President think of the Israelis building 300 new homes on the West Bank in a fait accompli apparently before two states even get started?
Secretary Rice has been in contact with her counterpart in Israel to seek some information about the statements in that regard. Obviously we're just starting the negotiations after the Annapolis conference, and everyone needs to respect that anything that is said or not defined well could jeopardize that process. And so Secretary Rice has been in touch with them, and I would have to refer you over to her for comments. I believe she may have spoken to this yesterday at her event with Andrea Mitchell.
The president is distressed about this and feels that this is not the time for Israel to be building 300 new homes. He strongly feels that they should wait for the housing market to rebound.
Dana, can I come back to the waterboarding question? I understand the rationale for not wanting to discuss specific techniques -- it's to not tip off America's enemies, to help them train as to how to evade what questioning they get. After a retired team member is on nationwide television explaining exactly what was done, is there an al Qaeda operative anywhere who doesn't know that this might be in the arsenal?
Obviously, al Qaeda listens closely to everything that we do and say, and that's something that we should be -- that we should keep in mind. What the President said is that he's going to do what it takes to protect this country in a legal way. The intelligence community has worked very hard in order to do that. Remember that the -- and this is classified for a reason. We don't talk about specific techniques. We don't think it's prudent. We don't think it's a good idea to do so.
SOMEWHERE IN PAKISTAN....
al Qaeda Operative: Praise Allah! The American pig dog reporter is asking the Girl Scotty about waterboarding!
Osama: Yes! I knew that filling the White House Press Corps with anti-American journalists was a winning strategy!
al Qaeda Operative: Soon, we will learn all there is to know about the top-secret, extra-classified, super-duper-mysterious interrogation technique of "waterboarding".
Osama: Yes, I must know more about this "waterboarding". It is lucky that I have access to White House Press Briefings, as a Google search for "waterboarding" only returns 754,000 results!
al Qaeda Operative: And many of those results just link back to our anti-American friends on liberal blogs!
Osama: True that! Quick, turn up the television! Girl Scotty is about to describe the top-secret "waterboarding" technique!
al Qaeda Operative: Fuck! She will not discuss specific techniques!
Osama: Damn that witty Girl Scotty! She has foiled our evil plans once again!
But, in fact, it has been spoken about in public. So what, at this point --
Oftentimes I'm asked about things that are in the newspaper. Just because someone comes out and talks about it doesn't mean that I'm obligated to confirm it or to talk about it. That's not necessarily the way that it works.
Ohhh, tell us more about the way that it works, Girl Scotty!
THE WAY THAT IT WORKS
by Girl Scotty
- You ask the questions.
- If I feel like it, I will answer.
- If I don't feel like it, I will not answer.
- I am not obligated to do so anyway.
- So go fuck yourself with a barbeque fork
The End
It's true that things are classified for a reason, but the reason they are classified is very often to spare the government embarrassment, and it is therefore just as reasonable to ask that that not be the case.
I'm not able to comment on it. I've given you all that I can.
You just have picked a man to sell public diplomacy. All over the world, there is an understanding that we do torture. They've seen the photographs, they've heard everything. You ought to be bound and determined to clear that up.
I actually disagree, Helen. I think that people, what they have seen, is a United States that is helping people develop their democracies. We have spread hope and liberty. We expand trade. We do everything that we can, that we can, to help other people. And I will tell you that it is al Qaeda and violent extremists who actually have delivered a very different message, and people see that. And that is one of the reasons you've seen a turnaround in Iraq.
As the President was speaking about Iran in his remarks with the Italian President today, President Ahmadinejad was having a news conference in which he called the intelligence report, the NIE, a step forward, saying a few more steps and the relationship between the U.S. and Iran will be entirely different. Your comment on that?
I just think that's fanciful thinking on his -- on Ahmadinejad's behalf. I'd refer you to Secretary Gates' comment on Saturday night, in which, if they are now saying that our intelligence report is correct, this might mark the first time in history that Iran has said that's true. And if that is the case, then do they also agree that they are enriching uranium for a possible nuclear weapon in the future? Are they also testing these ballistic missiles, which would be a delivery system for a future nuclear weapon?
Our intelligence agencies are STUPID! They don't know ANYTHING! Just look at Iraq. Those agencies said Iraq had WMD, but they didn't! Now they are saying that Iran DOESN'T have WMD. But that just proves that Iran DOES have WMD!
One more comment from the Iranian President in this news conference. He said, from the very beginning, Iran was continually liked; they have the best of relations with all countries, with the exception of the Zionist regime, Israel, which we think is inhuman.
Again, his remarks are outrageous. If you look -- I think if you look to a country like Lebanon, that they would say that the meddling in Lebanon by Iran is absolutely one that foments instability and chaos. We have a situation in Iraq where weapons from Iran have been found in Iraq, and killing our soldiers.
So not true! There are two other countries besides Israel that don't get along with Iran!
Two bombings today in Algeria. Is the President concerned about the spread of terrorism in North Africa? And what's the United States doing to help Algerians in coping with this?
I'm not positive in terms of all the support we're providing, but I know that -- certainly our State Department is in contact with the U.N. The President did talk about the bombing in Algeria with the President of Italy in his meeting just now, and he's very concerned.
And he reminded the President of Italy, President Napolitano, that it's imperative that we share intelligence, because if these violent extremists can strike in Algeria, they can strike in other places, too. And that's why we have to continue to communicate with one another, share intelligence -- and we have a good relationship with Italy and other states around the world to help prevent such terrible tragedies -- and we are obviously praying for the victims' families of the tragedy today.
See, now if Algeria was fighting in Iraq, they could be fighting the terrorists there instead of having terrorists attack them at home.
Have you had a chance yet to speak with the President about Scooter Libby since he dropped his appeal?
Well, you might have missed the gaggle, but I'll refer you to those comments I made in the gaggle.
For those of you wondering, the common White House line was that they couldn't discuss the whole CIA leak case because Libby was still appealing his conviction. In the gaggle, Girl Scotty says that NOW she can't talk about the case because the Wilsons have a civil suit pending. They really, really, really want to talk about this case, but they just can't right now. Once the Wilson case is over, they will refuse to discuss this because "It's all over now, and time to move on."
Okay. And yesterday you said that you weren't allowed to characterize the President's reaction to the CIA tape destruction story. Who stopped you from characterizing the President's reaction?
As I said before, the Counsel's Office has requested that we not make any further comment beyond what I've already said; so that's where it came from.
For the record, his reaction was, "I don't care what anybody says, I'm watchin' that Imaginary Friends show after the CIA's done with it."
Dana, today there's even greater than usual attention being paid by Wall Street to the Federal Reserve and its decision to cut rates. With that it mind, I know that the President confers with the Chairman of the Federal Reserve from time to time. Did they talk this morning?
Not that I'm aware of, but as you know, I don't comment on any movements that the Fed makes.
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
"I don't comment on this."
Somebody broke the damn Girl Scotty!
Has the President asked again recently of the Department of Justice whether all interrogation techniques currently being used are legal? And with the arrival of a new Attorney General, will he again seek assurances from the Department of Justice that all interrogation techniques are legal?
Well, I would refer you to Justice Department in terms of what the Attorney -- the new Attorney General is seeking. But in 2004 the Office of Legal Counsel issued a memo, and I would refer you to Steve Bradbury's comment when we dealt with this I think three months ago.
Isn't that the same Office of Legal Counsel that said, in effect, "It ain't torture if their organs ain't failing"?
Has the President teased you about the Cuban Missile Crisis at all?
No. It was a humorous show and I was exaggerating. Tell your host of your late-night show that.
To the reporter: Bush would have to have a whole lotta nerve to make fun of Girl Scotty for being stupid about history.
To Girl Scotty: It is not necessary -- and frankly, it's damn near impossible -- to exaggerate your stupidity. So stop.
UPDATE: Just correct some stupid noun/verb tense issues.