Dateline Friday, December 14, 2007
(WR) BALI, Indonesia--Delegates at the Climate Conference in Bali called off their summit today without reaching any agreement. The decision to stop the negotiations was summed up by one US delegate this way:
It's just been too hot to work. We're all planning on getting back together after things cool down.
More news below the fold.
(WR) WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Reporters accompanying President Bush on his morning jog today report that the President has been injured. According to eye witnesses a Great White Shark, outside of his normal range perhaps as a result of rising temperatures, leapt from the Potomac at a location near the Jefferson Memorial as the President jogged by, bit off his arm and disappeared downstream before Secret Service agents could react.
Vice President Dick Cheney who had been following behind the President in his Hoveround did manage to get off one shot at the fleeing beast with a sawed-off shotgun that he always carries in a quick-draw holster on his scooter. Unfortunately, the Vice President missed, peppering Jefferson's face with buckshot. Capitol groundskeepers who examined the damage said that the buckshot had apparently etched out an image of the Holy Virgin on the 3rd Presidents right cheek. The appropriate religious authorities are being consulted.
The President is reported to be in stable condition at Walter Reed Army Hospital, where he is quoted in a press release as saying, "I don't get it. I thought dolphins liked people."
(WR)--Atlanta Intensifying his campaign to bring rain to the drought-stricken city of Atlanta, Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue has announced that all citizens of Atlanta will take a vow of chastity and become members of the Cistercian order. Over 5 million hairshirts have been ordered for the city's new monks and nuns. City officials say that as soon as the shirts are distributed, pilgrimages will be organized to Washington DC to implore Our Lady of Jefferson's Cheek for rain.
When asked about the situation in nearby Clark County where earlier construction of wetlands and reservoirs has improved water recycling and protected the country from the effects of the drought, city officials responded "Well, what can you expect from a bunch of Goddamned atheists?"
(WR) Phoenix Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon announced today that the entire city of Phoenix was moving to Las Vegas in response to global warming. When asked for his rationale, the mayor replied, "well it's just as miserably hot and dry up there as it is here, but it's a hell of a lot more fun." Gordon's counterpart, Las Vegas mayor Oscar B. Goodman responded to the several hundred mile-long caravan of SUV's and Winnebago's as it entered the city, "I guess it can happen here, but they sure can't stay here."
(WR) Antarctica--Scientists studying the Emperor Penguin who have recently reported on the rapid decline in the birds' numbers are all abuzz about changes in the birds behavior. Scientists at the U.S. Antarctic Research Station say that 2007 is apparently the year of the Protest March of the Penguins. A large number of birds have been spotted carrying signs and placards on this year's march with slogans like "Stop Global Warming", "Don't Fry My Egg", and "Senator Inhofe would you hold my place in line?"