Can you spare a few hugs for me tonight?

When feeling down most people seek out friends for comfort, so that's what this diary is about.  And I consider many fellow kossacks very good friends.

Come with me below and I will share what a mess my life is and why I am in need of some hugs tonight.....

Where to start...
Well, I guess I will start with the fact that my marriage of 17 years is over.  I am actually kind of indifferent about that at this point.  The marriage hasn't been good for a few years away.
The hard thing is we are stuck together until I can complete my culinary arts degree so I can finally get a job so I can support myself and get a divorce.  
He is only here in the house with me on the weekends, so it's not as bad as it could be.  But, it still isn't easy.

The next area of my life that has been giving me hell is the school I am attending trying to complete my degree from.  I have had every problem from caps on how much money I can get for student loans (thanks fucking republicans) which keeps me from being able to take as many classes as I want, to having classes I need fill up before I can get them which pushes me further behind because I have to wait until the next semester for the classes I need.

The next problem is my health.  From stomach and gall bladder problems to my new problems of an irregular PAP test and uterine fibroid tumors.  I just had an MRI a week ago and they are talking surgery because one of my fibroids is the size of an orange.  Needless to say I am not happy about this.  For one thing, I have never had surgery before, and the other thing is the shitty insurance I am under that has a $2700 deductible.  I haven't a clue how to pay for that?

And if this all wasn't enough....I feel in love with someone this past summer who broke my heart into a million little itty-bitty tiny pieces.  I feel like such a damn fool for falling for this man too, but who can control their heart?  

So, that leaves me where I am tonight.  I am crying about the man I am in love with, and I am crying about not being able to end my marriage now and move on, and I am crying about my health and wishing for a miracle to help pay for the surgery.

If you can take a break from the primary wars, please share some hugs below.

Peace and love to everyone.

•  Hugs, tips, they are all the same....

  share either way.

  by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:36:34 PM PDT

  •  Giant major hugs and sqweezes

    We are all here for you!  I hope that helps :-)

    by fireflynw on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 09:48:23 PM PDT

•  Hugs

  angrybird. Sending you love and healing thoughts and energies.

  by srkp23 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:39:05 PM PDT

  •  Thank you srkp23, it means a lot to me.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:42:29 PM PDT

•  Hugs

  

  

  by Trix on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:39:11 PM PDT

  •  And one more :)

    

    by Trix on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:41:29 PM PDT

    •  Does this man

      in the red shirt have a ginormous man boob???

      by fireflynw on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 09:49:44 PM PDT

      •  Yes... it's from the movie Fight Club

        Narrator: This is Bob. Bob had bitch tits.

        [Camera pans to a REMAINING MEN TOGETHER sign]

        Narrator: This was a support group for men with testicular cancer. The big moosie slobbering all over me... that was Bob.

        Robert 'Bob' Paulson: We're still men.

        Narrator: [slightly muffled due to Bob's enormous breasts] Yes, we're men. Men is what we are.

        Narrator: Eight months ago, Bob's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy. He developed bitch tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen. And that was where I fit...

        Robert 'Bob' Paulson: They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.

        Narrator: Between those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

        IMDB

        by Trix on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 09:59:13 PM PDT

        •  laughing hysterically here

          omg the tears......

          by fireflynw on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 10:54:32 PM PDT

  •  Thanks Trix...

    and I really appreciated the photos.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:43:25 PM PDT

  •  I woulda smacked you if you sent me that picture

    of Chimpy and Mac hugging...

    roflma

    snark.....

    by Statusquomustgo on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:56:45 PM PDT

•  Can you tell us more?

  Nothing helps like getting it out.  What went wrong with your marriage?

  by revelwoodie on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:39:52 PM PDT

  •  Well...

    I think we got married too young.  We went through a lot of stressful times that made us grow apart.  And we just aren't in love with each other.  I hate to say it, but I can't help but wonder if we ever were?
    Thanks for asking revelwoodie, I appreciate that and letting me get it out a little by sharing.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:46:52 PM PDT

    •  Your story has a certain... familiarity to me

      I'm okay; I trust you will be too.  I don't really know you, but I know your position, and here's a hug for it.

      And, for the record, a heartbreak at that juncture is near inevitable; I think it may be in order to prove you have a heart, after putting it on ice for years.

      by renaissance grrrl on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:54:08 PM PDT

      •  Thank you renaissance grrrl....

        and I think I know exactly what you mean.  I have been numb for a number of years until this summer that is.

        by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:20:41 PM PDT

        •  Now that you're warmed up, it'll happen again

          Things will come together in time.  I wish you good health and better luck.  And reaching out to the people here for support always helps; it helped me.

          by renaissance grrrl on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:46:00 PM PDT

        •  I hear you. n/t

          by srkp23 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:46:42 PM PDT

•  {{{{angrybird}}}}

  

  Come daydream with me awhile . . .
  
  (Photo Source)

  by Dreaming of Better Days on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:41:38 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Dreaming....

    I hope things are going much better for you in your life right now; I would hate to think we are both suffering.  (((HUGS))) back my friend.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:48:24 PM PDT

•  I Am Sorry .... Big Hug! n/t

  by webranding on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:42:11 PM PDT

  •  Thank you webranding...

    (((Hugs))) back to you.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:49:13 PM PDT

    •  You Are More Then Welcome

      one day at a time ........

      by webranding on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:51:59 PM PDT

•  Hugs for you n/t

  by chicago minx on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:43:38 PM PDT

  •  Thank you chicago minx....

    and (((HUGS))) back to you also.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:49:56 PM PDT

•  Life is like a box of chocolates...

  etc., etc.

  When one door closes, another one opens.  You just may not see the open one yet.

  {{{{angrybird}}}}

  by Terre on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:46:29 PM PDT

  •  Thanks Terre...

    I'm just feeling the weight of everything tonight.  But, I'll try to be positive.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:51:11 PM PDT

    •  It's not easy

      to be positive, but I think it at least helps to make people stronger.

      Look to yourself also for the hugs you deserve.  One day at a time.  You are your own best friend.

      by Terre on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:09:20 PM PDT

    •  There's avery, very old song that starts with

      "Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week......"  Isn't it great to have these tubes as a way of easing that just a little bit.  Big hugs and good thoughts are oozing through in your direction.

      by Lying eyes on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 08:06:33 PM PDT

•  Hey dude! Movies and ice cream! :D

  I wanna go see The Golden Compass. We should go this week. :D

  And never forget the indominable power of black rasberry ice cream.

  And set politics away for a while.. it'll make ya fuckin' nuts.

  by westcott on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:48:13 PM PDT

  •  I wish I could go somewhere....

    I'm afraid I'm snowed in.  There is a winter storm warning where I am; don't you just love winter?  

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:52:57 PM PDT

    •  :) Lil bit of snow here in Philadelphia

      It'll just be a mess, hood thing I'm off the next couple days so I can spend a bunch of time on political blog working myself into a frenzy over something some random unknown person will say about someone I support and I'll throw shit and freak out..

      Second thought.. Mebbe I should go to work? :p

      Better days ahead. and Hey I make a mean pop tart.. If you want I could send you my secret for your thesis in culinary school. set the toaster to "3". Ssshhh it's a secret. ;)

      by westcott on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:56:49 PM PDT

    •  We are expecting a foot of snow here tonight n/t

      by khloemi on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:15:40 PM PDT

    •  Sorry, nope!

      Inside joke. I live in the Caribbean.

      But you -- take a walk in that snow as soon as you can. A nice long walk that clears the head.

      by Caneel on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:54:33 PM PDT

•  You have to love your self first.

  I'll give you a virtual hug to get you started.   Hang in there.

  by SpamNunn on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:48:44 PM PDT

  •  Thanks SpamNunn....

    and I'll try to hang in there.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:53:54 PM PDT

    •  You can't love anyone and no one will

      want to love you unless you start with Numero Uno.  I will pray for you. Let us know how you do.  

      by SpamNunn on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:11:40 PM PDT

•  Doggies and kitties always make me feel better...

  
  
  
  

  by ImpeachKingBushII on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:49:17 PM PDT

  •  omg, that is so cute!!

    by Statusquomustgo on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:51:49 PM PDT

  •  Thank you so much!

    Those pictures are the first thing to make me smile all day!  

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:54:52 PM PDT

    •  (((((angrybird)))))

      Things will get better.  You just need to focus on yourself now, and not the men in your life.  I hope things get better.

      by Unstable Isotope on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:01:53 PM PDT

      •  Thank you Unstable Isotope....

        and you are right; the men in my life are making my life hell.

        by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:23:28 PM PDT

•  Oh angrybird

  I'm so sorry. Life does sometimes throw lots of crap at you at once. Try to find a way to comfort yourself--a hot bubble bath, herbal tea, whatever makes you feel like you are taking care.

  And remember, this too shall pass.

  {{{{HUGS}}}}

  by casperr on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:50:20 PM PDT

  •  Thanks casperr...

    If it was only one or two things I don't think I would be this upset.  I'm just feeling everything tonight.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:56:32 PM PDT

•  Sure.

  {{{{{{{angrybird}}}}}}

  I can always spare a hug. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Remember to keep your eye on what you want your life to be like, and keep moving towards that.

  by kath25 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:50:55 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Kath25, and I will take your advice.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:57:20 PM PDT

    •  It might help

      for you to make a list of things you want to do in your life, now, later, whenever, to remind yourself of what you can always be hoping for and aiming towards.

      Good luck!!

      Just think, in a few weeks it will be a New Year, and a new start. :-)

      by kath25 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:02:18 PM PDT

•  {{{{HUGS}}}} for you

  I hope everything will work out for you soon. I'm sorry your life is hell right now. Best wishes being sent your way. Hang in there angrybird.

  by MadMs on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:51:50 PM PDT

  •  Thank you MadMs....

    the company of fellow kossacks always helps me feel a bit better.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:58:18 PM PDT

•  Anyone who needs hugs

  should have them

  so hugs

  by plf515 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:52:05 PM PDT

  •  Thank you....

    and (((HUGS))) back to you too.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:59:00 PM PDT

•  hugs angrybird...

  hate that you are having so many
  problems...  chip away at them one
  by one so it doesn't overwhelm you.

  take care of yourself first and foremost

  by Statusquomustgo on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:52:24 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Statusquomustgo...

    I think I am feeling overwhelmed tonight, but the hugs are helping.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:00:17 PM PDT

•  A Bear Hug

  
  
  

  by Partially Impartial on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:54:06 PM PDT

  •  Thank you so much...

    and that picture is too cute.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:01:08 PM PDT

•  Please focus on your health and,

  as much as possible, school.  Taking care of yourself and your future will help most.

  I am so sorry you have this pile of yuck to deal with.  Jus ain't fair.

  {{{{Hugs for Angrybird}}}}

  by gloryous1 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:55:07 PM PDT

  •  Thank you gloryous1....

    the hugs and sympathy help a lot.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:02:34 PM PDT

•  Statusquomustgo posted their advice

  before I got a chance to post mine but I think the idea of dealing with one problem at a time is the best.  Before your surgery talk to your doctor and the financial office at the hospital.  I think that emotional problems are the kind that like to hang on and make guest appearances at the worst times.  Deal with your health first and time and new people will help when it comes to the matters of your heart.  Good luck, everything will eventually be okay.

  by Patricia Bruner on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:59:05 PM PDT

  •  Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:03:33 PM PDT

  •  great minds.... :)

    by Statusquomustgo on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:09:49 PM PDT

•  {{{{{{{ }}}}}}

  ((((((()))))))))
  ((((((()))))))))

  by indeterminate cutlery on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:59:13 PM PDT

  •  I second that emotion n/t

    by marykk on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:50:38 PM PDT

•  I am giving you

  a big {{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}} and a suggestion for a book to read. Eat, Love, Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert. My dear, dear friend who has breast and brain cancer loaned it to me a long time ago (the author has since been featured on Oprah) and I loved it. And I think you might as well.

  My daughter went through surgery for her fibroid tumors earlier this year. Hers was grapefruit size... She put it off until she could get the time off work. In the meantime, watch your sugar intake! Her doctor reiterated what I had been telling her (nag, nag, nag)...tumors love sugar. I am not a doctor and have no expertise, but I'd heard that for years, and when the doctor agreed with me, I felt vindicated!

  by Mary Mike on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:59:24 PM PDT

  •  Thank you for the tip...

    my doc didn't mention anything about sugar intake.  I will watch that.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:05:00 PM PDT

  •  Dang... I was just goiung to suggest some comfort

    food. Mac and cheese... or maybe some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Any other suggestions?

    by khloemi on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:22:57 PM PDT

•  Prayers For Your Health And Happiness

  Better days are ahead...Hope and Dream!

  by Ky DEM on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 06:59:30 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Ky Dem.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:05:29 PM PDT

•  Angrybird

  Homework:
  You must find one thing that will make you happy, no matter how small... one thing that you enjoy and will make you smile.  Take time out and go for a walk by the water, have your favorite dessert, Bushie dartboard, music... anything.

  Come back with a clear mind, ready to make things better.

  by DoubleBarrellBunnyAnger on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:01:06 PM PDT

•  {{{{{angrybird}}}}} I am sorry

  that you are facing all these problems. I am sending my prayers and good thoughts your way.

  by blue jersey mom on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:01:56 PM PDT

  •  Thank you so much blue jersey mom. n/t

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:06:40 PM PDT

•  angrybird

  i am so sorry for all of these bad things happening to you at once. you may be able to get some good advice about your health issues from this dkos member william f harrison Maybe you could ask him the next time he puts a diary up.

  wish i could help more but here's some hugs: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  by Marlboro Lite on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:02:32 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Marlboro Lite...

    and all the hugs and advice do help.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:07:37 PM PDT

•  Oh! And this one always, Always works! :D

  by westcott on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:03:53 PM PDT

  •  Excellent choice,

    westcott.  {{{Hugs}}} to you for showing such heart.  Kudos.

    by Dreaming of Better Days on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:07:51 PM PDT

•  Duuuuuude

  Sucks to be you. ;)

  I found out yesterday that one of my sources of income for paying for my $360/mo car payment is about to dry up, which thus probably puts the clinch on any plans I had to move and get the hell out of this dump, at least until my car is paid off in August 2009.

  Still hurting from that other thing I told you about. Like, still thinking about it every five minutes.

  Anyways, if you need anything you know where to find me. And get rid of the husband already...sheesh.

  by PerfectStormer on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:03:55 PM PDT

  •  What happened to stormy weathers?

    And I WISH I could get rid of the husband already.  We should get together for a drink to drown our "men" sorrows together.  Of course we will have to wait until it stop freaking snowing!

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:10:37 PM PDT

    •  I killed him a month or so ago.

      I got sick of hiding and sick of people not knowing who I was. (Let the record show that I never used both screen names concurrently, so I never committed sockpuppetry.)

      Drinking. Mmmmm drinking. Yes, lots and lots of drinking. I was going to go to DL the other night, but ended up not going. ::pout::

      And I hear you on the snow. We're supposed to get 6-8 inches in the next 24 hours.

      by PerfectStormer on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:14:14 PM PDT

      •  I didn't make Drink/Lib this week either....

        but, we have to go the next time so we can ogle the cute men ;-)

        by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:26:43 PM PDT

•  Have a hug...

  ...and a photo of our snowdog.

  

  by boran2 on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:05:51 PM PDT

  •  Thank you for the photo....

    that is so cool!

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:11:11 PM PDT

•  Keep bowing

  namaste

  by Just This on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:07:07 PM PDT

•  (((((((( angrybird))))))))

  Beating your brain against lifes walls gets impossible, when it never seems to end. It's even worse when you think you are beating your brain alone. You are not alone. Keep writing.

  by khloemi on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:09:11 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Khloemi....

    and (((HUGS))) back to you.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:12:04 PM PDT

•  Health first...

  Take care of yourself.
  All the rest will take care of themselves.

  by smartcookienyc on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:09:19 PM PDT

  •  Thank you smartcookienyc....

    and I will try.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:12:41 PM PDT

•  Please Be Assured

  that there are thousands of us here, angrybird, who are there for you to give support, advice, and of course HUGS!!!

  When any member of our community is feeling down, it affects us all, and it is the least we can do to try to bolster your spirits.  Whatever happens, don't forget to talk about it.  Keeping negative energy bottled up means, quite simply, that it has nowhere else to go.

  Hang in there, and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today, and then the day after even better than that, and so on.  We're all pulling for you!

  by The Maven on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:12:02 PM PDT

  •  Thank you The Maven....

    I can always count on my fellow kossacks to make me feel better. :-)

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:13:56 PM PDT

•  {{{{{HUGS and MORE HUGS}}}}}

  So sorry to hear this angrybird.  Take care of your health, the rest will follow.

  Where are you going to Culinary School?

  by Cordelia Lear on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:13:23 PM PDT

  •  Thank you Cordelia Lear....

    and I am going to a local community college that has an excellent culinary department; which is why the classes fill up so darn fast.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:15:33 PM PDT

  •  Love your 'handle'

    Shakespeare's lines for Cordelia were my saving grace, in fact the only thing that made sense to me, in a time of great trial and tribulation. I had shed many a tear until one day I revisited "Lear" and like a thunderbolt the world made sense again.

    I hope angrybird finds words somewhere that apply such a salve.

    Always, hugs for {{{{{Cordelia}}}}}.

    by Caneel on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:32:17 PM PDT

    •  No, sir, you must not kneel. n/t

      by Cordelia Lear on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 08:07:37 PM PDT

•  Here's to you feeling better.

  And a couple of hugs too.

  by tazz on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:13:24 PM PDT

  •  Thank you tazz; that made me smile.

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:16:09 PM PDT

    •  It was a choice between a funny video

      or a sad one. When I read your diary about lost love, no one wrote or sung them like you feel right now any better:

      by tazz on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:57:27 PM PDT

•  Hugs to you

  from Mexico, angrybird.  I divorced my husband after a forty year marriage and started a new life in Mexico.
  Don't ever look back.  I am sorry about the medical problems but these things do work out even when you see no light at the end.  Trust me, I know this is true.
  Be strong my friend.

  by mango on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:13:26 PM PDT

  •  Thank you mango...

    and you just inspired me with your life's tale.  (((HUGS)))

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:17:16 PM PDT

    •  Thanks

      I lived with my ex for three months after filing for divorce so I know how hard it can be.

      by mango on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:19:02 PM PDT

•  I don't know you, but right now...

  ... I really feel your pain.

  Have a hug.

  *hug*

  by kraant on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:14:58 PM PDT

  •  Thank you for sharing in my pain....

    it really does help.  (((hugs)))

    by angrybird on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:18:12 PM PDT

•  Good for you for asking

  We all need hugs sometimes, and it sounds like you are due for a lot.  (((HUGS))).  I wish you well.  This is a tough time - it sounds like your troubles are piling up, but better days are ahead.

  by myrealname on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:16:17 PM PDT

•  About the Fibroid Tumor

  Speaking from long experience...and having had a top-notch gyne dr (whom I found, incidentally, after my former dr told me he supported Clarence Thomas). You probably do not need surgery in the immediate future. Please consult another dr before you make that decision.

  I also recommend Dr. Christiane Northrup's books, particularly and most especially, Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom.

  In fact, please do a lot of reading about the various alternatives to surgery for fibroids, including a "wait & see" approach.

  Your body and your mind and heart are all connected, and you are under a great deal of stress in many areas of your life.

  Please take a deep breath and step back for a moment. What we see is a woman of tremendous strength who is tackling major life issues with courage and honesty. Be kind to yourself.

  Hugs to you.

   

  by Empower Ink on Sat Dec 15, 2007 at 07:18:58 PM PDT

  •  Thanks, and I will take your advice.