Cross-posted from policyinsight.org
Mike Huckabee put his raft into the Mississippi off Davenport, Iowa, yesterday, in a brilliant effort to associate his unusual name with the Huck of the Great American Novel.
Ed Rollins, the Reagan adviser who recently joined the campaign, planned the trip as a way to capitalize on the name considered to be too weird for many corporate Republicans. Rollins paid himself one million dollars for the idea, leaving 47 dollars in the campaign coffers to purchase the materials for the raft.
The first snag occurred when no African-American was willing to ride the raft with the right-wing candidate. Those asked cited Huckabee’s lack of knowledge of foreign policy -- or river navigation. The problem was solved by enlisting a slightly senile Methodist minister with a really good suntan. "This is all the diversity America needs," said Huckabee, to the large gathering of reporters. The media praised the raft event for bringing substance to the Iowa campaign.
On the first day out, Huckabee encountered a number of houses floating down the river. The residents said they had been washed away in heavy winter rains, and had been without food or water for several days. The compassionate Huckabee calmed them by saying he would soon be elected and would straighten out FEMA. A small boy within the grateful group pressed for details. Huckabee said he would abolish FEMA because natural disasters only came to punish sinners as a result of God’s Will.
While some of the people in the floating Town Hall meeting asked for forgiveness, others told the Press they might want to hear from other candidates.
In Missouri, Huck and the addled Methodist pulled to the shore near a prison. They crawled up to the wall and opened the gate. Huck called out to the prisoners. "If any of you have raped and murdered Democrats, then come this way and I shall set you free. I’ve performed this miracle before."
This caused the Media to ask Huckabee about some of the unfortunate pardons he had issued while he was governor of Arkansas. (Rollins said this amounted to "drawing the sting," getting the issue out and over with before the Iowa caucuses started.) Huckabee proclaimed that he had never pardoned anyone who believed in Evolution or murdered a Republican.
When asked about pardoning a man who testified that he had helped beat a man to death with a claw hammer, Huckabee said, "It is not for me to determine the proper way to cast out demons."
The next day, they went to a large camp meeting on the shore further down river, which had been arranged to highlight the issue of health care from a Christian point of view.
Huckabee said it was useless to spend tax dollars to treat illnesses, because they were an indication of God’s Will, and usually imposed on sinners. One woman, possibly a Rollins plant, got up and yelled out, "Thank Gawd we Republicans have a God-fearing candidate like Mike Huckabee, and not just extremist Mormon cult members like Mitt Romney."
The Methodist began to stir and rose to his feet. "Not all sick people are sinners," he said. "Some illnesses are caused by the Devil."
Huckabee was momentarily taken aback, but considered the words. Rollins whispered that this might be a good time to broaden his coalition. "Even so," Huckabee said, "God can cure Devil-caused illness. There is no need for Hillary-Care."
Later Rollins issued a clarifying statement to say that it was OK for God-fearing health professionals to make a good living in treating patients who had private insurance, even though the care was not necessary based on a strict interpretation of the Bible.
The raft floated on toward Memphis, where Huckabee made a major speech on AIDS policy. Standing on the lawn at Graceland, flanked by 500 Elvis impersonators, Huckabee announced that he still feels all AIDS sufferers should be placed in concentration camps. (With so many Elvises on hand, he decided not to get into prescription drugs.) Asked how the government would know who had AIDS, Huckabee said it would be fairly easy to round up everyone who seemed gay.
A group of mothers of hemophiliacs protested that this seemed unfair. Huckabee agreed, saying the hemophiliacs could be easily captured when they showed up for blood transfusions.
As the raft drifted south, Rollins pondered the campaign’s lack of a foreign policy. When they tied up to a pier and met the King and the Dolphin, the problem was solved. Huckabee said he would adopt a policy of installing the King to the vacant throne of France.
Asked by the press for justification of a pre-emptive war on an ally, Huckabee said, "To get cheaper communion wine."
One of the reporters had a question about the campaign’s new slogan, "Who better to deal with devious foreigners than a Huckster?"
Rollins said that though it didn’t necessarily make sense, it would play to the base. "After all, we’re talking about France," he said.
policyinsight.org