Friday, I began the first part of a three-part series on the tragedy of Michael Murray--a man raised in possibly one of the most coercive neopente dominionist environments imaginable, one who may have had pre-existing tendencies towards mental illness--and who eventually snapped in violent and bloody fashion by killing five people and himself on a Sunday afternoon in Colorado.
Today, we look into some of what sort of pressure he was under in the group he desperately was trying to walk away from--and where his one chance at escape went desperately wrong when his only route of escape--led him to a dominionist cult which may well have been the straw to break the camel's back.
A look into the bowels of the hell Michael Murray tried to escape
Michael Murray--as I've noted--may well never have had a chance, not without outside assistance to get him out...outside assistance that, in general, has only been available for about a year or so courtesy of groups like International Cultic Studies Association or Safe Passage Foundation. At the time Murray was trying to escape, the very recognition that neopente dominionist groups could be as abusive as Scientology or the Moonies was a very, very new thing indeed; literally the only "halfway house" for walkaways from coercive groups that existed was Wellspring, a facility that has enough Christian overtones to be potentially triggering in and of itself to an escapee from a "Bible-based" coercive group.
And more and more, especially with the release of posts that Murray made on another walkaway forum--the Association of Former Pentecostals forums, a survivor community for those who have escaped abusive neopente dominionist groups--the impression I keep getting of Murray is as a panicked, trapped animal ready to chew off his leg if necessary.
Some of the forum posts from Murray are telling as to the environment he grew up in--an environment which in many ways is all too eerily similar to my own 26-year horror:
nghtmrchld26
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(1/14/07 2:17 am)
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the "Council for National Policy" and evangelicals
I remember growing up in pentecostalism/evangelicalism, we were always told to support the republicans/conservatives and to "hate those evil satanic democrats." Jesus never said to put our trust in any political leader, yet we see so many christians trying sooooo hard to believe that "America was founded on fundamentalist evangelical christianity and we must turn america back towards God!!!(the evangelica/fundamentalist/pentecostal version nontheless)"
This ties right into what is known as Dominionism.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cou...nal_Policy
www.sourcewatch.org/index...nal_Policy
www.au.org/site/News2?pag...9&abbr=cs_
www.alternet.org/story/21372/
I find this "Council for National Policy" interesting.
One of the things I want to know is:
Why do these evangelical/pentecostal leaders condemn "the occult"/"freemasonry" yet they themselves are part of or at least completely ignore a group that itself has secret membership, secret meetings, and is invitation only.
Of course, this secretive christian/evangelical "CNP" group raises many questions.......
Ah, yes, this is so familiar from my own past too--as I've noted on here, I'm an escapee from a politically active Assemblies church too (in fact, our local dominionist rabblerousers happen to be run by a deacon of the very church I am a walkaway from--a deacon who is happily provided airtime and frank assistance by the very pastor of the church I walked away from, the same church that likes to occasionally perform involuntary outings and "exorcisms" of gay youth in the church.
Our church also liked to condemn Freemasons, too--actually terming them and anyone else in a "secret society" as flat out devil worshippers. (Needless to say, I was amused when I found my grandfather's Masonic guides and found the basis was the builders of the Temple on the Mount. :D)
It was also ultimately the hypocracy that turned me away--and one of Murray's other entries on the Ex-Pentecostals forums in particular hits all too close to home for me in being so similar to my own life as a teen:
nghtmrchld26
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(3/14/07 8:52 pm)
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pentecostal insanity regarding media/entertainment
Growing up, TV, Internet/computers, video games, music, Christian contemporary music, movies and books were all extremely restricted. All those things carried this......mystique about them. They were like these mythical things imbued with incredible power straight from Satan, all run by Satanist covens operating out of Hollywood, Washington D.C.(when Bill Clinton was in office), and abortion clinics. Except there was one problem............the senior pastor and his close church friends and their families all watched TV/Cable TV, had the internet, listened to at least some non-Christian music and all listened to CCM, video games(including those satanic "T" and "M" rated ones), and all, especially the senior pastor, had "R" Movie collections. Me and some of the other non-elite church youth and members asked about these contradictions but never received any answers.
I still remember how we were told that "The Simpsons" was a very evil and Satanic TV show with the intent of causing people to leave Christianity (as if that’s a bad thing). As a teenager my mother had the TV tuner removed by a TV technician so that it could only receive from the AV inputs, meaning, could only watch VHS and DVDs. I remember me and the other church youth would go over to the Senior pastor’s house and ask to watch the very same movie that his 10 year old son or daughter had told us they’d watch and be told "sorry guys, that’s rated ‘R,’ it’s not Godly." Of course we’d ask "but then why do you have it?" Sometimes he’d lie, other times he’d just say "sorry...you can’t."
I remember wanting to listen to Christian music and be told by my parents and other church members that we couldn’t, EVEN THOUGH the senior pastor’s and other church leader’s families did.
Internet was treated as one of Satan’s special weapons in the "end-times" to promote sex(which everyone knows is of the Devil.....) Everyone was terrified that one of us teenagers might get a glimpse of a naked body and become demon possessed. This always confused me for how can viewing what God designed be satanic at the same time? And if we "lust" are the demons able to read our thoughts and somehow know to seize upon us? Isn’t it possible to see nudity without lusting somehow? Of course, the senior pastor’s two oldest children, one male the other female, got someone pregnant and got pregnant; the other two younger ones were proven to be sexually active. Other church leader’s children were sexually active.
Music was VERY restricted of course. We got all kinds of lectures on how Satanist covens had some kind of backmasking technology and were partnered with all the artists, including Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Britney Spears, Madonna and N’sync. Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith were said be in on it too...even though the "elite" members of the church listened to them. Growing up, I was restricted to listening to....sermons on the radio or through tapes.
Books were VERY restricted. We were only allowed to read Christian books and forced to memorize the bible. When Harry Potter came out we were all given lectures about how "we’re living in the end times and Satan is trying to capture the children and make them all witches!!!!" I knew of a few people who got harassed for letting their kids read Harry Potter.
I remember with all these different forms of media it was like I was always in Mission Impossible. We were either at church or being brainwashed in Christian home school. When we did have free time...we were either forced to pray, read the bible, do chores, or.....well nothing since we were not allowed to do anything. We were all being trained to "become the future of Christianity." "The chosen generation that is going to turn America back to God in these last days."
"The chosen generation who are going to become great prophets and pastors and evangelists and missionaries in the world."
"The chosen generation who are going to take over the world and do away with everyone else’s false satanic religion and take dominion until Jesus returns!!!!!!"
Well, I got all fed up with the insanity, hypocrisy, conflicting doctrines, the and lack of absolute answers in regards to "salvation," heaven and hell and other theological issues, the child abuse, brainwashing, lies, gossip, scandals, threats and fear mongering. I got tired of always hearing "oooohh, you’re saved by grace, not by works!" "Everybody loves you! Jesus loves you!" only to hear about how I was going to hell for watching "The simpsons" or could lose my salvation and could never be certain if 30 years from now I might lose it due to some odd sin and die in an accident and end up in this eternal hell preached to us day and night.
Me, I found a new Law to live by and I realized......I don’t have to be abused nor submit to these liars and their lies nor do I have to be afraid of this make-believe hell and false theory of salvation which no fundamentalist Christian could ever give solid answers on.
Me and many others are waking up.
We will rise up above and against these abuses against humanity.
Men will no longer be ruled by fear and superstition, oppressed by bigotry and tyranny.
. . .
nghtmrchld26
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(3/16/07 7:21 am)
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Re: pentecostal insanity regarding media/entertainment
Yeah Diamond girl, when I was a teenager my mother would do a pat down to check for music, DVDs and video games whenever I came out of an electronics store like Best Buy or Circuit City. I'd still obtain things anyways, it was like getting drugs from a drug dealer, EVERYTHING had to be done in secret. lol
I remember getting thrown around the room and hit while getting interrogated about whether or not I had video games and DVDs. Then there were the constant interrogations by the church pastors. @#%$ hypocrites.
I remember having to listen to everything in secret, at very low volume levels or with headphones, whether it was video games, TV, DVDs, or music/radio. Every day was like Mission Impossible, as even ONE mis-step and it could be all over.
My mother would search EVERYWHERE on a regular basis. You'd have thought I was hiding methamphetamines(which her favorite pastor, Ted Haggard was found guilty of) or something serious....but it was all over DVDs, Cds, and video games, the issue of drug abuse or the like never came up. And when she confiscated something, she'd almost never tell me. She'd always pretend like she had no idea what I was talking about, until I had her cornered with evidence....so much for "Liars go to the lake of fire."
I too remember sneaking in secular music, too--there were the claims in my church as well that "Christian heavy metal" and even a lot of "Christian contemporary" artists were "sellouts" because their stuff sounded too much like "secular music" and they dared to sell their music to secular audiences, the claims that practically all music contained "backwards masking" meant to make you worship Satan and which could be used as a "gateway for Satan to enter your life", the occasional searches--and fears of being searched for--forbidden music. (I myself had quite the collection of music carefully dubbed on casette and carefully hidden away.)
We too were explicitly trained as the "last generation", the generation that would finally "conquer America for Christ", the ones who would finally take back the nation from the "godless" and the "forces of Satan" (yes, folks, they liked to literally demonise both the DNC and the Log Cabin Republicans).
I also remember the having to sneak to watch non-vetted media--and the hypocracy of church members who'd happily engage in "sins" themselves.
We didn't have "Internet panics" for obvious reasons, but there WERE similar panics over computer usage in general--it was being preached that the "mark of the beast" could be computer usage, for starters.
The strange parallels with Matthew Murray's early life and my own even continue to some of the frankly bizarre things we dealt with in growing up, supposedly being "prophesied" as being "great leaders" of "Generation Joshua":
nghtmrchld26
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(9/7/07 9:13 pm)
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"Prophetic Child"
Since I was at least age 6 my mother and her church friends have always told me about how my birth was "foretold." They say that while I was still in my mother's womb a "prophet" told my mother that I was to be, quote, "a prophet to the nations" and something along the lines of the next Billy Graham/Peter Wagner.
They said that the following verses applied to me:
Mat. 12.18 and Ezk. 36:26-28
Basically, they believe that I am their "chosen one" for "the end times" and according to the Ezekial passage they believe that I am going to go back to their church/system.
The problem right now is the fact that it appears that they are always going to pursue me throughout life(and they have said so), as I am supposedly the "chosen one." As far as I can tell they did not treat the other youth the same way.
Well, I don't want to be their "chosen one" at all. I just wish I could find some way to wake up from this nightmare.
. . .
nghtmrchld26
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(9/8/07 3:46 pm)
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Re: "Prophetic Child"
Yeah.
And I was supposed to keep this "calling" completely secret from outsiders. Like even other christians were not supposed to know if they were not a part of the "church elite" at that church and with my mother.
. . .
ghtmrchld26
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(11/4/07 12:14 am)
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Re: "Prophetic Child"
In this prophecy, they also believe that it was "prophesied" that I would rebel, but then RETURN to their church and that's helping to drive me crazy.
They will always be targeting me,hoping and praying I'll come back, waiting for some weakness(financial, health, or otherwise) so they can move in and re-convert me. Sometimes I fear I'll end up going back. Sometimes the depression gets so dark, and trying to live in the "real unsheltered world" gets so hard I start to think about returning back to what is at least "familiar," into a system I at least know how to behave and live in. I know there is a way out of this nightmare
It's just so f***ed up that this is the whole reason I was born.
The virgins are feeling cheated and there is an exit here,
Don't say it isn't it's true......
I went to God just to see.........
. . .
nghtmrchld26
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(11/4/07 1:36 pm)
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Re: "Prophetic Child"
ok yeah, all these crazy memories. I can't fully remember and if i try too hard the room will start spinning and I'll go crazy. but yeah.....
Yeah I agree. No matter how hardcore cult-like these end of days dominionist pentecostal charismatic church members want to be...I'll never give in. They can make fun of me, harass me, and even break my back...but they won't break me.
I'm working on a way out here, time is going to wash away all pain.
As amazing as it may sound, he's not the only one to have gotten this sort of thing. I was so often told (from the time I was born, just about) that God had supposedly "promised" me to my mother, that my birth was foretold, that I was supposed to be a great "healer", that I'd eventually return to the fold, etc.
I also remember the fear that they would drag me kicking and screaming back in--in fact, in large part, it's because of that fear (which I deal with everyday and probably always will deal with in some manner or another) that I fight, that I educate. The thought they could drag me back into that terrifies me like few other things.
And many of us who were raised as the child soldiers of "Joel's Army" deal with this every day. We don't shoot up churches, no. We have, in general, more appropriate ways of dealing with this.
But we all pretty much deal with that baggage and that fear.
In another forum (a survivor forum for escapees from Gothard's cultic tactics), Murray also discusses the perpetual fear that every multigen walkaway--hell, every walkaway from a coercive neopente dominionist group--experiences now and again:
Thread: End Times/Left Behind Insanity (Truth or Error) (Posted on: 26 Nov : 16:56)
I remember as a child laying awake at night, terrified that I was going to "get left behind" for some childish bad thing I'd done or thought or some mistake I'd done. That was around age 8-12 and I would continue to have similar fear through my teenage years. I remember being terrified around year 2000 and always worried about this..."antichrist" who was going to somehow do all these terrible things to people who weren't "born again" AND had not lost their salvation/committed some sin. I'd lay awake at night and be terrified during the day asking over and over "what if I commit a sin, and don't have time to confess and ask God forgiveness and repent and get...left behind?!" "what if I'm in some sin that I don't even recognize and I get......left behind?" "what if I'm watching something on TV that's somehow a "sin" and Jesus returns and I get......left behind?" "what if I commit the unpardonable sin and get....left behind?"
Some days I'd even lay awake worrying that I had dropped a few cents while placing my 10% tithes into the offering plate or that I had miscalculated my tithes and....something bad would happen........
Then there was all the Eph 6:1-3 teachings which caused me to worry since no one could answer the question "what if a child rebels against a parent or pastor who is being abusive?"(no, not just a little strict or "setting some standards".........) and "why don't all these rules of non-violence and other rules apply to church leaders and parents?"
(A minor aside: the "Eph. 6:1-3 teachings" noted are a specific "scripture twisting" promoted quite heavily in Gothard circles, and in neopente dominionist circles in general. The text:
(RSV)
[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
[2] "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise),
[3] "that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth."
(NIV--an explicitly dominionist modern translation which would likely be used in Gothard circles)
[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
[2] "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—
[3] "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
In general, "scripture twisting" of Ephesians 6:1-3 is used to stifle any complaints of abuse by children or even any opposition of parental will; notably not included is the admonishment in Ephesians 6:4 (to advise parents not to provoke their children to wrath) nor are instructions in Ephesians 6:5-9 that would be considered highly politically incorrect nowadays (admonishing slaves to happily serve their masters and their masters to treat them well; this particular section was in fact used pre-Civil War to justify Biblical sanction for slavery). The rest of Ephesians (regarding the "armour of God") has been heavily misused in "Joel's Army" circles; sections of Ephesians 5:22 (relating to women "submitting to their husbands") have been misused in almost identical fashion, as have Ephesians 5:18 (used for justification of teetotalism and "Holy Laughter"-type Joel's Army movements--notably the "Brownsville Revival" which was a major conduit for popularising Joel's Army theology), other sections of Ephesians 5 (to justify the dominionist "parallel economy"); the entire book of Ephesians is in fact a message from an imprisoned Paul to the church regarding "keeping the faith" and regarding specific issues that were threatening to split the church at the time (including, notably, whether marriage should be an institution at all).
(There is some controversy by modern non-dominionist biblical scholars regarding whether Ephesians was ever written by Paul in the first place (and is one of several books of the Bible traditionally attributed to Paul now thought to have disputed authorship). Whether or not Paul was in fact the author of Ephesians, it can be argued Ephesians was an attempt at setting up an initial church hierarchy; the latter two books have been rampantly abused by "Joel's Army" groups in particular, however.)
One of the main differences between my escape and Murray's dark fate--I, first of all, had a chance TO escape. My folks were too poor to afford dominionist private school (even with financial assistance) and dominionist "home education" was not yet popular.
This meant, in large part, that I had a support network of people from Outside--despite the best efforts of my family and the church to cut me off, I did have a network, at least one or two people along the way who were there to reassure me they were with me, that I was loved, that what I grew up with was not normal, that they'd stick by me in my wolf-child period of readjusting to society.
I still have that--I was able to escape, finally, dating for eight years and then marrying my husband with a week's notice to my family, after having pre-arranged the marriage with a justice of the peace to defuse any attempt by my mother to derail the proceedings.
Matthew Murray, sadly, was not so lucky. Even before he escaped, he was starting to show signs of cracking under pressure:
All that insanity along with some other pentecostal/Bill Gothard doctrines at one point made me to want to die since......"there's no point in living anyways since I'm going to be left behind or end up in hell no matter what I do"....there might have also been some....uh...self-mutilation in all that too.
In fact, Matthew Murray was downright unlucky--being born in that period where dominionist "home education" was the New Hotness, by using Bill Gothard's curriculum (recognised as pretty much the "worst of the worst" as far as dominionist home education curricula goes), and--ultimately--by his sole options for escape being a Southern Baptist college and ultimately to his involvement with Youth With A Mission.
Murray--unlike myself--never had the chance to escape. From another post on Independent Spirits:
Thread: We are the Nobodies (General) (Posted on: 31 Oct : 17:17)
So many people don't have any clue about The Nightmare we've grown up in. I mean, it's not my fault I was raised in homeschool for 12 f***ing years and that I'm not able to "socialize normally." How am I supposed to socialize and make new friends when I'm always left out of everything, and always made to be the outcast? I'm nice, I'm considerate, a lot of people tell me I'm intelligent and kind....so why the f*** must everyone think they have some right to abuse and reject me?
I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. Never inviting me to all your fun parties, never inviting me to hang out. And no, don't say, 'Well, that's your fault' because it isn't. You people had my phone number, and I asked and all, but no no no no no don't let the weird kid come along, oooh f***ing nooo
Right now I'm trying to get laid and to finish up some sh**. Why the F**k can't I get any? I mean, I'm nice and considerate and all that s***, but nooooo.... it's not my fault I was sheltered my whole life and wasn't given a f***inkg clue about sex and dating.
No one really gives a f*** about me....everyone thinks they have it soooooo bad.... going to their little church, going to work, hanging out with their long list of friends that care, taking the life they have for granted......
From the frying pan into the fire
It helps to know a little bit of backgrounder regarding YWAM to understand why his involvement with them may well have broken him.
Youth With A Mission is one of the older of the neopente dominionist "parachurch" groups--however, in truth, YWAM may be considered legitimately to be one of the earlier front-groups of the Assemblies of God; its core theology is essentially Assemblies theology, its founder was an Assemblies pastor, and it was formed as essentially a means of making young "Joel's Army" members into missionaries and pastors. (And no, the "Assemblies front group" thing isn't just me; the Assemblies themselves frankly acknowledge YWAM as an affiliated group. Further evidence is revealed by YWAM's links with Paul Yonggi Cho; Cho essentially was the Assemblies of God for all intents and purposes during most of the 1990s and is still highly influential in the denomination, and essentially invented the abusive "discipling and shepherding"/"cell church" movement.)
Contrary to what has been reported in the media as a whole, Youth With A Mission is far from a mere innocuous youth ministry. Much o YWAM's focus is targeting other "people of the book"--Jewish and Moslem peoples in particular--for conversion to "Messianic Jews" and "Messianic Moslems". Multiple exit counseling groups, including Rick Ross Institute, International Cultic Studies Association, Steven Hassan's Freedom of Mind Institute, and many others have received multiple, consistent reports of coercive tactics and religious abuse within the organisation itself; in fact, YWAM is one of the most consistently reported "Bible-based" groups in regards to use of coercive tactics.
One major "danger sign" of a coercive group that YWAM displays is that of the use of front organisations--and YWAM uses those in spades. A group called "Mercy Ships" promoting itself as a "Christian alternative" to Doctors Without Borders is a YWAM frontgroup; another YWAM frontgroup is The Film Institute which produced the infamous "Path to 9/11" pseudodocumentary which falsely claimed that Bill Clinton ordered US solders not to shoot Osama bin Laden.
One site documenting both abuse and apologetics concerns with YWAM has several instances on record of coercive tactics being promoted within YWAM--in addition to the frank promotion of neopente dominionist "Moral Government" theology (in fact, YWAM is one of the longest-term and most persistent and insistent promoters of neopentecostal dominionism of any group). Apologetics Index, a site which documents spiritual abuse as well as apologetics concerns with dominionist and other coercive groups, is in fact run by a person who has personally witnessed coercive tactics within YWAM, and at least one survivor story from a person who witnessed systematic abuse within YWAM's facility in Maui has been noted.
YWAM in particular promotes two documented harmful practices--namely, abusive "discipling and shepherding" movements and a particularly extreme version of "deliverance ministry" in which it is claimed that entire areas can be possessed by "territorial spirits"--and neighbourhoods, entire cities, are "spiritually mapped" by YWAM's cadre of young God Warriors to know which areas to concentrate "spiritual warfare" on. Both tactics are known to be quite harmful indeed--"discipling and shepherding" are known to cause documented personality type changes, and "deliverance ministry" in and of itself is known to occasionally cause mental breakdowns severe enough to require hospitalisation in mental wards.
Persons who have commented on spiritual abuse within YWAM have found themselves drummed out in case after case.
And--sadly--it seems Youth With A Mission is not an exception in that all of these abusive tactics occasionally result in frank psychotic breakdowns. Dave Andrews, author of Christ-Anarchy (a book describing his experiences in, and eventual castaway/throwaway status from, YWAM) details:
It almost destroyed my life. What I haven't said in the book is that I became suicidal because all the significant people I turned to denounced me, no one else would speak to me, and the people who had promised to protect me ended up having psychological breakdowns. One guy was taken away to an asylum.
It was absolutely devastating. I had a pain in my chest for six months after that and every time I encountered somebody from YWAM for the next year after that I started shaking. So it was a pretty traumatic experience.
How did I deal with that? In myself it was very difficult because God and 'God language' had been used to denounce me and destroy my life so it was very hard to pray or to read the Bible because it was redolent with memories of oppression. But I still trusted that somehow God was big enough and good enough to bring me through.
(emphasis mine)
Sadly, we may have to add Matthew Murray to the tally of people who--if not driven completely insane by coercive tactics in dominionist churches--were certainly pushed over the precipice.
* * *
Murray describes his own experience at YWAM thusly on Ex-Pentecostals:
nightmrchld26
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(5/8/07 5:34 pm)
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Re: My YWAM Horror Story
I did my DTS at YWAM Denver and Dale Lambert was my DTS school leader. I witnessed all kinds of insanity. Men would be making out with other men in the hallways, listening to all kinds of "metal music"(non-christian), smoke pot with each other while off base, there were rumors of sexual activity, both hetero and homosexual.
Not that any of those things are bad...but.......
Why was I told that I couldn't be a missionary because I wasn't "social enough"? I was told that I was "an introvert."
Everyone else got to go on their outreaches except for a few who lied about smoking (cigarettes).
The authoritarianism and hypocrisy is outrageous. The YWAM leaders would always believe that they had some special "connection to God" to be able to dictate and rule over student's lives. I'm not talking about simple rules like "no drugs allowed" but rather "we prayed and we feel like the spirit says that you're not loyal enough" or "we prayed and we feel like God says you're not to go on any outreaches." For just asking the question "why are we having a special group meeting tonight?" I was told "we prayed and we feel that you have a spirit of rebellion and if you ask or question anything any further we may have to send you home..." I was told that I could not watch an "R" movie at a movie theater even though several of the other students did...and yes, the leaders knew full well about it.
The lack of knowledge and thinking is another story. Almost none of those people ever questioned the things they were taught. They always assume it's true and in matters of contradictory teachers and teachings, they'd just believe and follow whatever everyone's emotions were feeling. I remember "holy spirit week" where they tried to get everyone "baptised in the holy spirit." I went along with it just to stop people harassing me and asking me "are you still speaking in tongues? you better not stop doing that or you might lose the holy spirit....." I now know that the Divine Spirit is within all of us no matter what our religion is. Very few actually had answers in regards to salvation or "hearing the voice of God." A lot of the "prophesy" in those groups was/is nothing more than lower psychism. Sure, they can be accurate once in a while, but even then it's on a lower level. Just because someone is psychically/spiritually sensitive doesn't mean they know how to exercise it or have a trained mind. It also does not mean that they understand spiritual principles. It only means that they are sensitive to the lower astral levels.
1 person did get sent home for making an amateur sex video of homosexual nature....6 or 7 people were involved but only that one person got sent home. I know 3 or 4 others were sent home simply for smoking a legal nicotine cigarette. A few people got "talks"(slaps on the wrist) about their openly homosexual behaviour in front of everyone. They all went on outreach. For the record, when I was told by the YWAM staff 1 week before I was to leave on outreach that they did not want me on outreach, I asked them if I had done anything wrong. I ask them to clarify their reasons and they did make it clear to me that I had not commited any "sin" or done anything wrong...except for the one time I questioned, but that that was not the reason they were sending me home. They made it clear that they were sending me home because they "prayed to God" and felt that I was "not social enough" and was "an introvert." After having left I of course found out how true all those words about "we all love and care about you very much" and "we do care about you." really were.......
I never heard back from them and when I got home....well.....back to the usual christian insanity at home and my parent's church.
The fact is, in YWAM, and christianity, it's all about the Beautiful People. No, it's not just "one group of bad christians" but rather....almost every group of christians except for a few open minded non-evangelical churches. If you're an extrovert, and popular, then yes, there is plenty of love waiting for you in christianity. If you ask questions and want to understand things and/or desire a real and deep spirituality, or if you're just not popular...well.......you are considered as one of the horrible people and are either going to be abused or kicked out by "holy spirit love filled" christians. it's all about......
the Beautiful People........
If any YWAMer believes that I'm on the wrong path and that they have "The Spiritual Truth" and answers then feel free to send me a message, I'd love to discuss these things with you and discover "truth"(If I indeed have not found it yet).
Not noted in Murray's post are indications he may have been in the initial stages of a psychotic break. Youth With A Mission only has attributed his being tossed out due to "health issues"; a CNN article notes (in discussions with co-workers of his) that he may have been in a fullblown psychotic breakdown:
Matthew Murray was kicked out of a missionary training program five years ago for strange behavior, and talked about hearing voices, according to a man who served at the center with him.
Murray was the gunman who killed two people at the Youth With A Mission center on Sunday and two others at a Colorado Springs megachurch later that day, police said. He was shot by a church security guard and died of his wounds.
Richard Werner, 34, said Monday he was a worker at the center in Arvada, Colorado, in 2002, the same time as Murray.
He said Murray was told in December 2002 he would not be allowed to join a mission trip to Bosnia. That was five days after Murray performed a pair of dark rock songs at a concert at the mission that made fellow workers "pretty scared," according to Werner.
The performance -- which included a song by rock band Linkin Park and another that had been recorded by controversial rocker Marilyn Manson -- followed months of strange behavior, Werner said.
Werner, of Balneario Camborius, Brazil, said he had a bunk near Murray's and that Murray would roll around in bed and make noises.
"He would say, 'Don't worry, I'm just talking to the voices,' " Werner said. "He'd say, 'Don't worry, Richard. You're a nice guy. The voices like you.' "
Werner said he instantly suspected Murray when he heard the news of Sunday's shootings.
"I turned to my wife and I said, 'I know who did it. It's Matthew,' " he said. "It was so obvious.
"For four months, he was sleeping right next to me. Those are the things you don't imagine, but when it happened it was so obvious."
Whether Murray was presenting with the initial signs of serious mental illness (psychotic depression or schizophrenia), was suffering a bona fide psychotic mental breakdown, or both...we will probably never know for certain. YWAM involvement, and coercion of the level that occurs in YWAM, has been known to cause psychotic breaks even in apparently otherwise mentally healthy individuals; perhaps they had a pre-existing tendency to mental illness or perhaps it was a particularly severe psychiatric injury. (This is presently something of debate even in psychiatric circles--whether sufficient psychiatric injury can cause psychotic breaks. There is some indication that the answer to this is "yes".)
At any rate, he was kicked out of YWAM; in the last few weeks of his life, he sent multiple rage-filled letters to the Arvada YWAM post headquarters.
As I'll note in the final installment tomorrow, it appears Murray never received formal therapy or exit counseling--despite the urgings of people on multiple walkaway forums; sadly, severe trust issues common across walkaways and especially throwaways/castaways may have been responsible.