I wrote This three months ago. I am currently In Baghdad. It was posted on Vetvoice.com first under the name War-junkie
I use to scowl at the evil Bloggers who were the scourge of the op sec world. Now I am afraid that my words won't be typed Loud enough. I am sure I will just rant endlessly. The truth is that I am damaged and I don't know how else to express my disdain, anger and my conflicting thoughts of the life I lead.
I am a soldier and I am about to deploy for my 5th combat tour. I have Been to both Afghanistan and Iraq Numerous times each. Each time I go I have cheated death in some way. I have walked away "limping and bleeding" but have always walked away. I wonder how many times I can roll the dice before I crap out? How many times do I have to go fight a war I don't believe in before I've "done my part"?
Who the hell am I Fighting for anyway? Nobody cares I'm there. I'm not named Britney Spears or Lindsey lohan. So who then? Not my government. They could care less. My chain of command? I think not. They truly believe that loyalty is a byproduct of abuse. I have never done so much in my life for others and been crapped on so much by the people I work so hard for.
After this last Afghanistan deployment I have noticed some other wonderfully exciting changes in my life (please note the sarcasm). I can't seem to find the reason to sleep, do dishes, wash my clothes, or eat right. I binge eat like I am going to win a prize at the bottom of the ice cream container. I wake my very understanding wife up in the night trying to crawl up to my imaginary cover and concealment. "Now..... this is not every night and is usually no where near this dramatic, but I do have some very bad nights".
In the army they call this Post combat stress. Later after I leave the army they will call it Post traumatic stress disorder. But the thing is before they can call it that I have to be in the states for a year. That never happens! I dwell for six months and then go at it again.
Slowly I feel like I'm losing my mind. It makes me feel weak. Non commissioned officers should not have these problems. We are the "Backbone of the Army".
The army told us to confidentially talk to a counselor. This is impossible because you have to tell the chain of command where you are and what your doing. You can not just say "hey I'll be gone for about two hours see ya". So they now look at me as if they were going to catch this disease from my brain. They avoid me. But on the flip side I can say what ever comes to mind and they just blame it on that. How many times do you wish you could just yell out bullshit when you boss says something that is just Asinine?
I wonder How much of this will be to much? How long can I hold on to my sanity? How long will the people I wish only to protect let the government "for the people" "by the people" use me as a political tool to get to elected while stepping on the bodies of my dead friends? How many times can I roll these dice? ............ I hope, one.......more........time