My grandmother is still with us but I fear that her time of independence is drawing to a close. Grandma's health is fragile. Her appetite is withering, my mother describes her as being fatigued, her eyesight is failing and for the very first time my mother has admitted her mind is starting to wander a bit. We both think she might be a little depressed. While I won't be home for Christmas, I plan to go in a few weeks. Her brothers and sisters are all long gone, many of her friends are gone.
She was born in 1921, the youngest and named after a sister who died in infancy of either the flu or pneumonia. The baby was sick one day and gone two days later. She died at home.
Her family was working class poor before the depression and while the depression was tough, few middle class people even existed to whom comparisons could be made. Her mother had a big garden and acted as the neighborhood mid-wife. Her father had a part time job on and off with the railroad. He had one of those flatbed trucks and he could fix things. They didn't starve. One a year at Christmas a big package would arrive from Scotland. Her father was the son of a comparatively wealthy but cruel man and he ran away several times before getting on a boat to Canada where he met my great grandmother. Grandma grew up with a big German shepherd named Dawn. They used to dress dawn up in baby clothes and in the winter they took Dawn sledding and skating. Dawn walked them to school. Once when grandma was going out to play tagging along with reluctant big brothers and sisters down the street, Dawn stopped them barking furiously forcing them back. It turned out there was a small sinkhole in the street and later that day somebody got injured falling in it. Later when her sister got married and had a baby, Dawn guarded the carriage ferociously when they visited and once would not let a family friend near the carriage. Nobody ever figured out why but the family friend stopped coming. Her parents weren't sentimental about animals but when Dawn finally died of old age, blind and arthritic, her mother cried with my grandmother.
Grandma moved to the big city from a small town to stay with her sister and got a job as a waitress. Grandma did not finish high school, that was for wealthy people. She met a man who was older, charming and looked like Tyrone Power. C, was also the youngest son. Despite the rough times, he sold farm equipment and did pretty well at it. He also gambled and played pool. C, could do no wrong in his family's eyes and the family always thought C married beneath him. C, had an older brother named H who was always kind to my grandmother. H went on to be an MD and a city coroner. C, was not a good husband and father. He once took my mother to a poll hall when she was a baby and almost forgot her there. My grandmother had to steal money from him to buy groceries. C always wore nice suits. C had a heart condition that made him ineligible for service when WWW II broke out. My grandmother had two difficult pregnancies and had both babies in the hospital. Her family was horrified. People did not have babies in the hospital unless somebody was expected to die. It was one of the few things her father in law, who despised her ever paid for.
C, went on a fishing trip. He came back and got ill. A doctor visited and it was not clear whether it he had pneumonia that weakened his heart or he couldn't breath but he died rather quickly. Grandmother found herself a single mother during WW II. She and her mother both got jobs in "war work", although the movies made it seem glamorous and liberating for women, grandma doesn't remember it that way. She lived in a rented house owned by her father in law who rented apartments and houses to poor people. The house was in terrible repair. He paid a little bit of money to neighbors to spy on her. Young single mothers were considered potentially morally suspect in the 1940's. Once her father came over to repair the house and left his work boots on the porch intending to come back and complete the job the next day. A neighbor reported the work boots to her father in law who called children's services who made a prompt home visit on the suspicion that grandma was entertaining strange men and neglecting her young children. Her father came over, explained they were his boots and showed the child services worker the repairs he was doing.
In 1946, she met a man at a dance. His name was Jack. He was a farm boy whose family lost the farm during the depression. They became sharecroppers on land they once owned. The first time he saw the "world" was when he fought in the war. He carried one of his friends off the battle field with his legs blown off to get medical help. His friend lived. Jack wanted to get married and my grandmother did not. He had the mumps as a child and was sterile, he loved my mother and my uncle. Jack had to leave to find work. He went to the Yukon to work in the mines and just left a ring. My grandmother decided to put it on. They got married when he came back.
They lived in a little box sized house built for returning GIs after the war. Jack worked at a steel mill. My grandmother worked on the weekends part time at a dry cleaners working a gigantic press. Later when the kids were teenagers she got a job as a purchaser at Westinghouse.
My mother was the good one. She became a nurse because girls became teachers, nurses, or secretaries. My grandmother says she felt guilty later for not considering university for my mother who had straight A grades. They considered it for my uncle, but he did not want to have to part time and live at home. He once pulled a knife on grandpa Jack during and argument. It was too much of a burden for him. In 1964, he decided to go to the Tokyo Olympics. Instead, he ended up in India, broke and hungry. He got detained for stealing. The Canadian embassy intervened and sent him home on a plane. My grandparents had to pay for the flight home and it was a substantial amount of money.
My uncle and mother got married. My grandparents were scandalized but supportive when my mother left my father because he was mentally ill. None of their friends had children who were separated in 1971. My grandparents bought a cottage up north intending to retire there. One weekend my grandfather went up there to repair the dock. He slipped and drowned and died.
It was 1975 and my grandmother was alone again. She never remarried. She came to stay with us often so my mother could complete an MA. Both of my parents got university degrees as adults. Working class kids did not usually graduate high school and go on to university.
Although we had strained relations when I was a teenager, my grandmother was always a big supporter. I lived with a man she did not approve of. she was nice to him. When I went through difficult times in my mid twenties, she was a big supporter. I moved in with her when I went back to school. Turned out to be a good idea. She got ill, nearly died, had a prolonged hospital stay and then came home totally dependent and exhausted. She had an colostomy and I was the only one allowed to care for it. I verbally assaulted her surgeon and got her into a rehab hospital. I visited her every day and extorted her to do her exercises. I barely recall nursing school because I spent most of my time helping her recover. My mother and I dragged her kicking and screaming back to health. One of the most useful things I ever did as an adult was to help my grandmother regain her independence after nearly dying. She was a breath away from the nursing home and too depressed to fight.
After I moved to the US in 1997, and came back to visit, I told myself my grandmother was probably on borrowed time. I told myself I would be ready for that time when she needed to go to a nursing home or she passed because of fragile health. Since I have left it has been my mother, now 68 who has been her main support as friends slipped away.
When I go home this January, I will be visiting knowing that she will soon be in a nursing home. A good flu or cold will kill her. Turns out I am not ready. Turns out my mother is not ready. My aunt and uncle are convinced my grandmother has a secret cache of money that doesn't exist. When she goes into the nursing home or passes, it will be nasty. My mother, who is not a flighty or impractical woman, is already dreading it.
Years ago when my grandmother was in ICU, and my aunt and uncle came to visit and kicked up a fuss when they found out an advanced directive was made and that we had power of attorney. The nurses called me at home at 0300am not sure what to do. I told them if her care was being interfered with they were to be kicked out. I got my uncle on the phone and told him to behave. Then I did it for my grandmother. This time I will do it for my mother.
When grandmother goes to the nursing home, a part of me will die. But I will always remember her as a fierce but kindly tiger who loved her family and overcame hardship many times. My grandmother did not fight in a war but she is a member of that "greatest generation". To the outside world she was and is an ordinary woman. When I was in university, I took a leadership class and had to write about three of my heroes. She is and was one of them.
My apologies for the length of this diary. It is entirely selfish. I wrote it for me. I am damn lucky at age 44 to even have a grandmother. Your grandparents are treasures despite their flaws. I hope y'all have a chance to honor them this holiday season.
Peace.