WH spokesperson Dana "Longnose" Perino announced today that 12 of the 5 million or so lost emails have been recovered utilizing techniques first outlined on the blogsite Daily Kos. "Graduates of Pat Robertson Technical College have been working hard, and I want to emphasize the word "working," to recover certain emails." The project involved cooperation with several interns from Regent University and one typewriter-certified monkey on loan from the Shakespeare experiment. As expected, the emails seem to exonerate the President and Karl Rove from any wrongdoing. Intoning in a rhythm familiar to many White House observers, Ms Perino concluded, "Ha ha ha ha ha."
Here are some samples from the emails recovered so far:
Bush to Rove: Although I say I "don't use" emails, this one time I wanted to remind you in writing about those laws I mentioned to you and told you to be sure not to break. And don't forget to serve all the people without preference to any one group. Now, I have to get some deciding done.
Rove to Gonzales and Miers: I am only concerned with two things: the pleasure of the president and that all laws be executed fully and faithfully at all times with no possibility of ever being broken.
Miers to staff: I want to remind everyone to be really, really careful not to break the Hatch Act. If you must choose between the Hatch Act and the Presidential Records Act, err on the side of caution with respect to ignoring the PRA but don't be aware of breaking any laws. If you are aware, do not remember being aware.
Miers to Sampson: Do not read before November 2006! In keeping with our practice of always planning one year ahead, I have placed a list of possible US Attorney replacements in your right hand lower drawer. Be sure not to read it or even see it until a year from now.
Gonzales to Sampson: Everything seems to be going great with all the US Attorneys, but it's possible some may fail to continue to perform as well as they seem to have been performing so far. Start a file on this in your lower right hand drawer. Never forget in pursuance of your duties that we represent all of the people, even democrats.
Gonzales to Sampson: In case anything comes up with respect to US Attorneys, there is no need for me to be part of any discussions. For immediate action: do not make any lists of any kind. If you do make a list, put it in your drop file but don't tell me about it.
Sampson to God: 8 US Attorneys, who are all really terrific people, are performing admirably and yet not carrying out the President's program as he has laid it out in very legal fashion. Do you think I should fire them?
Goodling to Sampson: I have been so busy not breaking any laws that it has taken me a while to get back to you re your questions. Even though your questions are reasonable, I have to respectfully decline to answer them on the grounds that any statements made by me could be interpreted by pagans as incriminating me in some of the crimes not being committed around here.
Gonzales to staff: At the staff meeting tomorrow, bring all information relevant the resignation of 8 US Attorneys. Keep said information out of my sight and do not mention a word of this to anyone, especially me.
Miers to Sampson: If we fire the 8 attorneys you have verbally mentioned to me without writing anything down, except for that one list you showed me scribbled on the back of an envelope in your lower right hand drawer, our reasons for doing so may be so pure and legal that people will misunderstand and develop suspicions. Just for fun because everything we are doing is so aboveboard, let's muddy the water so it will be more difficult for suspicious people to prove how legal we are being with everything.
Miers to all staffers: Don't forget the brown bag team building meeting tomorrow with Swami Remembernadananda. He will be speaking on remembering to be aware highlighted with a description of the levels of awareness: 1)awareness of awareness, 2)awareness of forgetfulness, 3)awareness of perjury.
Rove to Gonzales: The President has been pleased for 4 years, but he seemed less than pleased recently. Although he didn't say anything and god knows he didn't write anything (you know he "says" he never uses email), I feel that some changes are needed re his pleasures. Do not inform me concerning any action you take on this. Be sure to follow the Presidential Records Act. Have young Sampson keep a dropfile in his lower right hand drawer. Don't forget to remember to execute all laws faithfully.
Sampson to Gonzales: Here is a list of 8 US Attorneys, all of whom are wonderful people, I compiled, mysteriously enough, with no input from anyone, including me, for the purpose of pleasing the president by asking them to resign. I do remember not being aware of anything you have said to me concerning this enterprise.
Gonzales to US Attorneys: It has come to my attention, through no discernible process, and at the agency of no one, for reasons which are not clear at this time, that the pleasure of the president would be better served by your resigning. Be sure to brief your replacement fully as to any ongoing investigations, with respect to which we have no interest, or even awareness, regardless of how much damage they may inflict on the Republican Party. While you are all wonderful people, and have performed admirably, your performance has failed to meet certain standards which have mainly to do with the pleasure of the president, but also something about immigration and capital punishment. We will be glad to explain our reasons more fully to you if there is a Congressional investigation.
Investigations continue. Some redacted portions of released documents are being recovered by members of dKos. So far the recovered redacted portions have shown the White House to be so legally compliant and devoted to the welfare of the nation as a whole, that Kosssacks theorize the White House is trying to avoid the appearance of showing off.