Are you a survivor, too?

My university's graduation is going on literally at this hour. I'm sitting in my apartment room instead of attending. My roommates' families are there with them.

So why?

My mother refused to come up from home and doesn't want my siblings up here with me either.

My dad died at 50 of a stroke my freshman year in college: it was losing both parents for me. My mom was an abusive parent my entire life, mentally and physically. My dad protected me as much as he could but worked for the majority of the time so was limited in what he could do.

After he died, my relationship with my mom plummeted. She had no need to hide anything anymore. She accused me of dad's death, being lazy and irresponsible, anything and everything. She lashed into me so horribly one night my younger brother, who normally stays neutral out of it, got involved in my behalf and protected me. To sit there crying on the couch, hugged and consoled by my 14 year old brother, as my mom wailed her eyes out in her room cursing me was probably the most horrible experience of my life.

Within two years, she had banned me from coming back home again unless I followed strict guidelines which she set down (IE 48 hours of warning for a less than 24 hour visit of my siblings). I spent my junior-year summer living with my friend in another city as I had no housing options otherwise.

Now she decided that, despite promising to attend my graduation, she didn't want to come up nor did my siblings. I found out after I talked to my brother on the phone and asked if he was coming up still; he got quiet, and then said she wasn't coming up and hadn't told me at all.

So here I sit, tears welling: its hard to tell if its from the survivor's pride of knowing that I am strong enough to undergo this when not a single one of my friends could, or from the frustration of not seeing my siblings at one of the more momentous parts of my life. I know both emotions are there, I can't tell which one is winning out, though.

This isn't a suicidal message or seeking-attention one. Just one of quiet fortitude, asking for similar stories so I don't feel as alone today.

•  Well If You Would Like A Couple Suggestions

  I will give them to you, but since you didn't ask, I don't want to give them unsolicited.

  Sorry to hear this BTW. This should be a happy, not a sad day for you.

  by webranding on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:18:41 PM PDT

  •  sure

    I'm seeing a psychiatrist still, but need to find a job with employment benefits to keep it up with a more than thrice-a year frequency.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:20:21 PM PDT

    •  Again, Very Sorry to Hear This

      You shouldn't have had to go through this. To lose one parents and then to have the other treat you this way. But you are "out." You have your degree. You should be proud of yourself. You should hold your head up high. And as your other family members get out of the house you'll be able to see them when you want with no restrictions.

      I don't mean this to sound in the least the wrong way, but life is hard. Having to overcome things like this will only make you stronger. But you've got to have what I call PMA (Positive Mental Attitude). You can't get down on yourself. Think of what you've done and overcome. Don't dwell on things you can't change, and you can't change your mother!

      And congrats on the college degree. You should be VERY proud of yourself!

      by webranding on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:24:28 PM PDT

      •  thanks

        I was on the city bus the other day coming back from searching on the hill (I live in DC and am looking for a congressional office job) and got into a conversation with an elderly man. He told me congratulations as well, and talked about how his son was going to college too on the other side of the city for engineering. I just was so goddamn frustrating that a stranger on a bus was more interested in my life than my mother is.

        by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:35:50 PM PDT

        •  You Are More Then Welcome

          I was just looking at your profile and saw you were DC based. I lived for about 12 years on Capital Hill, 3rd Street NE (didn't work in politics). I assume you already know this, but close to impossible to get a job there unless you have solid connections with one of your elected pols in your district. But there is also some pretty important elections coming up so I know there will be a lot of campaigns looking for smart hardworking people.

          by webranding on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:40:43 PM PDT

        •  waitwaitwait...

          you're dc based? come on over to arlington and we can commisserate!

          by jmonch on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:42:20 PM PDT

        •  You can take *solace* in the fact that he

          was more interested in you than your mother. It says so many wonderful things about our world.

          It says you can be a wonderful parent.

          It says you can find substitute parents, positive older people who take an interest in your life, and help you out, invite you to family gatherings. (Highly rec that you pursue that, not like a headhunter, but just take advantage of such opportunities as they arise. You'll cherish those relationships.)

          It says that most people in the world have their heads and hearts screwed on right regards parenting, though some good number like your mother do not.

          All good to know.

          by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:50:56 PM PDT

  •  well webranding

    we did some good again - thanks

    by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:08:14 PM PDT

•  Take heart

  I read a story similar to yours in a high school graduation application for a college scholarship.  The ability of that student to rise above adversity and keep his "eye on the prize" was what we used to decide on the award.  I wish him the best of luck in University next year.

  Many very successful people have pulled themselves out of the toilet of a bad childhood and abusive parents/parent/fosters and gone on to be outstanding human beings.  You will survive and you have lots of dKos friends pulling for you.

  by captainlaser on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:20:28 PM PDT

•  You'll survive...

  When I was around six or seven, I was rather a precocious kid, and was quite outgoing.  We had a rule that you couldn't talk back to your elders.  My middle brother and sister took it upon themselves for the next year and 1/2 or so to make sure that anytime I said anything at home not directed towards my parents was considered talking back to my elders. Imagine a 6-7 year old not able to talk at home.  I tried telling my parents, and they didn't believe me.  I think it was my oldest brother who finally listened.  He made sure that the middle brother and sister stopped it and made sure that my parents understood what happened.  I'm not precocious any more, and I'm not outgoing.  But I got though it, and I'm a servicable adult.

  Families can be really helpful, but sometimes they can be a bitch.  Find a way to keep after it.

  by rjones2818 on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:24:42 PM PDT

  •  Sibling abuse

    can often be the worst. I intervened between my brother and sister as much as I could, but I wasn't always there. Thank God they are grown up and good friends, but it was so horrible while they were young.

    by rhetoricus on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:34:38 PM PDT

    •  I was a victim of sibling abuse, and parental

      refusal to acknowledge that their first born could possibly be so cruel (she was smart enough to never get caught in the act, including putting a dead rat in my crib and torturing me). Then I was ridiculed for being such a dejected wuss. Fortunately, I came into contact with enough excellent teachers and parents of school chums to recognize my own family's  aberration, which gave me hope. Even my own parents used to say: "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." In a way, this gave me the hope I needed, and the ability to let go of the 'need' for approval from my family. I was able to have rewarding relationships with others that filled the need to feel valued and a part of a community. I found nurturing through my friendships and created my own community of family and support.

      cnflght:

      You'll be able to thrive when you are able to let go of wanting your mother to change, and when you can accept that your childhood sucked, but that it doesn't have to gum up the future for you. You are now free to choose the kind of warm, nurturing compatible people with whom to create your own support network. At your age, and especially in DC, a city of transplants eager to make contacts and forge relationships on every level, it should be easy for you to find friends who share your interests via the various interest groups around town (not all political, by any means).

      Good luck with your job search.

      by Halcyon on Sat May 12, 2007 at 03:28:48 PM PDT

•  Your story ...

  ... touched my heart.

  If I were there, I'd give you a big hug and would cheer for you, that you graduated college with such a heavy load of heartache.

  by Nightprowlkitty on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:27:01 PM PDT

•  It sounds as if, someday, not too long ...

  ...from now, your siblings will be free to be with you whenever they like. If they are anything like your younger brother, that freedom is likely to be exercised often. In that you can take joy today, even in your sadness.

  As for your mother, obviously she has her own demons. Maybe someday you'll reconcile, maybe not. But, from my personal experience, don't ever let someone tell you that it's your duty to reconcile with her, that if you don't and she passes on without your having done so, you'll regret it. Nothing could be more bogus.

  Good luck in finding a job. And congratulations on your graduation.

  by Meteor Blades on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:27:44 PM PDT

  •  duty to reconcile

    I don't think I ever will reconcile with her. The last time I talked to her directly was a month ago when she told me that her siberian husky had injured my cat bad enough to either do surgery or die, and, as she had paid for my plane ticket to visit home for spring break, she wasn't going to pay for the surgery because it was just as expensive. She hung up before I got another word in.

    I called several days later to talk to my brother about gettin the dog trained (my sister is seven and i was worried he might go after her) and he said that sampson (my cat) was fine and had a scratch on his head but he had no idea why she went and told me that.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:38:36 PM PDT

    •  Meteor Blades As Usual Is Right

      At least try. A Mother's Day card. A phone call, email, quick note. Try. Take the highroad. That way many, many years from now you know you at least tried. IMHO there will of course be pain if she rejects or tries to hurt you, but in the long term you'll know you at least put forth the effort.

      by webranding on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:45:33 PM PDT

      •  I may be right. But that's not what I urged. ...

        ...I think a disconnect may, in fact, be the proper approach to take right now. Sorry if I was unclear.

        by Meteor Blades on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:49:22 PM PDT

        •  No, You Are 110% Right

          I read in your post what I wanted to read and not what you actually wrote. My bad, my bad! With the situation you mentioned w/ your wife she finally understand what her mother was doing and what she was getting out of it and used it against her.

          by webranding on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:52:55 PM PDT

        •  one of the best observations I've ever heard

          was someone commented that as an adult, you get to choose who you have a relationship with (as a child, you're kind of stuck with the family nature has dished out to you).

          I have very limited contact with my own family of origin these days, and I'm very content with that. I'm happy with the relationships I've chosen and worked through, and getting together with my family only makes me realized how truly #%#^ed up they are, and how disinterested they are in changing any of that.

          I saw a therapist for several years as a form of "remedial mothering." The therapist helped me work out the feelings that I had about how it was my fault my mother didn't love me (it wasn't, it never is). It isn't your fault, either. Good luck in getting over the miserable way you were parented, and best wishes for embarking on the life you want to live.

          by elmo on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:05:02 PM PDT

      •  That's not what he said

        First of all, the tone of what MB said was exactly the opposite of what you said.

        He made the point that if you hadn't reconciled and the person dies, you won't suddenly regret it, as people tell you you will. Decades ago, a friend said to me, "It's easier after they're dead." She meant, in case it's not obvious, they can't abuse you any more, and that's easier. Simple fact. And now I know... she's correct.

        cnflight: Don't try. It's pointless from what you've said. If she ever regrets her behavior, and comes to you, fine. But the incident with the cat makes her sound even more calculating and out of touch with reality. One card isn't going to dial her back in!

        Through life we meet people we need to move on without them, because they're too abusive. Sometimes those people are our parents.

        by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:57:51 PM PDT

    •  Sounds as if she wants to mess with ...

      ...you.

      Nearly 15 years ago, my wife's mother, after 40 years of verbal and emotional abuse told my wife that she didn't want to speak with her again until she "changed her attitude." This was her usual attempt at manipulation that had been going on since forever. So, my wife finally took her up on. Stopped speaking to her. Within weeks she was back on the phone trying to "reconnect." But my wife didn't return phone calls or make contact with her for five years - although she continued to speak with her father frequently. Eventually, she did make contact, but wholly on her terms, and her mother never again was able to manipulate her or mess with her in the way your mom did saying your cat was at death's door and it was your fault because of the cost of a plane ticket.

      Nasty shit. I feel sad for you, but sadder still for your poor sister, who yet has a decade of this crap to live with.

      by Meteor Blades on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:47:49 PM PDT

    •  A practical tip

      A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother. When we were about 30, another friend with therapist training told her, "You need to start calling your mother by her first name." At the time the friend said that in healthy families, this is often possible, only in unhealthy families did the children need to remain eternal children by using "mom" and "dad" their whole lives.

      Regardless of that, my friend did it, and I picked it up, and it is a very interesting thing to do, that does give you some psychic space.

      A young social worker friend of mine told me this from a seminar a few years back: If you want to ask children who're being abused what their parent is doing, ask them using the parent's first name. "Mom" is the idealized mythical person to them, but "Jane" or "Mary" is the person who hits them.

      If you ask your siblings how your mom is doing, call her by her first name. You may hear a different story. Also, it should help them to be able to individuate as people, and to understand that she is causing the abuse, not them.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 02:07:53 PM PDT

    •  Practical tip two

      That therapist also told my friend that if her mother started being abusive on the phone, to
      --tell her what she objected to (the verbal abuse),

      --warn her that she would hang up if the mom didn't change

      --hang up when she didn't change.

      My friend ended up being the only one of 5 siblings that their mother wasn't verbally abusive to on the phone. She said, however, that the first time she hung up was the hardest thing she'd ever done. The warning is important, because otherwise there's no respect.

      Importantly, it sends a message to you that you're willing to stand up for yourself.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 02:13:26 PM PDT

    •  Reconciliation

      Many, many people that I have worked with who had abusive parents walked into my office wanting to learn how to forgive. Wanting to forgive is understandable, as is wanting, at least sometimes, to reconcile.

      But there are many phases that must be addressed before people can get to a point of acceptance of their own lives. You have the right to mourn the nurturing parenting you  were entitled to but didn't receive. You have the right to be angry about unfair treatment that you in no way provoked or deserved.

      I would recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. She really gets it. There are many stories in her book that you will relate to.

      I absolutely believe that anyone who had an abusive childhood is entitled to a spectacular adulthood and that is what I wish for you on your graduation day.

      by bluebrain on Sat May 12, 2007 at 02:21:19 PM PDT

•  Man...

  I'm incredibly sorry to hear this.

  If you're graduating, it means you've worked diligently, and  accomplished something of tremendous importance. Take heart in that, and enjoy it to its fullest. It is a self-validating act; it doesn't require anyone else's approval or congratulations (though I offer mine anyway).

  No one can take it away from you.

  by Autarkh on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:27:50 PM PDT

•  With Me...

  ...it was my father. You see, I was the oldest, and my birth
  upset his plans to finish school. Being a father cut into
  his personal time, and he subconciously blamed me.

  Being immmature and selfish, my father would vent his
  frustrations on me whenever I was punished, and he
  became more violent in punishing me as I got older.
  He expected me to take it, and when I resisted, and
  kept resisting, he stopped physically abusing me, but
  resorted to psychological abuse. He became distant to my mother, brother and sister, and finally walked out on us
  the summer after I had graduated from engineering school.

  He has since managed to alienate every member of the family,
  including two fine grandsons who have never met him. Every
  time any sort of reconcilliation might have occurred, he
  has done something that soured it.

  We haven't spoken to each other in about 20 years...

  by JeffW on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:28:53 PM PDT

  •  Was alcohol involved?

    I am so sorry. That is tragic.

    My little sister's surprise arrival stunted my mom's PhD, and I know it affected her parenting. We always thank Mom for her "sacrifice" in bringing our little sister into the world, because she is such an amazing being. Thank God Mom has come around to seeing it as one of her best choices.

    So was bringing you into the world. I'm sorry your dad has had so much trouble counting his blessings.

    by rhetoricus on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:38:28 PM PDT

    •  No...

      ...I've always thought it was a personality disorder.

      I recently got to meet a cousin who is roughly in-between
      my father and myself in age. From what he's told me, I
      confirmed that suspicion about my father.

      by JeffW on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:18:08 PM PDT

      •  Of course..

        I can't believe I didn't think of it. It actually sounds a bit more severe than a personality disorder.. more like a straight-up mental disorder like bipolar. In any event, I am so sorry.

        by rhetoricus on Sat May 12, 2007 at 03:26:22 PM PDT

        •  Well...

          ...it's pointless for me to analyze it too much,
          as I'd be giving him "rent-free" space in my head.

          He is his 3rd wife's problem, although my sister
          still talks to him from time to time. I've gotta
          give her bonus points for guts!

          by JeffW on Sat May 12, 2007 at 03:36:25 PM PDT

  •  me too

    I'm the oldest.

    My mom told me once, after dad died of course, that I was a 'mistake'. And, counting back from my birthday to their wedding, it was a shotgun wedding.

    Maybe thats why she doesn't like me so much, but, on the other hand, I can't imagine what she would have done with her life if she had been unattached.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:40:11 PM PDT

    •  Sorry to hear that...

      ...my mother wanted me. My father didn't.

      by JeffW on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:13:58 PM PDT

    •  I know people who are deliriously in love with

      their children who were accidents. Same for step-parents, who came into kids' lives way after they were born, and are glad of the privilege.

      That's not an excuse for being a jerk to your child.

      I have a friend whose mom beat him every day of his life until he was in high school football, and started laughing at her when she hit him. She then picked up a 2x4 and started beating him with it. He kept laughing. She quit hitting him. There are way too many parents who're like that. It was NOT what he did that caused her to hit. It was her (mental illness, personality, whatever) that caused her to hit. It wasn't the child's fault.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:43:15 PM PDT

•  congrats on your graduation

  ..let me be one to say it!

  It sounds like your siblings are still at home and under your mom's control--yes? This will change when they move out. Be patient.. trust me, I know.

  I know this sounds harsh, but please consider severing your relationship with your mother completely, and let her know you are doing so until she can consistently treat you with respect and kindness (if that time ever comes). Don't go through her to connect with your siblings. Seek other older female figures who can support you.

  You deserve nothing less than kindness and respect. Do NOT put up with anything less, do not accept less into your life. Better to have NO relationship with someone than an abusive one.

  One more thing--please get counseling to deal with the pain of abuse and the grief at losing two loving parents (the fact that your mom never really was is also a loss with great grief).

  And please don't miss one more important event in your life because of your mom's behavior. She has failed you, but you deserve to celebrate yourself and to find the people who can give you the love you deserve.

  As many queer people like me discover, one's true family sometimes is not blood-related.

  by rhetoricus on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:29:15 PM PDT

  •  haha

    Yeah, I know about the true family not being blood related. I've surrounded myself with friends up here who are my family as much as can be.

    I am in counseling, and have been, since my father's death. It's helped immensely but the wounds never fully heal. If I had learned the extent of her abuse to me than I would've been more proactive years ago.

    Its funny, you never think its abnormal as a child. The bruises you get you deserve, the yelling is because of something you did wrong- even though you can't imagine what it was.

    The shame when I learned prevented me from seeking out professional help until freshman year of college.

    I shan't miss another, I promise. If I went to this one, with everyone else's family there, I would be bawling the entire ceremony at the clawing feeling of loss inside.

    I have loving friends and I know I am luckier than most.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:44:14 PM PDT

•  Congratulations on Your Graduation!

  You are indeed a survivor & I'm sure have become a much stronger person in the process.  

  Try to keep in mind that just because people are able to have children, that doesn't make them parents.  

  Best wishes for your continued success in life.  

  by kurious on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:33:42 PM PDT

•  ....

  it gets old, i'm afraid, being strong.  "i'm tired of surviving and i'm tired of having to always be strong."

  but you have achieved, when you had everything working against you.  it's better that she isn't attending, because she will take your success as a personal affront (i'm reminded of my father's fury when he found out i was going to college) and, were she there, would  give you one more thing to be strong about.  your siblings will be there in spirit.

  so, for today, don't be strong.  but what you should indulge is to drape yourself in pride at your success.  with much of your world opposed, you have something that belongs to only you: your education.  you did it and you don't have to share your day with someone who would do everything she could to ruin it.

  by jmonch on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:33:51 PM PDT

•  You have my deep sympathies and hopes for a

  better day. My mother was emotionally abusive (and physically a few times with my brothers), but it was only as an adult and a parent that I realized she had been emotionally neglected by her parents. Her father, in turn, shared very little about his childhood with my mother, except to say that his father had divorced his second wife (my grandfather's stepmother) because "she didn't treat the children right." These chains can go a long way back.

  You can live a good life, though, and form deep and satisfying relationships despite your mother's treatment. When my daughter's high school orchestra played the Egmont overture at a time that I had broken some of those chains myself, it was a deeply victorious moment. Blessings and peace to you today and always ---

  by Wee Mama on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:35:39 PM PDT

  •  I can't wait

    Until I can be a dad. I mean, I can, as I don't have a girlfriend and am only 21, but in the metaphorical sense. I know I'll be as good a father as my dad was even moreso because I understand why it's so important now.

    And, the thing about marrying your mom, I know won't come true. I've had an abusive relationship or two with girls before I realized what I was doing and now only date sweet, kind and understanding girls. Which is probably why I'm single right now.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:47:32 PM PDT

    •  ah - don't think that will be very long

      you know there are so many diaries here filled with pain - the pain of war, the pain of a nation struggling to get a hold of itself and survive some very abusive parents and yet I see so many people, people I really respect, that have rushed to your side. Can I ask you something personal?

      Doesn't that feel just a little bit good?

      by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:01:27 PM PDT

      •  yes

        It raises my faith in humanity that much more.

        by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:03:43 PM PDT

        •  now I am going to go out and shop!

          by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:06:18 PM PDT

    •  This is key. Look to the future.

      While I didn't do a perfect job, one of the greatest triumphs of my life has been that I am the one that broke the chain.  I pretty much single-handedly raised two wonderful young women.  One is a Mom already, and her son is doing great.  The other is due in June, and I'm pretty sure that baby will also be well loved and nurtured.

      I have spent 35 years working as a nurse, and have done a lot of good for others along the way.  I think my experiences led me to grow a tender, loving, empathic heart, and a great consciousness of "do unto others."

      How did I do it?  Probably a combo of resilience, smarts, determination, and insight gained from long term therapy with two pretty remarkable women.

      It is still painful at times, even in my 50s, to watch others around me interact with their loving and supportive families.  But... I have grieved what I missed, come to terms with it, and made the best possible life I could.  Please find a good therapist, and work at being the best possible person, husband, father, etc. that you can.  Then you can look back and feel that, in spite of it all, you triumphed as well.

      by cnmbfa on Sat May 12, 2007 at 04:00:43 PM PDT

•  Yes of emotional Trauma

  Please Please listen:

  In the span of a few years:

  I lost my Mom to Luckemia - rarest form she had no chance

  Then 3 months later my dad had a stroke and I moved him to LA to live with me. Then a second then a third stroke. newly married and full mtime caregiver - and it felt like no one gave a shit about me - but I was so busy taking care of everyone else i didn't notice.

  4th stroke landed him in a nursing home against my wishes. 6 months later he was dead. He died of ABUSE.

  One year later (that was 14 months ago exactly) I was hit by someone going 80 miles per hour, I was going 3. Head on collision. NO ONE THOUGHT I WOULD LIVE.

  Personally, I didn't care one way or the other as i was soo soo soo tired. but I did,

  And slowly ever so slowly my smile returned and my heart opended up again - in fact it was only this past week.

  And then I looked around and saw as if for the first time the handful of people who never gave up on me. And then I learned what love is.

  They are there for you. You may not be able to see them or know who they are - but they are there.

  Been there, I know.

  by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:38:58 PM PDT

  •  Notimportant, a HUG for you!

    Your courage is incredible......and I greatly admire your will to overcome such horrible events.

    Keep smiling! I wish you many good things and happiness for the years ahead.

    by Ekaterin on Sat May 12, 2007 at 06:57:53 PM PDT

•  Look how your light is already shining through

  and how many people you have already touched. Now all and I mean all you need to ponder is taking a very small part of what you have just received and sharing it. It comes back 1000 times.

  please give you a hug from me on your graduation.

  by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:50:46 PM PDT

  •  :)

    I'll make sure to do the hugging in the corner thing popular in middle school so it looks to anyonone behind me that I'm making out with someone.

    If they ask, I'll say, "it's not important."

    Hehehe.

    by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:00:43 PM PDT

    •  Yo I still do that

      when I'm not talking outloud to myself

      by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:02:19 PM PDT

•  Not like yours but....

  my mother has been an interesting parent....

  for instance:

  1.  She has never told any of her kids "I love you"

  2.  She often reminds me of how much trouble I was

  3.  She tells me how she gave up a career to raise me

  (although I later found out that that career was only 3 years long)

  OTOH

  She started a school for me, because I was smart but learning disabled, and there were no schools for such children when I was a kid.

  so...

  complicated

  She reminds me of the Mary Tyler Moore character in the film Ordinary People

  Sorry to hear about your problems, I hope you can come to some resolution, whether or not it involves reconciliation.

  by plf515 on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:55:39 PM PDT

  •  love your sig

    by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 12:56:49 PM PDT

    •  Thank you

      I change every so often

      by plf515 on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:02:07 PM PDT

      •  welcome

        by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:03:40 PM PDT

•  Thank you for all your kind words

  One of my roommates is back, with his family. We're going to adjourn on the back porch for a BBQ. Burgers, hotdogs, and grilled shrimp.

  Please feel free to continue to comment with the knowledge that you made my day that much better and I shan't be replying or reading this thread until several hours from now.

  by cnflght on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:02:57 PM PDT

  •  actually you made my day

    thanks

    by notimportant on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:04:22 PM PDT

•  I'm speechless...

  My heart goes out to you for what you're going through. I'm sure it isn't easy but try to see life on the positive side. It's good to know you have friends and your siblings for support.

  You seem like a smart young man by already realizing history was starting to repeat itself with both your girlfriends. That was good of you to take notice and change the course how you want your life to be.

  Don't let what your mom say or do affect how you see life or how it should be. I'm sure your siblings would have been there to support you for your graduation if they could.

  You have a world ahead of you. Keep on believing things will get better and stay strong.

  Peace.

  by Pitias on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:20:07 PM PDT

•  Not anywhere as bad as what you describe,

  but yes, my mom has been emotionally abusive to me, to the point where I am no longer speaking to her because anything I say or do gets twisted around as being wrong.  She treats me like the pariah of the family because I'm the only one of my generation of the family who did not procreate.  
   Strangely, most of the really abusive behavior did not start until after I graduated from college.  I was the youngest, and my mom went through a severe "empty nest syndrome" after I left home.  Her abuse seems to be a type of punishment for my having become a self-sufficient adult (Ie. she has no one to "mother".)  
   When I was in my late 20s I did some reading about bad relationships.  After looking back at some of the things my mom did when I was growing up and even later, I realized that for a long time she'd been trying to manipulate my life, putting me down in subtle ways and trying to keep me from succeeding, in order to make her feel better about herself because she had low self esteem.
   Tomorrow I will not be celebrating "Mother's Day" with my biological mother.  Yes, I feel guilty about it, but the only way I can "deal" with a mother who was emotionally absent and/or emotionally abusive is to pretend I have no feelings for her.
   I wish you all the best of success out in the world.  And I hope that some day you and your siblings can move on to better times.
   

  by FoundingFatherDAR on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:22:44 PM PDT

•  congrats on graduating!

  I'm so sorry about what you've been through. But you don't have to accept that treatment anymore.  Now you can create your life as you want. Go for it! :)

  by virgomusic on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:30:09 PM PDT

•  You have to get to the point

  that you just don't care what that person does. I know it's not simple.

  Mine was more subtle, but very bad, one parent only, but that casts a pall in the house.

  Again, it's not simple, but I'm here to tell you it's possible. Been there, done that. It's truly possible to get to the point where they say the nastiest thing possible, and you think to yourself, "Huh. Nice try, no effect." I mean, zero effect. Once after I'd gotten to that point, the person tried over and over... just no effect. "Well, I know you, you're the type of person who would be angry about this." I literally said, "That's in the past, I'm not that person any more."

  Here's another thing, and you deserve to hear this right now. People in our culture have a mistaken belief that moms are perfect, that they don't abuse. They do, they surely do. For starters, moms kill 500 children age 5 and under in our society. Surprised? Yeah, it's not so much played up in the news. Dads going berserk, more so.

  I think it's rough if it's your mom, because you feel like if you complain, no one will believe you. And/or that you're breaking some code of understanding in your society.

  Some reading, online, library, used book store:
  Anything by Patricia Evans, here:
  http://www.verbalabuse.com/...

  Ck this quote from Patricia about her newest book,

  "The Verbally Abusive Man":
  This, "The v.a. man, Can He Change" is my latest book. It is hot off the press.

  p.s. It's about men changing because I have never seen a woman, who is really abusive to her mate, change.
                  —Patricia

  There's some great stuff to read here:
  http://www.drjoecarver.com/
  Print or read online.

  Please note, in case you didn't know it: She's mentally ill. The ONLY person who would do such a thing to their own child is mentally ill.

  If you'd like a longer email about related stuff, written to someone with an abusive mom, drop me an email, it's in the profile.

  You are DEFINITELY not alone. Way more people than will admit it have had abusive mothers.

  by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:38:47 PM PDT

  •  Wish I could give you 20 recs

    .....for posting the Patricia Evans resources. Her books have been instrumental in freeing so many people from abusers.

    cnflight, congratulations on your accomplishment of graduating from college. Nobody can take that from you. And your future belongs to you, and can be defined by you, not by your mother.

    I believe it's easier to survive emotional abuse when we have a good counselor to listen and assist. It may be something you'd like to consider, seeking out a professional to help you put things in perspective.

    Congratulations and best wishes for your future! What are your plans......and what's your field of interest?

    by Ekaterin on Sat May 12, 2007 at 03:32:39 PM PDT

  •  Oops, that was 500 children

    under 5 killed yearly by their mothers in our country.

    As are 500 children under 5 killed by their fathers. We got problems, here in River City, that don't get talked about in the aggregate. People just wring their hands over each new case, as though it dropped from the sky.

    by AllisonInSeattle on Sat May 12, 2007 at 09:41:36 PM PDT

•  I fully understand your feelings

  and I'm honestly sorry that you're hurting.  I don't normally share this part of my life, but since you've been so honest and are hurting, I'll share a bit here in hopes that it helps you in some way.  I've had starkly similar experiences in my life regarding my own mother.  I grew up an only child and had no one to share the dysfunction with, with the exception of my father, who like your father, worked much of the time.  When he wasn't working, he was drunk.  Numbing himself and distancing himself to my mother's verbal cruelty and emotional abuse.  I was on my own to deal with her physical, mental and emotional abuse.  I had as minimal a relationship with my father as I did with my mother until they divorced, nearly 25 years ago, and he remarried.  After an ugly confrontation about my nearly non-existent relationship with him where I had no choice but to tell him in crystal clarity how things were with my mother while he was working or drunk, which he had no idea about, our relationship began a very slow, but progressive healing.  It seems we survivors are very adept at "keeping secrets."  Today we are probably as close as we'll ever be and I can honestly say I love him dearly.

  My mother, on the other hand, while growing older physically is still the cruel, abusive, and classically narcissistic woman she's always been.  I live half way across the country from her and the distance helps.  All these years later, I still only go "back home" for funerals and even then, we stay at a hotel and rent a car as I refuse to give my mother any reason at all to be "under her thumb."  I've drawn hard and fast boundaries for her which she rails against like a 5-year old even now in her later years.  She knows little to nothing about my life or the lives of my children (her grandchildren) who are now adults.  All she knows about us are the superficial details of our lives.  Anything personal just adds to her arsenal of emotional ammunition she'll surely use against you at some point later down the road to either embarrass or ridicule you with either in front of a family gathering or in private when she feels the need.

  In years gone by she only showed her cruel side to those of us closest to her.  While her own siblings were aware of her meanness, they had no idea the depths of her hurtfulness until these later years.  My mother's behavior has distanced her from most of the people in her life and she still holds no degree of regret or remorse because she honestly believes she has good reason for her behavior - that being that everyone closest to her have consistently disappointed her.  Everything always comes back to her.  Always.  

  Over the years I've learned that whenever I have any contact with her to wear my "emotional body armor," and to never let my guard down, ever.  And anytime something happens to make her bring to my attention what a "less than" daughter I am, I've learned to end the conversation right then and there because with my mother, it's a lose/lose situation as she never "hears" what you try to explain.  She "hears" the bits and pieces that suit her and, normally, it has little to nothing to do with what was actually said; I've quit allowing myself to be drawn into her circular, convoluted logic.  I've also quit trying to explain to others why my mother behaves the way she does when they bring her antics to me for explanation.  When these questions are brought to me, I refer them back to my mother and normally these people have had a taste of her viciousness and steer clear.

  I'm sorry that your Mom has hurt you and I'm sorry that some of your siblings are still under her control.  I know you know this already, but they have little choice lest they feel her wrath.  I've learned to expect nothing from my mother; when one expects nothing, one is rarely disappointed.  It hurts less this way because she never disappoints me.  I wish things were different.  And to those who say, think positive, I say that I do.  Do I believe that it's possible for my mother to change?  Yes.  Do I believe that it's probable that my mother will change?  No.  Am I getting professional help to deal with all this?  Yes and have been for years.

  (Apologies for the length of this comment.  I wanted to leave little to no room for anything to be read into this and to let you know how clearly I understand your feelings.  Please try hard to be well.)

  by Dreaming of Better Days on Sat May 12, 2007 at 01:43:47 PM PDT

•  Stay strong

  try not to let your mother's manipulations affect you -- though it sounds like you are doing as good as possible with that.  You have overcome a lot and accomplished a lot.

  CONGRATULATIONS on your graduation!!!!!!!!!!!  

  I'm rooting you on in spirit!

  by worried dem on Sat May 12, 2007 at 02:20:11 PM PDT