A screenplay by Brian Nowhere and Neil Simon's ghost
Crossposted at nowhereweb.com
Show opens on Archie and Edith at the piano singing the following song:
Those Were the Days.
Boy the way Sinatra crooned
Songs that actually had a tune
Gee our old Seville had room
Those were the days.
And you knew who you were then.
Men could never marry men...
Mister we could use a man like Ronald Reagan again.
Didn't take no crap from France
Garth Brooks taught us how to dance...
We sold Saddam poison gas
Those were the days.
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For the full transcript of the show, click on down below
Scene opens in the Bunker Household Living room. Edith Bunker hurriedly bustles about the dining area, preparing the table for dinner, assisted by her daughter Gloria. Archie Bunker sits in his beloved chair smoking a cigar, while son-in-law Michael Stivic is seated on the couch. Both are watching the Fox News channel.
Michael: Arch, why do we always have to watch your news channel before dinner? Couldn’t we just for once watch something different? Keith Olberman is going to be doing a great expose tonight that I’d really like to watch.
Archie: There’s a simple explanation Meathead. See, every month I get a letter from the cable company. It’s called a bill, maybe you’ve heard of them. At the top if this there bill, is a name. See, that’s who pays the bill. Month after month, the name is the same; Mr. Archie Bunker. I’ll make you a deal. If the bill ever comes and the name at the top says “Meathead”, well then you can pay the bill and you get to choose which news channel we watch.
Michael: why do you always do that Arch? You know I’m going to school and can’t afford to pay the bill. Why do you always have to rub that in my face?
Archie: Oh look! You got me all worked up over here and now I missed what Hannity just said.
Michael: Well, whatever it was, I’m sure it was a lie. Can’t you see that this entire channel is nothing more than a propaganda tool for the Bush administration? There are no facts. It’s all just the opinions of rich white men who are benefiting from Bush’s irresponsible tax cuts.
Archie: Those tax cuts are what keep this economy going you pinko commie liberal.
Michael: Those tax cuts are just forcing America to go deeper and deeper into debt. At the rate our deficit spending is going, it’s your grandchildren who are going to end up paying for it all.
Edith runs into the Living room area:
Edith: Did I just hear someone say grandchildren?
Archie: Nothing to get your panties up in a wad about Edith. The Meathead here was just spouting off again about things he knows nothing about. He thinks that Bush’s tax cuts are going to hurt our future grandchildren. I’ll tell you what’s going to hurt our grandchildren. The fact that their father… is a Meathead.
Edith: Well, I don’t know much about all of that, but that extra money sure came in handy last year, remember Arch? We got that $300.00 heating bill and we were worried we weren’t going to be able to pay it, and next thing you know, we got a check from the IRS for exactly $300.00 just like a miracle.
Michael: But don’t you see Ma? Dick Cheney and his energy industry pals met in secret and instituted the policies that created that $300.00 heating bill. That $300.00 helped pay one bill, but there are millions of poor families who can’t pay their bills at all because government deregulation has allowed the power companies to run wild.
Archie: I’ll tell you what’s running wild. Your mouth, that’s what’s running wild. Dick Cheney is a great American who served his country proudly in the Gulf war.
Michael: Dick Cheney dodged the draft in Vietnam Arch. He’s been quoted as saying he had better things to do at the time.
Archie: He did have better things to do. He worked for Nixon.
Edith: And we all know how that worked out.
Archie: Edith, would you please zip it! Dick Cheney is a great American. This Meathead wouldn’t know a great American if it came up and bit him in the ass!
Gloria enters living room area
Gloria: What’s everybody yelling about? Daddy, why are you all red and puffy?
Archie: Please tell your commie pinko husband that I’m going to shut his microphone off if he doesn’t cut the crapola!!
Gloria (to Edith): Daddy’s been watching too much Bill O’Rielly again, huh Ma?
Edith: I’m going to get your father a beer. (runs into kitchen)
Michael: Gloria, I was just trying to explain to your father that he’s a victim of Republican propaganda. That just because they say they’re patriotic doesn’t make it so.
Archie: What do you know about patriotism, you Al Qaida loving communist? It’s you commies over dere dat invented dat dere propagandola!.
Edith runs in with Archie’s beer.
Edith: Archieeeee, I gotchyaa beeyeer. (hands Archie his beer, which he takes a sip from)
Gloria: Michael, what time is Lionel arriving for dinner? He better get here soon or his foods gonna be cold.
Archie: Ah jeeeez, Lionel’s coming over to dinner? Now I gotta listen to a bunch of crapola about howz his people there didn’t get to vote for that bum Kerry in the last election.
Doorbell rings.
Michael (getting up to open door): There’s Lionel now. I hope he has some good news about those fiddy-cent tickets. (opens door) Hey Lionel! Howz my nizzle?
Lionel: Hi Mike. Listen man, the fifty-cent show you wanted to go to was all sold out. Seriously man, I don’t know what people dig about that cat.
Michael: Come on in Lionel. Are you shizzle-ittin ,me? Fiddy is da bomb!
( Lionel steps into foyer)
Lionel: Yeah, maybe like five years ago, and Mike, that shizzle my nizzle stuff went out of style ever since Snoop stopped smoking weed. The first time he stopped smoking weed.
Archie: I know what that means Lionel. You’re talking about marijuana. I won’t have any of that in my house. This is a drug free environment. Edith, couldja get me another beer?
Edith: right away Archie. ( runs into kitchen).
Lionel: I’m sorry Mr. Bunker. I didn’t mean any disrespect.
Archie: Well come on in Lionel, we were just getting ready to sit down to supper. We’re having meatloaf. I hope that’s okay, Edith doesn’t keep many collard greens or chitlins around the house.
Lionel (smiling): Oh Iza justa gonna have to be grateful with-a whatever scraps you’d be kindly enough to dig up fo me, won’t I now Mr. Bunker?
Archie (to Michael): You see that Meathead? Why can’t you be that polite? (to Lionel) I always say to people Lionel; you are one of the good ones.
Edith comes in and gives Archie his beer.
Edith (tune-fully): Dinner is almost ready. Just waitin for the ketchup to soak in to the meatloaf a little more. (Runs back into kitchen)
Gloria: I’ll help you Ma! (Follows Edith into kitchen)
Bill O’Rielly (from the TV): In the face of the Katrina disaster, these looters in New Orleans took full advantage of the situation, helping themselves to Boom-boxes, TV’s, and lots and lots of baby back ribs.
Archie: Well Lionel, have a seat, …. Just not in my chair. You know, Ken Griffey Jr. sat in that chair Lionel?
Lionel (looking at T.V): Yeah, you’ve mentioned that a few times Mr. Bunker.
Liberal Guest on the Factor: Bill, what the Hurricane really did was to expose the great racial divide in this country that allowed millions of disenfranchised poor black people fall into the cracks of society.
Michael: Try about a few million times.
Archie (to Michael) and Bill O’Rielly (to Liberal Guest)[simultaneously]: Shut—up---you.
Lionel: So Mr. Bunker. What did you think about all those starving black people at the Superdome? Did you ever think you’d see something like that in America?
Archie: Well Lionel, the way I see it is that if God wants to get rid of a city, he gets rid of it, like he did in the bible with that there Gonorrhea.
Michael: I think you mean Gomorrah, Arch.
Archie: Whatever. My pernt is, New Orleans was an evil city. And every once in a while God looks down on the earth and sees people sinning too much and he decides that’s enough of that. Zappo! Problem solved.
Lionel: But Las Vegas is still standing Mr. Bunker. If New Orleans is Gomorrah, then Vegas is certainly Sodom.
Archie: Saddam? What’s he got to do with Vegas?
Lionel: No Arch…never mind. But in New Orleans, all the real sinners left before the hurricane hit. The only people left during the hurricane were poor people; the waiters, bellboys and the homeless. Are you telling me that God wanted to punish those people?
Edith and Gloria come in from kitchen.
Edith (tunefully): Dinners ready. Come and get it.
Everyone heads over to the dinner table.
Archie: That’s the problem with youze people Lionel, youze always blame somebody else for your problems.
Lionel: I didn’t say black people Archie. I said poor people.
Archie: Well, same difference. My pernt is that the Hurricane hit Missisipi too, but you didn’t see all the looting going on that you saw with all the Negroes down there.
Lionel: Yeah when the white people did it, they called it ‘foraging’.
Gloria: Lionel has a point Daddy. They did call it that in the media.
Michael: And people don’t call us Negroes anymore Archie? That’s whack.
Lionel: US??
Michael: I mean, black people. I’m not tryin to get all up in your grill Lionel, You know what I mean.
Lionel: Mike, you’re a good guy, but you really need to drop all that whigger stuff.
Archie: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa there Lionel. Did you just say what I thought you said?
Edith: I think he said wigger. Lionel, Michael doesn’t wear a wig. He’s obviously going bald, but that’s his real hair.
Lionel: No Mrs. Bunker. I said whigger. That’s what us ‘negroes’ call a white guy who’s trying to act black. It’s been a big problem ever since Eminem hit it big.
Edith: Oh I like M&M’s. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Archie: I know what he means. So it’s ok for youze people to call white people whiggers, but if we so much as slip and use a similar name for youze people, the switchblades come out?
Lionel: Well that was a hurtful word Mr. Bunker. It hurt so much in fact, that we had to adopt it for our own. That way it didn’t hurt so much.
Archie: Well you don’t see me running around calling people ‘honky’ do ya?
Lionel: Well I suppose you could if you wanted to. Cracker would be a better word though. You should try it.
Michael: Archie, the whole point of what we’ve been rappin to you about is that black people in this country have been systematically disenfranchised by da Man. Did you know that in the last two elections that the Republicans set it up so that black people had to wait in long lines, while white people had easy access to voting machines.
Lionel: Some friends of mine in Harlem had to wait about four hours, in the rain, to vote.
Archie: Now that’s just a bunch of sour grapes there Lionel. Nobody disen-french-fried, anybody in that there election. I’ll have you know that we had to wait in a pretty long line over there ourselves to cast our votes there.
Edith:It was a long line, but it moved so fast. They must have had a hundred voting booths there, we got done in about five minutes
Archie: Edith would you please stifle!! It’s all just economics. Them people is used to waitin on line over down there in Harlem. I bet if they had taken all the voting booths and set them up down there at the welfare office, you betch-yer sweet patooty they’d have waited to vote..
Gloria: Daddy!
Lionel: Mr. Bunker, when George Bush won the election, I was really pissed. But I kind of understand now what all you white folks was saying before the election; how Bush is a straight shooter; how he says what he means and means what he says and all that.
Archie:Ya see that Meathead? It’s nice to see someone can admit around here that admit they was wrong about Bush.
Lionel: Yeah Mr. Bunker. You see, usually when it comes to election time, We’re pretty used to the politicians from both parties coming around and making a big show of how much they care about black people. Suddenly, all the politicians remember how to find our neighborhoods. They tell us their going to help bring jobs. Then after the election is over, they’re gone. They’re gone and nothing changes.
But that didn’t happen with George Bush. He doesn’t go to all the bother of trying to pander for all of our votes, trying to make us think he cares. No he makes it real clear that he doesn’t care about black people. He’s a real straight shooter alright.
Gloria: He doesn’t mean it Lionel. Daddy, say you’re sorry.
Lionel (getting up from the table): Mrs. Bunker, thank you for a great meal. Mr. Bunker, I think the republicans are really gonna help black people out pretty soon.
Edith gets up to grab Lionels coat from the coat rack.
Archie: Is that right?
Lionel: Yeah, at the rate the republicans have been getting arrested, pretty soon the jails is gonna be so crowded that they’re gonna have to let some black people out. Some of em might even move into this neighborhood. So long Mr. Bunker.
Michael, Gloria and Edith: Bye Lionel!
Archie: Yeah, see ya there Lionel.
Everybody at the table stares at Archie. Archie looks painfully to the camera.
Arche: Sheeesh, some people are so sensitive:
Fade to black.