Filmgeek83 for Attorney General

President Bush,

Today's regrettable news that our Attorney General has tendered his resignation allows us a moment of reflection. Many here say Alberto Gonzales  made a mockery of his title. They say he was dishonest, flailingly incompetent, and partisan to a fault; that he leaves a black mark on the office that no amount of stain remover will ever erase.  However, it is not likely you will nominate a person much different than his predecessor.  

So, with that in mind, I would like to throw my name into the hat to fill the soon to be vacant Attorney General position.

Now, I know what you are asking yourself.  "Why should I nominate a Kos user?  You's a librul."  Well, I guarantee you, sir, that this is in fact not the case.  I have been deep undercover in this slimepit of godlessness, and, like DiCaprio in The Departed before his brains hit the back of that elevator, I am ready to rejoin my brethren.

"But Filmgeek83," you're asking.  "What makes you think you'd be a good Attorney General?"  I'm glad you asked, Mr. President.  I believe I can answer that question in a few easy points.

My Knowledge of the Law is Both Small and General

I am currently taking Intro to American Law.  It will be the first and most likely only law class I will ever take.  By the time Mr. Gonzales serves his last day in mid-September, I believe my understanding of the law will be as good or better than the Attorney General.  I'm not a legal scholar, and that is why I'm perfect for your administration.

I Have a Terrible Memory

In fact, by the time you read this letter, I won't be able to remember writing it.  You think the Attorney General could stonewall.  Mr. President, I guarantee you that I can make him look positively forthcoming by comparison.  My testimony to Congress will be short, arrogant, and evasive, because I will literally not be able to answer any of their questions.  Have ever seen the movie Memento, Mr. President?  I'd tell you I was like the guy in that flick, but I can't remember seeing it.

My Moral Compass Only Points (R)

If you think you won't be able to fire federal prosecutors for not pursuing Democrats vigorously enough without Mr. Gonzales, I'm here to tell you not to worry.  I don't think the Attorney General went far enough.  I say we need to restaff the entire bureaucracy with Liberty University graduates.  I also believe that my first allegiance should be not with country, but strictly with Party.  As far as I'm concerned, they're one in the same anyway.  Let's those coastal liberal, queer-loving, America-hating pansies fend for themselves.

Finally, I would make an outstanding Attorney General because I have the main quality you look for in all your appointees.  My best qualification is how under-qualified I am.  If a guy who thought that passing the bar was how you won the 400 meter relay could be Attorney General, I'm sure I could do just as good a job.

Signed the next Head of the Justice Department,

Filmgeek83

•  Tips

  I can't wait to start my new job.

  by filmgeek83 on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 01:58:24 PM PDT

•  So which parts of the Constitution...

  are you going to shred and which ones will you merely piss on?

  by blueyedace2 on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:00:17 PM PDT

  •  Are there any parts left to do either to? n/t

    by Pager on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:07:23 PM PDT

•  Brooks on NPR - ATC

  Accuses Gonzales of not getting the best talent that he could to staff the DOJ.  Even though that was the only point that Brooks made, it was significant because:

  Why wouldn't Gonzales want the best of the best, the absolute cream of the judicial crop?

  Let's ask Miss Monica Goodling!  "Miss Goodling, what criteria did you use to screen DOJ applicants?".
  
  Really?  How interesting!

  How many people think she was the only one using that set of criteria?

  by Fabian on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:16:56 PM PDT

  •  BTW - in that case, you are a shoo in.

    But how will you get confirmed - or are you betting on a recess appointment?

    by Fabian on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:17:57 PM PDT

    •  If Gonzales...

      Michael Brown, Samuel Alito, and Donald Rumsfeld all got confirmed, I'm a fucking shoo-in.

      by filmgeek83 on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:20:09 PM PDT

•  Is that law class necessary at all?

  Why not put your time to better use.  Join The Young Republicans or something -  

  by xanthe on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:28:31 PM PDT

  •  or come to think of it -

    as a Film geek - why not just watch The Verdict a  few more times.

    That law class is such a waste of time.

    by xanthe on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 02:33:13 PM PDT

•  Sorry, I've vetted you, and you're disqaulified.

  Having read your reports from Iraq I know that you, 1) actually do have a strong moral compass (nice try!), and, 2) Do, in fact, have a grasp of the major issues of the day.

  We'll have to dig a lot deeper than filmgeek83 to meet the standards of this administration.

  by Pacific John on Mon Aug 27, 2007 at 03:46:30 PM PDT