Note: To fully appreciate this diary, it is recommended that you read it while listening to Weezer’s "Island in the Sun." "Margaritaville" is acceptable in a pinch.
"They’re living in the tropics... They’ve got everything they could possibly want." – Vice President Cheney, on detainees at Guantanamo Bay
After reading this quote from Dick Cheney, I have gained a whole new perspective on American foreign policy.
Let’s call it the Cheney Doctrine: the closer to the Equator one gets, the better things must be. They only seem bad to those of us unfortunate enough to live in places with occasional frost, snowplows, and/or moose.
Aside from the Guantanamo reference above, here are a few cases in point.
• There’s no need for us to interfere in Darfur. The people there can’t really be victims of genocide; it’s more likely that they are sunbathing by the pool.
• Iraq, while not quite tropical, is certainly warm and sunny. Sending America’s young men and women there is like sending them to a Spring Break destination. The only body armor they need is sunscreen, and an "exit strategy" is the last thing on their minds.
• Similarly, it’s clear why many conservatives think it was a mistake to pull out of Vietnam. Think of all the resorts/detention camps we could have opened there!
• The Gulf Coast is pretty far south, too, so Hurricane Katrina must not have been nearly as bad as it appeared to those of us living in northern climes. New Orleans is known to be a place of celebration, relaxation, and drunkenness. And "if you like piña coladas," you shouldn’t complain about "getting caught in the rain."
• Global warming? If people in warm locales "have everything they could possibly want," it’s easy to understand why the government isn’t too concerned about climate change.
By now, you’re probably thinking: "I’m starting to understand. But what about Hugo Chavez? He lives in tropical Venezuela. Surely he’s not as bad as the dangerous communistic dictator that the Bush Administration claims he is? Could it be that our government is lying?" Congratulations, citizen. You’ve just won a one-way trip to sunny Guantanamo Bay!