From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Some reasons why Democrats should cross the aisle---just this one little time---and vote for Mitt today in Michigan:
It'll remind former governor John Engler of the 2000 primary, when Democrats helped sink the candidate he backed (George W. Bush) and blew his chance of snagging a cushy cabinet post. You may even make his lower lip tremble.
Everyone who votes for a Republican in Michigan gets a free sugar beet.
It'll make you feel like immediately driving home and taking a nice, long, hot shower, and won't that feel good.
How can you pass up this once-in-a-lifetime chance to actually experience Mittmentum???
Republican primary = "the works." You = "a wrench."
As soon as you cast your vote, the machine will give you a little spritz of lavender body spray.
You'll drive John "You Kids Get Off My Lawn" Bambenek crazy. Sorry, crazier.
It'll be a great story to tell your grandkids at Christmas time. Every time you tell it you'll laugh so hard that your blood pressure pill will shoot out your nose, making you the centerpiece of a cherished holiday tradition.
John McCain says "my friends" 50% less during a concession speech than he does during a victory speech, so you'll be helping to save our sanity.
The only reason that matters: it'll make you hella-cool.
Good luck. We're all counting on you. Yes, Yoopers...you too.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Note: Today in the C&J cafeteria the baked bean casserole is 50% off on account of we dropped it on the floor. We'll provide a lint brush to remove the cat hair free of charge.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Martin Luther King Day: 6
Days 'til the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing: 205
Number of workers killed in Chinese coal mines last year: 3,786
Number of international entrants in the Olympic coal-mining competition: 0
Percentage of American adults who are dieting, exercising or doing both during any non-holiday period: 65%
Number of pounds that at least 25% of American adults currently on a diet would like to lose: 29
Number of tips Keith Olbermann got in his tip jar yesterday after posting his first-ever diary at Daily Kos: 1,365
Chance that Keith now has "Triple Troll Rating" powers, meaning he can literally vaporize anyone on this site with a click of his mouse: 100%
Bob Geiger Surrogate Osama Clock: It's been 2,312 days since the president declared he would catch the al Qaeda leader "dead or alive." So, Mr. Bush..."Where's Osama?"
Puppy Pic of the Day: A little Macey Day parade
CHEERS to the tears of the clowns. Apparently when the intelligence community---all 16 agencies---issued their report last fall saying Iran had stopped its nuclear weapons program in 2003, it made the vice president and his goons sad because it was "a death blow to their Iran policy." But the biggest loser is Lynne Cheney, because now all Dick wants to do is have "console me" sex. Talk about torture.
JEERS to clearing up the confusion. What exactly BET founder Bob Johnson mean when he said this:
"And to me, as an African-American, I am frankly insulted that the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood---and I won’t say what he was doing, but he said it in the book---when they have been involved."
Was he making a dig at Obama's admitted drug use as a teenager? Or, as Johnson claims, was he talking about the Illinois senator's "time as a community organizer." Hmm. Let's slow the audio down and see if that gives us any clues...
"And to me, as an African-American, I am frankly insulted that the [Sniff Sniff] Obama campaign would [Sniff! Snort! Sniff!] imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood---and I won’t say what he was doing [Sniff Sniff Sniiiiiiiiff!], but he said it in the book [coughcoughdudedidcokecoughcough]---when they have been involved."
Our conclusion: Sounds like somebody needs Dristan. And a spanking.
CHEERS to...Jonah Goldberg??? Yep. In today's must-read, the conservative hack aims his crayons at the other conservative hacks destroying his party. It's a Gooperlicious hackathon:
[T]here's a huge crowd of self-described conservatives standing around the Republican elephant shouting "Do something!" But what they want the poor beast to do is very unclear. And it doesn't take an expert in pachyderm psychology to know that if a big enough mob shouts at an elephant long enough, the most likely result will be a mindless stampede---in this case, either to general election defeat or to disastrously unconservative policies, or both.
With sugar on top, please.
CHEERS to the rumble in Romneyland. Mitt lays it all on the line today in Michigan's open primary, but John McCain may well steal his mojo. Will rambunctious Kossacks cross the aisle and throw the GOP race into further disarray by giving us three winners in three showy state contests? Will the pollsters redeem themselves or fall flat again? Which Fox commentator will Ron Paul's thugs chase down the street this time? And what will Chris Matthews say on the air that will offer further proof that he should be sent to the Happy Pines Home for Out-to-Pasture Pundits? The answer is a loud, resounding...dunno.
JEERS to missed opportunities. You mean thought to have the Democratic candidates play a few hands of Texas Hold 'Em while discussing the issues during tonight's debate in Las Vegas? Can you think of a better test of courage, poker-face diplomacy, strategy and nerve? Instead, they'll sit around a table and yammer yammer yammer. [sigh] Oh well...at least we can still drink. Take a shot every time they say "change," and a swig every time they start a sentence with, "Look..." Bed's gonna be spinnin' tonight.
CHEERS to Act II of the 110th Congress. The Democratic majority returns to Capitol Hill today rested, tanned and ready for another year of ball-bustin', shit-kickin', titty-twistin' whupass. Which George W. Bush will administer---barring some miraculous spinal growth spurt on our team's part---with a big ol' smirk. ("Can we give you more money for Iraq, Papa? Can we, can we, can we???") I'm starting to think the GOP was on to something when they took half the year off for vacation.
JEERS to water water everywhere. Joseph Romm, who oversees climateprogress.org at the Center for American progress, points out that massive ice sheets in Antarctica are melting much faster than anyone expected, and he puts two and two together:
Jeez, it's almost like ... I don't know ... the whole friggin' planet is melting, and we are to blame! If only we had a group of scientists who would, like, report regularly on the impending catastrophe and explain to us how to avoid it.
Well, here's the best the White House has to offer. Not to put too fine a point on it, but...we're doomed.
JEERS to the leader of the free world. While President Bush is overseas checkin' up on his oil, selling missiles to the Saudis by the billion$, and taking part in the most awkward photo-ops since Calvin Coolidge wore an Indian headdress, the rest of the world continues to despise the guy. According to a new Harris Interactive survey---as reported on The McLaughlin Group Sunday---Bush's approval rating is 8 percent in Italy, 7 percent in Britain, 7 percent in Spain, 5 percent in Germany and 3 percent in France. Meanwhile here in the Land of Applebee's and American idol, the latest CBS News/New York Times poll pegs him at a robust 29 percent. But never fear! His handlers say he'll surge to 45 percent before he leaves office. Because there's nothing like an endless war and a new recession to make a guy lovable.
Two Years Ago in C&J: January 15, 2006...
JEERS to Homeland Insecurity. Let's check up on how the brilliantly conceived and executed Real ID Act---an "anti-terror" program that calls for standardized drivers licenses--- is doing, shall we? Oh, heavens, it's doing just great. If by great you mean "pissing everyone off":
State motor vehicle officials who will have to carry out the Real ID Act say its authors grossly underestimated its logistical, technological and financial demands.
"It is just flat out impossible and unrealistic to meet the prescriptive provisions of this law by 2008," said Betty Serian, a deputy secretary of the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.
In fairness, the portion of the law mandating that 3 DMV windows be closed for every one that's open is ahead of schedule. [1/15/08 Update: Two years later...still hopping mad]
And just one more...
CHEERS to the act of which we dare not speak...except in conspicuous surveys commissioned by sex magazines. Playboy---yeah, the one with nudie pics!---is out with a new survey showing that America is the land of many sensual pleasures...and as long as you denounce them in public, it's all groovy, baby. Wonkette parses this new carnal knowledge:
Republican voters are having more sex than their Democratic counterparts, but Democrats are having less sex with more people, and everybody is basically watching pornography day and night, and both the right and left would happily let themselves be sodomized by the new president, in the White House, as long as that president is "attractive" to the kind of people who vote
55% of people who claim to be weekly churchgoers also claim to be "sexually adventurous."
51% of Republicans and 65% of Democrats watch porn all the time with whoever/whatever they have sex with.
Meanwhile the independent atheists sit in their ivory towers and lord over their porn empires. Capitalism is alive and well.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I never know when I'm going to step in a pile of poop. Everybody complains, but Bill in Portland Maine won't get involved."