People often voice support for a Presidential candidate by saying that they seem like a regular guy, like the kind of person you could have a beer with. Of course, for the most part that merely indicates how well the candidate has been able to craft a public persona that creates that impression. In reality, of course, even modestly successful politicians are a remarkable combination of art, artifice, passion and drive that makes them utterly unlike anyone you would get to enjoy having a drink with. Be that as it may. If the current candidates lived on your street what kind of neighbor would they be?
John McCain, the oldest resident on our street. Lived in the same house for a long time. Has a flag pole in the front yard and raises the flag ever day. Has a temper. Chased the paper boy down one day and smacked him in the head with the wet paper that the boy carelessly tossed into a puddle on the front path. His gardener, Juan, likes him though. Very generous tipper apparently. McCain was a war hero, but for Heaven’s sake don’t get him started on that at a neighborhood BBQ. You’ll never talk to another soul all day.
The Clintons. My, my, my, what can you say about that family? They keep us alternately amused and infuriated. Hillary is very big on rolling out the welcome wagon to newly arrived folks on our block. She always turns up within a few days of the moving van having left, knocks on the door and hands over a huge basket of cookies or muffins, sometimes a bottle of wine with cheese and crackers. Just a little thing to welcome the newcomers. But that gift, in her mind, entitles her from then on to ask these new friends for favors from that day on. Call it the gift that keeps on taking. As for Bill, just keep your distance at the Xmas bash if you know what I mean and I think you do. Still they are always fun to have at any kind of party. Just don’t expect them to be on hand when you have to clean up later.
The big house on the corner is the Romney’s place. Mitt is friendly enough. He makes a pretty nice living out of the local grocery store he owns, and he was mayor a few years ago. But he has kept to himself after it got around that he had fired poor Mike Huckabee for taking too much time off for band practice. People felt bad about that. McCain especially doesn’t like him.
The Edwards are a nice family, and they have been through a very tough time. So naturally we all go out of our way to be nice to them. John Edwards is a trial lawyer and that has made people a little wary about having him over. You don’t want to end up in court because he slipped on your kitchen floor, after all. We beefed up our public liability insurance a while back, and that made us feel much better about them. I will say one thing about him though. He is easily the most handsome man in the whole darned town.
Giuliani is a bit odd. He lives a few doors down. Been married a few times, and I am not surprised either. I don’t mind someone installing a tall front fence and a fancy security system, but what’s with the razor wire? His place looks like a prison. A few years back, the house next to the Clintons caught on fire, and Giuliani ran over and started trying to direct the fire crew. The firefighters still talk about that. They don’t like him much, but he still acts like he put the fire out himself.
I have to say that one of the most interesting new families on the street is the Obama family. Very friendly guy, Barack is. Very nice to talk to. He always wants to know about how you are doing. And he speaks so well. Very charming. But there is one thing I have noticed about them. They have a garage door opener. So every evening, they drive in; the door closes, and you don’t see them. There is an automatic watering system; so Barack is never out watering the lawn. And their curtains are usually closed. Very friendly, very nice, clearly very smart, but actually pretty private.
Oh, and Mr. Thompson, God bless him. Lived on the street for many years, but recently moved into a retirement home. I was just thinking the other day that McCain might have thought about that too, but who would raise the flag every morning? I think he’ll just keep on going until he doesn’t.