Since we know there won't be any actual substance in tonight's State of the Union address, we need something to keep it interesting. Accordingly, I present to you the 2008 State of the Union Drinking Game!
The general rules of the game are simple: every time Chimpy utters certain phrases (or variations thereof), you down a certain number of drinks. If you're a lightweight, make it a sip; if you're alcoholic, stick to juice or water; if you can drink most of your friends under the table, that's not really anything to be proud of -- remember, this is in good fun and not at all serious, but you don't want to humiliate yourself in front of your friends by getting drunk and doing something stupid, like applauding Chimpy.
Without further ado, some rules:
Every time Chimpy says "elections," take a drink.
Every time Chimpy says "progress," take a drink.
Every time Chimpy says "God," "Almighty," or "the Lord," take a drink. If he mentions "Jesus Christ," take two.
Every time Chimpy says "Iraq," "Iran," "Pakistan," or "Canada," take a drink. If you're pretty sure he doesn't know the difference between those countries, take two.
Every time Chimpy says "nukular," take a hot drink from the microwave -- "nuked," of course.
Every time Chimpy says "terrorism," "terrorists," "terror," or any mangled variation of same, take a drink. If the context has anything to do with "freedom" or "democracy," tilt your head back and down a pitcher full of water. If the context has anything to do with telecom immunity, throw your phone out the window.
Every time Chimpy mentions "9/11," take nine drinks of one thing, then eleven of another.
Every time Chimpy refers to "border security" or "immigration," take a shot of tequila.
Every time Chimpy says "law," laugh derisively.
Every time Chimpy refers to the economy, open up the lemonade stand you'll soon need to help make ends meet and take a drink.
Every time Chimpy says "Israel" or "Palestine," or if you happen to watch the post-speech propaganda on one of the Faux networks, eat some falafel.
Every time Chimpy introduces a "special guest," take a drink. If the "special guest" is intended to illustrate the virtues of Chimpy's policies, take two drinks. If the "special guest" is clearly outnumbered by several orders of magnitude by similar individuals who have been hurt by Chimpy's policies, take another drink.
Every time Republicans give Chimpy a standing ovation for saying something stupid, take a drink. Every time a Democrat joins in, throw things at your TV screen and make a donation to that person's primary opponent.
Every time Chimpy says "life," drink one of these.
Every time Chimpy says "equality," drink one of these.
Every time Chimpy touts one of his accomplishments as president, drink one of these.
Every time Chimpy cites Joe Lieberman (R-CT) as a hero of bipartisanism, drink one of these.
Every time Chimpy says "Republican," drink one of these.
Every time Chimpy trots out a new policy initiative for the final year of his misadministration, drink one of these.
Every time Dick Cheney is shown on screen, drink one of these.