Super Tuesdays are coming, and despite the camaraderie between candidates last night, it is pretty obvious that things are going to get a tad heated here. I have seen the worst of it, and it seems like the more moderate, reasonable of bloggers are not able to reverse the tide of the fanatics. A Hillary supporter who shows an understanding of the Obama surge beyond the "you drunks his Koolaid", an Obama supporter who can understand the Hillary support beyond "Chick Pick" and an Edward supporter who can remain loyal to their own candidate without painting the other two as those who regularly f%llate corporate interests will be virtually drowned by those who think of the race and candidates like my kid thinks about life. Only my kid is 4 years old.
In the interest of what happened, and what is to come, please permit me this rant. These are my rules. They are just my rules. This is what I shall fantasize about doing to you if you break them. Obviously, the chances of my pulling this off are slim. I am sure many of you have come across a diary that had you fervently wishing the poster got rear end love from a tumescent water buffalo. Such feelings are natural. The following feelings are valid. As long as we keep in mind the ultimate rule.
IT HAPPENS ONLY IN OUR MINDS.
- Any comments that say "Go" before the name of the candidate shall be stoned. Extra big rocks if they also mention '08. No `Go Hillary!!' No `Gobama!' Especially no `GoHillary/GoObama 08.'
- Any poster who says "Wake Up People!" shall be given a full body wax. No efforts will be taken to cool down the wax if they spell it in all caps, and for every exclamation mark they use, they will be forced to repeat the treatment. If they substitute People with America, they will have each hair plucked out with a tweezer.
- Any one dismissing Obama whereby more than one paragraph claims cliches like "he talks a lot about hope but I never hear specifics" will be drowned in a vat of gelatin and then shown the Obama website and instructed to read.
- Anyone who used more than one paragraph to claim they will vote McCain instead of voting Hillary if she wins the nomination will be waterboarded. They will then have their mouth washed out by soap by McCain's mom.
- Any comments about how the supporters of X candidate or Y candidate lost them their precious vote will be asked to shove their vote up their behinds. If you decide your vote on something that superficial, you might as well use it to wipe your behinds. Complaints that supporters of X or Y candidate make them fantasize about not voting for the candidate are perfectly valid, and shall be sympathized with.
- You are no longer allowed to use the same talking points to sell your candidate. These include- the person who is ready from day one, right on day one, 35 years experience, knowledgeable, inspiring, polarizing, divisive, baggage, dynasty. There is nothing you can say about these things that hasn't been said already, and you shall now be compelled to think about your candidate in ways their own campaigns haven't used. Or else, I am going to unleash the power of the "brand personality" and `duality of yetism' on you.
- Any diary that says- my candidate won the debate and thus won the elections/primaries will be sat down in front of a table with their eyes glued open forced to watch Britney Spears' latest hospital jaunt. For 100 hours. If a guy/gal claims the other candidate won (i.e the candidate they do not support), they shall be treated with pleasant surprise and a lobster dinner for breaking conventions.
- Any Edwards supporter who writes more than 3 paragraphs with the conclusion that all current democrat candidates SUCK because his/her favorite has gone shall be given black clothes, a diary and the permission to unleash all their emo. Edwards supporters who state that no candidate has yet won their support on the other hand without demonizing the others, will be treated with understand and respect and harassers shall be farted on.
- Thou shalt never, ever use the word Kool-AID.
- Thou shalt not write rants in diaries that rant about rants or thou shall be struck by lighte
UPDATE: After the second bolt hit, I rose again, animated and decided that some comments offered suggestions that are far too IMPORTANT and that I shockingly missed. Here are the gems that readers offered.
- ANNE COULTER: The writer of any diary that specifically uses an Any anne coulter or NY Post type endorsement to denigrate a democratic candidate will be asked to bent over for Rush Limbaugh.
- Anyone who says "Listen Up!" followed by people, noob, or the like shall be subjected to the Teletubbies theme song until they go deaf and MAD.
- "Get Over It". You can no longer say it. Get over it.
- Grow up. Anyone who uses this will be forced to babysit my son until they understand the wrongness of that statement.