About the author: Imported beer lives in Dallas with her white husband, four year old monst...son, and a pootie and a wuzzle. You have read the smart sassy analysis of female bloggers. Now try an alternative.
After reading serious and substantive analysis and opinion some (too few IMO) kossacks often turn to her whimsical, badly written snarks, and if they are sufficiently drunk even find them highly amusing. Though Beer is a Obama supporter, she pulled out a beating heart from a live man's chest and swore she would never write a candidate diary. (Kali Maa, Shakti de). This is perhaps one of the reasons why you'll never find her on a Recommended Diary List. That and the fact that her diaries are often indicative of a very disturbed mind- and heaven knows you should never encourage such people. She uses her graduate degree and highly intuitive behind to study meaningless patterns and macrotrends that basically amount to nothing. Here are some rave reviews by the sharpest minds in the business.
"Only a post game drunken stupor could have produced this."
"I could totally get behind this!"
"I see Uranus"
"A$$tastic"
Is a high school reunion coming up? Have the years crept up on you? Do you look in the mirror and struggle with self esteem? Do you feel that no matter what you do you are not able to feel good about yourself because...you have failed at your Kos? You can look forward to new found popularity, and be the object of admiration, desire and envy thanks to the Breaking Wind Guide to Diary Writing. My guide is designed to work without
- Time invested in research, analysis or thoughtful commentary. No. For only minutes a day you can write a diary that attracts interest and with some effort even a recommendation.
- Knowledge: In today's fast paced lifestyle, you cannot let knowledge be a barrier to opinion. I will show you how you can use your relative ignorance (we are surrounded by veritible pundits afterall) to score over them.
- Time: While those serious folk spend time thinking through their diary entries, you would have already written a diary a day. It is SO SIMPLE and SO EASY.
The secret to writing diaries derives from four simple models. Here is an introduction to each one of them. Bear in mind that if you read more detailed instructions, they are available in my book "The Idiots Guide - written by one and written for one" available for two easy payments of $9.99. This is merely a guide to ease you into the strategic aspect of the entire endeavor.
- The Candidate diary: Now you might think that this involves either a thoughtful analysis of your favored candidate's positions, or a unique and deeply personal way to relate to your candidate. It doesn't even need to have text as photographs are a great visual tool to show the excitement and diversity of your guy/gals candidacy. Well you can go that route of course, but why would you do that when you have a simple, easy way to achieve a similar effect without the effort?
Of course, it depends on who you are choosing. Barack supporters have it a little easier because at this point in time all you need is a title with the name Obama or Barack on it. You may substitute this for a word that gives people tingles- Hope is good, Change is another. Sometimes just having the word CHANGE as a title might get you into the Rec list- but Daily Kos prevents you from doing so - requiring you to have an entire paragraph or so written (Whatev). So, if you are pressed for time, knowledge, originality or desire- you will have to write a paragraph to speak of why this candidate appeals to you. Start with the title. There are many approaches here- the faux political pundit (WHY BARACK MAKES SENSE!), the mashnote (I HEART BARACK), the adoring - by comparing him to a figure of religious or Historical importance (Why Barack is like JESUS) or you can take the offensive route- WHY YOU SHOULD BELIEVE IN HOPE- YOU CYNICAL IDIOT!
Note that dailykos also requires you to write a paragraph at least. You may try linking these words- Change, inspiration, hope, new voters, excitement, rally, new america, end of partisanship, new, believe, die Hillary, No more dynasties, Iraq war, MLK, JFK, Y2K, and the like. Other things you could do to raise your chances is using a video. You could go with "Yes We can" the video if you are going for an admiring tone. Or you can go for the Super Obama girl video if you are going for a more gushy feel.It is mandatory to end your Barack candidate diary with a sign off with exactly two exclamation points that follow a optimistic message. Yes we can is the current favorite, but GoBama, Believe, and I am TOUCHING MYSELF are acceptable alternatives.
If you are a Hillary supporter- obviously you want this country to suffer terribly and so your candidate diary has no credibility. You may try writing one that is somewhat tentative- couch every nice thing you say about her between oh say 15 compliments given to Obama for a "reasoned" argument. You may also think about a title that alludes to a sense of doubt or hesitance. "Not too sure about Hillary" will make you the belle of the ball.
- The "I have Decided Diary." Often diaries of these nature show how a person came to the decision of supporting one or the other candidate. Occasionally, these are used to assert their choices despite overwhelming odds.
But sometimes these are like popping your cherry in high school and wanting the world to know you finally did it. And sadly, even fewer people are interested this time. Dailykos is a cruel, cruel place where no one cares that you stood steadfast against all those Obama supporters and are still adamant to cast that somewhat symbolic vote for Edwards. No one cares here that inspite of being repeatedly flamed by Hillary bashers, you continue to be loyal to her. No. If you want people to care- there is only one way and you knew this was coming- yes-you must claim you decided on Obama. It is only fair. After all, he owns change and if you changed, there is only one way to go. Or something.
- The negative diary: Some Negative diaries are needed. In the face of real or fake scandals involving Chicago homes and Uranium, a debate is good to gain clarity and understanding of the situation. Alas, for all of us- such scandals are not always an every day occurrence. Let it not stop you from writing a diary. There are only two caveats. One- it has to be about Hillary. You may write about Obama if you wish to, but that will slide faster than grease down a terrapin's back. (Every other metaphor I could think of would have had people screaming racist or sexist). The second caveat is that it has to be relatively recent. Barry, walmart etc are so old news that even Obama supporters don't care anymore.
Thankfully, such things are not difficult to unearth. Observe Hillary's past photographs carefully for cues. For example- a cursory look revealed to me that Hillary was rarely seen petting Buddy the labrador. I googled her and found that she doesn't say anything that is pro dog. Ergo, I give you the title of a potential hit diary,.
WOULD YOU VOTE FOR A WOMAN WHO HATES PUPPIES?
That has recommendation written all over it.
An Obama hit diary has to be something beyond no substance, or rezko to gain some traction from supporters who will mill to your diary in protest. Currently, UHC seems popular, but that is just for today. You need to dig deeper. I found this http://www.youtube.com/...
It is quite obvious that Barack does not have electrifying moves. Here is a potential hit diary.
BARACK'S LACK OF SMOOTH MOVES IS GONNA COST HIM THE A.A VOTE.
Of course it doesn't make any sense. 98.34% of hit diaries do not make any sense. It is a given. Take advantage of it.
- Topical Diaries: Attended a rally today? Did Zogby release a poll? Ann Coulter sang "Wind beneath my Wings" to Hillary?
Do not bother to check if it has already been diaried. Why would you do that? It is exciting that someone is just 1.2 percentage points away from someone else, or it would not have been posted by eighteen people within the hour. Of course Ann really does support Hillary, be sure to remind us how much. And oh yeah, Shriver announced her endorsement of Obama, go ahead. Post it. Remember, human beings are dumb and need to be constantly reminded of what happened approximately every 15 seconds, lest they forget.
This of course is not meant at those smarty pant people who give original analysis of already posted events making their entire post more substantive. They are obviously trying to buck the system. Fie on them.
With these tips, you are well on your way to writing a new diary. And remember, if you used these tips and ended up on those hallowed portals (Rec List) or you chose to be too cool for school be sure to leave a glowing commentary of how I saved your marriage, your life, your honor and your sanity. Or don't...