My fellow progressives:
I’m afraid the Republicans have caught on to us. Brett Winterble, a contributor to Human Events, uncovered the bare bones of our plot to take the reins of power from conservatives. Here’s what he’s uncovered so far:
What we have is the sick and twisted dreams of Pinch Sulzberger, Don Imus, Maureen Dowd, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews come true: the GOP has been forced to choose a nominee designed to cause the base to retch, and thereby not vote. Guaranteeing 4 years of Clinton score settling or Obama socializing entire corporate sectors.
Gee. What in the world is going to happen when he finds out the full extent of our plotting? What if he finds out about the funding from George Soros and the plans that were developed by a cabal of Clinton confidantes? It would be his worst nightmare – a genuine left-wing conspiracy!
You’ll remember when we decided to launch Operation Pinocchio. Every time a member of the Bush administration made a statement that was patently untrue, it would trigger a post-hypnotic response that would cause voters in the primaries to cast their ballots for the Republicans who deviate the most from the party line. (It was the most we could hope for. The GOP field this year has run the entire gamut from middle-aged white guys to older white guys.)
Operation Pinocchio has succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. Advertising and marketing executives will tell you that the average consumer needs exposure to an adverting message 12 times before it becomes internalized. The 900-some-odd fibs, prevarications and outright lies that the administration has indulged in have been a godsend. It’s been almost as helpful as having our agents actually travel through time to trick some of these presidential hopefuls into adopting positions that would later come back to haunt them.
But, in truth, we can’t take credit for the single greatest single factor behind the disarray within the Republican ranks. That would be the insistence on ideological purity – political orthodoxy, if you will.
Ideological orthodoxy always starts with the best of intentions. It starts as a way for the members of a movement to make sure that they are united in their beliefs as they go about pursuing a greater purpose. Too often, however, the orthodoxy becomes a goal unto itself. Movement members no longer judge success by the original goal they sought to accomplish, but by their ability to measure up to standards which may no longer be relevant. It’s a sort of intellectual entropy that sets in when there is no growth.
Such orthodoxy is often the bane of a faith community. It’s why some Christian denominations continue to schedule their worship around the Julian calendar, a document that is demonstrably less accurate than the Gregorian calendar which superseded it. It’s why some in the Roman Catholic rite have never quite gotten over the notion that Galileo was right, and it’s why so many evangelicals have difficulty reconciling the Biblical account of creation with the scientifically accepted theory of evolution.
Much of the conservative agitation centers round taxes. Cutting taxes for people who enjoy favored status is one of two ideas the Bush administration has advanced during its tenure. The other idea is bombing, metaphorically or literally, groups of people you don’t agree with. (So much for the GOP’s being the party of ideas.)
In the current political climate, John McCain and Mike Huckabee have each committed the cardinal sin of departing from the part line on taxes. Rush Limbaugh says that, if either of these worthies gets the part’s nod, it will be ruinous for the GOP. Of course, he makes that sound like a bad thing.
The conservative commentators’ choice remains Romney, who has yet to wrap his Mitts around enough voters to be considered a clear nominee. Faced with a choice of candidates who don’t fit the mold or a candidate who does everything right but lead the pack, many in the GOP may opt out of the 2008 election. What a shame.
In the meantime, my fellow progressives, we must make sure that conservatives don’t discover any more about our plans. Fortunately, there are some clandestine operatives out there who are willing to use elements of the Patriot Act to monitor right-wingers who pose a genuine threat to the American way of life.
This just in. A call from Brett Winterble’s haberdasher. Apparently the new spring tin-foil hats are in...