As an firm Obama supporter for exactly one year today, I'm about as pleased as can be with the chain of events over these last few days. But, hidden beneath this happiness is an honest feeling of guilt. HRC is a fine candidate, even if I could never back her with as much tenacity as I would Obama or Edwards (though I most certainly WOULD back her). Still, perhaps I was raised in too much of a "there are no losers, only degrees of winners" environment because now I can't help but feel guilty because my guy might just end up winning.
First, some background: When Obama first delivered the keynote address heard 'round the world, we all obviously noticed. I joined in the calls to recruit him for a shot at the presidency, but I anticipated 2012 (should a Democrat not have taken 2008) or 2016. I was very much of the group who believed he simply didn't have the experience to lead our nation quite yet.
Before any announcements came, I supported Gore and Edwards. As it became obvious that Gore wasn't going to run, I began questioning my commitment to Edwards. While his voting record and various positions best matched mine, something about Obama began to spark some passion in both myself and my wife (not to mention that, the more we looked the more we both realized that Obama has a pretty liberal voting record and a stellar resume). I fully admit that this difficult to define quality might have been that he was a younger black man with a fascinating back story and a rhetorical gift that rivals some of the best orators in recent history. That may have been what got me on board, but when my wife and I volunteered a year ago today for his rally at UIC, things changed drastically. First and foremost, I was extremely impressed with his supporters. There was a wonderful mix of old school political junkies and folks who had never attended a political rally in their lives. One lady who was manning the isles with me (we were ardently protecting a block of seats for some of Obama's old college buddies) was around 60 and had voted about half of the times she could have, and yet there she was yelling at some teenagers that "those seats there are reserved for Obama! You young folks go find some other place to park it, and thank you for coming." Then came Obama himself. My only exposure up to this point had been a couple things associated with his senatorial run and the 2004 DNC speech. I was not really prepared. I'm not one to tear up too easily, but my lord did I feel the hope, the idea, that this man could be our next president. In other words, the UIC speech did away with my last major concern: I began to see him as extremely electable.
I've not yet mentioned HRC. Let's face it: she was always my last choice. When I looked at the voting records of all the candidates, she matched my beliefs least of all (Kucinich most of all, but I kinda have a love/hate relationship with the guy). Furthermore, and I hate to say that this was my biggest factor but...I always assumed McCain would take the nomination and I really, strongly believe she doesn't have a chance in hell against him. Do I have evidence for that? Not really, just a gut feeling and a bunch of questions asked of all the self-described "independents" I know. That said, I also suspected that HRC would, in fact, take the nomination.
A year ago I bought into a dream that I wanted to believe in but still wasn't sure would actually happen. Following Super Tuesday, I became cautiously optimistic. When the results rolled in for the most recent three, we both were pretty happy but uncertain what it really meant. Throughout the day yesterday, as I struggled with a 103.5 degree fever, my wife kept reporting on the various things she was reading on delegate counts and such while trying to keep me cool with ice packs and cold washcloths. As little sense as it made to me at the time (she kept trying to force me to go to the hospital but I argued with her and, at the worst point, told her "NO! We have to make Jacob vote for Obama too!" Yeah, fevers suck, but it was funny this morning), I did comprehend that we were doing really well, that there was a very good chance that we could pull a win out of this somewhat chaotic primary.
As I began to feel better, she came in the room with a bowl of chicken broth and a smile. "Clinton fired her campaign manager. She's going down." I joined in the revelry, but only briefly.
Me: Doesn't this kinda suck?
Wife: What do you mean?
Me: Well, here we are with two truly revolutionary candidates and we only get to pick one.
Wife: Yeah, I really wish they wouldn't have run in the same cycle. Still, I'm obviously glad he's doing so well.
Me: Me too...but I can't help but feel pretty guilty.
The conversation continued, mainly focusing on the fact that we're both worried about when the next viable female candidate will be shopped around. Perhaps we're silly for thinking about 2016 already, but we're both hoping that Obama selects a female VP, should he take the nomination. I'll be all the more guilt-prone if he doesn't.
I love competition. I like winning and I like for those whom I back to win. All that said, I really wish HRC didn't have to lose for Obama to win. Anyone with me here?