Look, I send my apologies to Bill and to Barack’s wife for this sudden interruption to their domestic arrangements but the survival of the Democrat Party, America and the world is at stake. Marriage between a white female and an African American will pull America and the whole world out of its downward spiral, will demonstrate unity between genders, unity between races, unity between political dynasties and those from the wrong side of the tracks, unity between a one-term Senator and a two, etc.
Look, let’s face it, Bill has not been a model husband. If Hillary terminates him for the good of America, he can’t blame anyone but himself. Or perhaps Monica. Though he didn’t have sex with that women, people understand that something did occur in the Oval Office and it wasn’t a red phone call either.
Bill’s face may have been red, perhaps matching another part of his anatomy, but something definitely happened. I wasn’t there of course but I surmise that Monica struck a blow for the women’s movement while Bill...Bill...Bill groaned in appreciation!
Mrs Obama, whom I don’t know personally, has done nothing that we’re aware of to get the marital chop. But surely she’s thought something mischievous along the way, shook a man’s hand for slightly longer than was necessary? Alright, she hasn’t! But when she thinks about a Republican in the White House again, perhaps another Bush-clone, she will have dire thoughts, murderous thoughts, suicidal thoughts (like most other people in the world) and be willing to sacrifice her marriage to Barack for the good of the country. Now that’s patriotism. All together now: "God Bless America..."
Look, can you imagine the wedding? The President and the Vice President getting married in the Rose Garden. The press, Fox News, CNN, the BBC, would go crazy. Now look, calm down, I haven’t said yet who will be the President, who’ll be wearing the trousers. I’m saving that for later.
Yes, it will be the wedding of the millenia. Ben Hur will look like a dog food advertisement compared to how it will be. There’ll be symphony orchestras, dignitaries from every country: Putin, Olmert, John Howard (who’ll be clutching his Neocon salad bowl), Alexander Downer (who’ll wear his favourite fishnets), Tony Blair will dress as an Arab King, Bush will bring his colouring-in book and pastels, Cheney will probably shoot-through early, Prince Charles will bring his horse, and Rosie probably won’t be!
The wedding night may have a few ups and downs. What will they call each other? Depends on who takes which role I guess, who asserts themselves most, who decides to be on top. What if they both do? It would not be a good look if both of them ended up in intensive care with twin hernias, would it? Who would answer the red phone? Who would say "The Commander guy/gal here!"
No matter. The wedding is the best solution, the only solution. They might need to put twin thrones in the Oval Office. I’m not sure how Barack would look in a tiara but Hillary would be fine. Then I’m not sure how Hillary would look landing on the deck on an Aircraft Carrier wearing a tight flying-suit. Probably fine.
They might need twin red phones too. Although they might settle for a pink one and a blue one!
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