From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
I've been gone for two weeks. In that time:
An Obama surrogate unfairly savaged Hillary Clinton and resigned after apologizing profusely. A Clinton surrogate unfairly savaged Barack Obama and resigned only after vowing to unleash a plague of locusts and Gonorrhea---and gonorrhea-infested locusts---across the United States, while personally supervising the onslaught from her lair. A McCain surrogate had a mild case of constipation which he resolved with All-Bran.
The traditional media kept shouting at me that it's all Howard Dean's fault that a small group of idiots in Florida and Michigan screwed primary voters by breaking party rules, that Howard Dean should pay for do-overs with his own MasterCard, and that Howard Dean single-handedly caused global warming and AIDS in Africa. I won't believe it until Wikipedia confirms it.
An author of a best-selling book was exposed as a total fraud. And yet Jonah Goldberg refuses to apologize. (Or was it Glenn Beck?)
A phone rang in the White House at 3am. Bush handed it to Laura and told her to take a message.
Condi Rice fucked up peace talks in the Middle East. Again.
Ninety six percent of the world's seas became either overfished or polluted. Dolphins began plotting with sea horses to eradicate the human parasites once and for all.
Iran's president was greeted with sweets and flowers in Iraq.
Southwest Airlines and managers in the FAA were busted for blowing off safety inspections of their aircraft. (Naturally, no one has actually been fired yet even though 44 planes have since been grounded). Whistleblowers said their first clue was when the airline purchased a hundred thousand rolls of duct tape.
George W. Bush sang a song containing jokey lyrics about Katrina, Scooter Libby and Iraq at the Gridiron Club dinner. The D.C. press corps found it so funny that cocktail weenies shot out their noses.
Doctors admitted that all those colonoscopies they've given people over the years have been worthless because they didn't know about the "flat" lesions that actually cause colon cancer. Congress unanimously approved a measure forcing those doctors to drink a quart of that pre-colonoscopy goopshit every day for a year as punishment.
The price of oil rose to the point where it's now sold exclusively through the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog.
Bush vetoed a bill outlawing torture in America, paving the way for Dick Cheney to keep making public statements through the end of his term.
China announced that it now has enough long-range, nuclear-powered hovercraft to transport its entire one-billion-man army across the Pacific Ocean. In response, the Pentagon immediately requested another trillion dollars for the war in Iraq.
Cracker Jack announced that the new "toy surprise" they're putting in each box is a home mortgage certificate.
New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned for spending up to $5,500 an hour ($92 per minute!) screwing hookers with gold-plated vaginas and diamond-encrusted nipples. Republican Senator David Vitter was taken to the hospital with a life-threatening bout of convulsive laughter.
One in four teenage girls developed a sexually-transmitted disease. Gay guys issued a brief statement: "Don’t look at us!"
And Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was busted when cops found pot in her ride.
Jesus. I'm glad I wasn't gone for three.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 13, 2008
Note: From the Department of Homeland Security: Effective tomorrow, all liquids sold in the United States---including gasoline, booze and coffee---must be packaged in 3oz containers encased in 12-ounce welded plastic "safety seals." The only exception is the "light syrup" contained in canned peaches. Michael Chertoff regrets the inconvenience.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Pennsylvania primary: 40
Days 'til The Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 126
Active-duty U.S. soldiers who committed suicide last year: 121
Number who injured themselves or attempted suicide: 2,100
(Source: The Washington Post via The Week)
Minimum number of vacation days a country must give its citizens in order to be eligible to join the European Union: 20
Number of vacation days the United States gives its citizens: 0
(Source: Center for Economic and Policy Research)
Number of free-roaming chickens recently kicked off the island of Key West: 416
Number of Mainers recently kicked off the island of Key West along with the chickens: 2
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment (a two-fer):
Any nation that can survive what we have lately in the way of government, is on the high road to permanent glory.
-
As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: $5,500 per hour pootie hooker.
-
CHEERS to bittersweet victories. Andre Carson beat his Republican challenger by 11 points Tuesday, so he's headed to Congress to finish his late grandmother, Julia Carson's, term representing Indiana's 7th District:
"We did it! We did it! Thank God we did it," he said, each line punctuated by a roar from the crowd that packed the hotel ballroom. "I want to thank each and every one of you for your sacrifice, hard work and efforts. This isn't about me. It's about you. I'm not going to Congress. We're going to Congress."
He wished, he said, his grandmother [Rep. Julia Carson], who died of cancer Dec. 15, was there to see this moment.
Someone shouted back: "She is here."
So apparently next Tuesday there will be another special election. And may we say, a very awkward one.
P.S. Upon hearing the results, Geraldine Ferraro said that this never would've happened if Carson wasn't black. Or Muslim. Or the top vote getter. Or conceived by his parents. Can someone please get this woman some help?
JEERS to spilt seamen. Admiral William Fallon, whom President Bush called "one of our country’s foremost military strategists," has resigned from being the guy everyone says "Yes sir!" to at Central Command. His crime: not also being one of the White House's foremost butt-kissers. Memo to Tehran: batten down the hatches, kids...and don’t forget to greet us as liberators!
CHEERS to free advice. Yesterday Eliot Spitzer, who was heralded as the darling of Democrats for sweeping himself into the New York governor's mansion on a 99%-1% election result in 2006, resigned in disgrace for shacking up with the hottest hookers money could buy. But is he really the victim here? Should he be taking the heat? Dr. Laura says HE's the innocent one:
When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings---sexually, personally---to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman. [...]
The cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged and to feed himself where he’s starving. But yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.
Silda Spitzer: Resign! From...something.
JEERS to amateur perverts. Eliot Spitzer thought he could get away with the kind of financial shennanigans that he used to bust people for as a prosecutor. He was---how you say---utterly, terribly and unbelievably wrong. If you, dear reader, take away one lesson from this whole sorry spectacle, remember this: if you're gonna hire prostitutes, never pay cash. Barter barter barter! (Hint: the sexiest words in the English language to a hooker are, "Hey...how 'bout I go back to your place and clean your gutters?")
CHEERS to blind luck. Well, David Paterson, I bet ya never figured this would happen, did ya??! Or...did ya?
Mr. Paterson's decision to become Mr. Spitzer's running mate stunned many in Albany. With the growing strength of Democrats in statewide elections, it seemed only a matter of time before his party took over the [state Senate] chamber, allowing him to join the ruling triumvirate in Albany and take his seat with the governor and the Assembly speaker to decide between them how New York State is governed. By contrast, the lieutenant governor's post brings with it no power and little prestige.
And yet, come Monday he'll be sitting in the chair once occupied by the likes of John Jay, Martin van Buren, Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt, Mario Cuomo, and the strange guy who liked to stand over heating grates all day. Brilliantly played, sir. Item #1: restoring honor and integrity to the office. And then...gay marriage!
P.S. Upon hearing the news of Paterson's ascension, Geraldine Ferraro said that this never would've happened if Paterson wasn't black. Or blind. Or second in line to Spitzer. Or conceived by his parents. [sigh] She's never gonna shut up, is she?
CHEERS to great inventions. On this date in 1877, in Farmington, Maine, earmuffs were patented by Chester Greenwood. Or as we call him up here: The Chosen One.
CHEERS to Saturday Night Live. There's been a lot of grumbling about their treatment of Barack Obama over the past two weeks, and the point is taken. At the same time, their 33-year track record of ridiculing the powerful has been pretty good. Case in point: this bit from December, 2000:
George W. Bush (Will Farrell): It’s official---I’m the president! It’s gonna be cool! Hey! Hey! Maybe I’ll start a war! Wars are like executions supersized! Did you ever start a war?
Al Gore (Darrel Hammond): No, George, I never did.
Bush: I hope I can do it. That Dick Cheney’s gonna be one tough boss.
Gore: Actually, George, you’re gonna be his boss.
Bush: HehHehHeh...don’t I wish it.
Scary.
CHEERS to a good start. The guy who took over Dennis Hastert's seat in Congress---Democrat Bill Foster---started his new career with a bang by casting the most important vote on a new ethics bill. Sounds like the kid done good, according to New Hampshire congressman Paul Hodes:
"For years, the former congressional leadership eroded the faith of the American people through corruption, dishonesty and abuse of power. I came into office pledging to restore the people’s trust and as stewards of the public trust, we must hold Congress to the highest standard and end the abuses of the past. This legislation before us is an important step in restoring the trust of the people we serve in this body. It puts ethics violations in the hands of an independent, nonpartisan board, and that is the right way to give the American people the confidence that any corruption will be investigated fairly and thoroughly."
Today at lunch Congressman Foster may find himself the recipient of an extra pudding cup in the House cafeteria. (Shhhhhhh...our secret.)
CHEERS to the little planet that was. On March 13, 1930, astronomers informed the world they had discovered Pluto. Unable to handle the fame that followed, the ball of rock and ice with the eccentric (read: emotionally unstable) orbit ended up on the drunken-party circuit with Paris and Britney and was publicly canned two years ago. Oh well...there's always the infomercial circuit.
-
One Year Ago in C&J: March 13, 2007...
CHEERS to slaying Murdoch's monster. The Nevada State Democratic Party cancelled its participation in an August presidential debate hosted by Fox "News." When asked what ultimately prompted his decision to pull out of the event, state party Chairman Tom Collins replied: "The drugs finally wore off."
JEERS to way-too-fond farewells. Secretary of the Army Francis Harvey---who was fired for incompetence over the Walter Reed scandal---got a lavish send-off Friday with full military honors (Americablog has another cringe-worthy pic here). In fairness, his goodbye cake was only five layers instead of the usual six. That's gotta hurt.
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to observations from 30,000 feet. Some of these are, sadly, still relevant from our last vacation:
Shortly before the beverage cart comes out, the pilot rocks the plane back and forth, which increases liquor sales by 42 percent.
Shortly after turning off the "Fasten Seat Belt" light, the plane will start shuddering. Shortly after turning on the "Fasten Seat Belt" Light, the plane will ride smoothly.
Seat-back trays are not sufficient for supporting the weight of a nude dancer. Replacement cost: $600 for the tray and $2,000 to [re-]replace three of my teeth.
Delta serves peanuts and cheese & crackers on their flights. This makes everyone feel like they've just won the lottery. How pathetic.
The TSA is a magnet for people with shoe-sniffing fetishes.
And here are a few additions from this year's trip:
If you get an automated "courtesy" phone message from the airline saying your flight will be taking off an hour later than scheduled, do not believe it. They're trying to dupe you so they can free up a couple of seats.
As a result of being a victim of the above airline tomfoolery, we now hold the world record for checking in, vaulting through security and sprinting for the gate to catch a flight that, in fact, was not delayed. Elapsed time: 3 minutes, 12 seconds. They even played the National Anthem and gave us medals. Which made us miss the $#@!# flight.
If you ever get the chance to put on one of those yellow oxygen masks, be sure to stand up and say, "Flight attendant! I am your father! Come to the dark side!" They may not appreciate it right away, but later that night when they're about to fall asleep in their hotel room I bet they'll bust a gut.
Airports are at terror alert level ORANGE, while the rest of the country is at terror alert level YELLOW. I think it's mostly because of the high concentration of babies.
If you're positioned for take-off and the captain unexpectedly taxis off to the side because he needs to "reboot the computer," you may safely assume that the aircraft is running on Windows Vista. This is a good time to scribble your will on a napkin.
Thanks for flying and have a nice day.
-
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I'm so disappointed in Bill in Portland Maine I could die."
---Geraldine Ferraro
2/26/08
-