In the past few days, people have died in Iraq, the economy has taken some pretty heavy blows, and --- HOLY SHIT, STOP THE PRESSES. This just in! We have received reports that Barack Obama's pastor said the words "God damn America", while referring to injustices faced by the black community in the United States.
We will now go to a split screen for the next 72 hours, where we will put the video of this black man jumping around and getting emotional in front of a black congregation on a continuous loop. As you can see from the video, the pastor is black and so is his congregation.
This black pastor's tone of voice and level of emotion is fairly typical of many, many churches across America, but coming from a black pastor in a black church it is quite troubling. Also note that black Democratic candidate Barack Obama attends this black church and often hears this black pastor preaching. This is a significant blow to the Obama campaign.
And now, we go live to all of the quotes from white right-wing pastors and Republican supporters that we will not be talking about so that we can bring you minute-by-minute coverage of black Senator Obama's black pastor's comments in front of a black congregation in a black church:
"Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."
God damn Supreme Court Justices! I hope they fucking die!
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
Democrats, the media, and gay people are EXACTLY THE SAME as Nazis who exterminated millions of Jews, and evangelical Christians are persecuted worse than ANY minority in history.
"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those [gay pride] flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs. It'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
God damn Orlando! God damn America!
"[T]he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
Those crazy husband-leaving, children-killing, witchcraft-practicing, capitalism-destroying, woman-fucking women-folk! When will they ever learn?
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
Pat Robertson is like Don Juan and Casanova all wrapped up in one.
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city."
Dover doesn't want public schools to teach children that God created Adam from dust and Eve from Adam's rib, and all animals on Earth are descended from pairs that made it on Noah's boat before the whole world flooded, completely unchanging since the beginning of time? Fine. God damn Dover!
"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom [Where US Dept. of State is located] to shake things up."
God damn America!
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."
Thou shalt not kill. You know what? Fuck it.
"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals."
God damn gay people!
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
And God damn America!
"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."
Also, God damn Billy Graham.
"[Tinky Winky from 'Teletubbies'] is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol."
And God damn public television children's programming!
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this [9/11] happen.'"
Did I leave anyone out? God damn pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, ACLU, People for the American Way -- you're to blame for the terrorist attacks of September 11!
"Not only is homosexuality a sin, but anyone who supports fags is just as guilty as they are. You are both worthy of death."
Okay, Fred Phelps really just writes his own lines. I can't go over the top on his shit.
"You telling these miserable, Hell-bound, bath house-wallowing, anal-copulating fags that God loves them!? You have bats in the belfry!"
Again, I got nothing.
"Hear the word of the LORD, America, fag-enablers are worse than the fags themselves, and will be punished in the everlasting lake of fire!"
God damn America!
"State universities are breeding grounds, quite literally, for sexually transmitted diseases (including HIV), homosexual behavior, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, alcoholism, and drug abuse."
God damn non-religious, non-private colleges!
He told his dog to go to bed. It wouldn't. And so...
"That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling and swinging the belt."
Hi, my name is James Dobson, renowned child rearing expert and moral authority.
"The demise of our community and culture is the fault of sissified men who have been overly influenced by women."
God damn women and the men who let them out of the kitchen!
"With all due respect to those dear people, my friend, God Almighty does not hear the prayer of a Jew."
God damn Jews!
"All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that. The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing."
God damn New Orleans!
Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick.
Oh, John Hagee, you hilarious, hilarious -- and beautiful -- man.
Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Because women can't be reasoned with! Ha! Ha! Especially when they're on the PMS! Double-ha!
"As a nation, America is under the curse of God."
God damn America!