Disclaimer: Nothing below represents the views of the author. It is merely a transmission he has received by means of RBS-EEG-transcription software, a remote brain-scanning/mind-reading package developed by the CIA in response to Bush Administration requests.
I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am asked to surrender the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton--that is, to fall on my own sword, for the party's sake.
I have considered it. I've discussed it with Bill (who is an asshole, but the smartest asshole of the hundreds of assholes I personally know and one of the very few assholes I actually respect), and I have decided I won't do it--won't give up.
Why should I? Who cares what my party thinks? Here's what people don't get: I'm not loyal to my party. I'm loyal to my country. And if what I do ends up making McCain President--well, that wouldn't be so bad.
What's the big surprise here? I've already said that.
*
I suppose I'd think otherwise if the opposition were Mitt Romney--that cheap plastic Jesus-bothering tightassed bastard--or Giuliani, though I've always thought him a bit of a joke. If by sticking it out I were exposing America to that, there would be a reason to fall on my sword. But McCain? Give me a break. His worst quality is his mouth. Yes, "a hundred years of war" is a bad campaign slogan, but I know what he meant, and he knows what he meant, and he meant that Iraq is a great big bucket of shit that George W. Bush is holding up to the ceiling with a broomstick, and that getting the bucket of shit safely onto the floor without getting a big faceful of shit ourselves is not going to be all that easy. So what else is new?
Other than that, McCain is pro-life and lousy on the environment and hasn't a clue on healthcare or much else, but he's pretty smart.
So suppose my party loses? Will McCain be a catastrophe? Certainly Bush is a catastrophe, but Bush, poor dear, just never had the kilowatts upstairs for the job and everyone knows it, and McCain does have the brains. And supposing he picks Condi for a running mate, well, my work is done.
So if my party loses, America won't.
*
It would be better to win, of course, but--and here's the subtlety, or at least it's subtle in political terms--the difference in probable results between a McCain presidency and an Obama or a Clinton Presidency isn't catastrophic enough to make me commit Seppuku. It just isn't.
And if it isn't, why should I fold? I am sixty! Beyond this campaign, despite that debate bullshit about what a gracious loser I might be if that happened, there isn't much. When you've been here, most any other place is kind of nowhere. I know. I'm married to nowhere.
So I'm not quitting.
Fuck that!
I am going all the way.
Lieberman did it, didn't he?
Either I'll have the White House, or McCain will have the White house, and that is the way it is going to be.
I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, ha #$%^&*(
[Rest of transmission garbled]