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(Courtesy of FooTube News Service)

    Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton held a brief press conference today in Darfur where she has gone to serve soup to starving children; or at least that's what it said over the stage in Wackwack, Pennsylvania, where she was on a campaign stop. The purpose of the conference was to explain the "Tuzla Twist" controversy about her apparently false claim that she had been under sniper fire while in Bosnia with Sinbad and Sheryl Crow.
    One grimacing reporter, apparently puzzled by the "YOU ARE NOW IN DARFUR WITH THE HILLARY HUMANITARIAN EXPRESS" banner over the stage, asked Clinton, "You're sure you weren't just making things up?" whereupon the candidate replied,

    "I wanted to clarify some things, because I've been so busy following the crazed racist hatemongers working for some other candidates that I just plumb forgot the details. Haw haw haw!" she frighteningly laughed. "And here's the skinny...but first let me wish you a happy Easter," as she lobbed chocolate eggs into the audience like so many foil-covered grenades.

    "Ever since I was a Goldfinger, uh, Goldwater Girl, I have always been extreme in the defense of liberty, and here we are in Darfur taking risks to help the suffering." Reporters nervously looked around to see if armed janjaweed militia were going to storm out of the Dairy Queen on the other side of the street. "Now when I was helping Donnie Darko save the world a few years back, in the Yugoslavian region where the Darkos and Ratkos and Slobodans live, there was a very vicious giant rabbit with a sniper rifle roaming the hills." An audible gasp came from the press in the room.
    "Apparently, the creature we know as the 'Easter Bunny' is actually an evil visitor from another dimension, under the control of a mysterious figure known only as Black Osama, a distant relative of O.J. Simpson and Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick." One reporter started laughing so hysterically she swallowed her inhaler. "Anyway, since Tuzla sounds very much like tuzi, which means "rabbit" in Chinese, this evil rabbit--who had been extensively trained by Chigro terrorists in Peking--, was attracted by the name and came to the area to make trouble and foment genocide, the kind that I and my husband quickly stopped in Rwanda." One reporter's eye popped out and started rolling down his face like a big round tear.
    "Bravely under fire, since I am brave, I tapped my ruby slippers three times and opened the interdimensional gate from Bosnia to the similar-sounding Narnia, where I part-time as the White Queen." A few reporters started making flatulence noises with their armpits. "And I know you've heard of "Prince Caspian", but let me tell you, he is no competition for 'Princess Chelsea'". Clinton's daughter Chelsea then flounced onto the Wackwack, PA Millard A. Fillmore High School stage, waving a shiny tin-foil sword thoughtfully provided her by her hedge fund, reporters later ascertained.
    "And Chelsea and I used our magic powers, beat the bad sniper rabbit, ended the Bosnia/Narnia genocide, and everything's fine now!
    "Although none of this was in the YouTube video, it happened off camera. I just wanted to set the record straight."

    One quizzical reporter said, "All these word games, Senator: Tuzla-tuzi, Bosnia-Narnia, Darko-Ratko...do you really expect us to believe this?"
    Clinton looked nervous, and Nixonesque, some said, as she put her left hand in the air and spat out, "Wordplay? I swear on my right hand that I am not and never have been Maureen Dowd."
    "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out to the street and expose myself to Darfurian sniper fire like the experienced war hero I am: McCain has nothing on me, though he's better than Obama." As she put on her sunglasses and prepared to walk off the stage, the bewildered press saw, through what must have been a trick of the light, multiple Hillary Clintons, bending, twisting, morphing, much like the sunglassed Agent Smith in the Matrix films.
    But that could never happen in reality, of course, so they didn't believe what they saw. They sidled out of the auditorium, fearfully looking at the Dairy Queen, wary of giant rabbits. One of them finally broke the silence: "That war in Iraq is going pretty well, isn't it?" Everyone nodded in unison.

Originally posted to David Boyle on Tue Mar 25, 2008 at 02:07 PM PDT.

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