Senator Clinton Introduces Ground-breaking Legislation Aimed at Redefining the Electoral Map.
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(FAUX News) March 25, 2008
New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has introduced legislation in Congress that would annex Mexico, Belize, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, and Panama to the United States. She urged her colleagues in Congress to expedite the legislation and present it to President Bush promptly so that the newly acquired territories could become part of her firewall in the hotly-contested Democratic primary contest.
Trailing Sen. Barack Obama by every electoral metric, Clinton gave due credit to her strategic team led by Mark Penn for coming up with the exciting and ingenious approach to electoral politics. Speaking by phone, Penn noted that "The newly proposed states have a significant Latino population, and Sen. Clinton fares very well with that demographic. This legislation makes it clear that Senator Clinton is inclusive, and believes in the notion of a Big Tent." He also indicated that he hoped to appeal to imperialistic sentiment within the Bush administration. "It's a win-win scenario," Penn declared. Within the Republican Party there is still lingering frustration over America's policy failures in Latin America during the Reagan administration. This is an opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to come together in common purpose." Responding to Republican concerns that the inclusion of the vast new region populated exclusively by Latinos might shift the balance of power in the general election, Penn affirmed his willingness to compromise by suggesting that the 40,545,745 newly-enfranchised voters would be confined to voting in the Democratic Primary only.
Penn dismissed concerns that annexing an entire region might be problematic for American diplomacy and would require a significant military effort by the United States. He noted that Senator Clinton is already on board with the idea of invading sovereign nations, and she would use her status in the Senate to reach across the aisle and work with Republicans and Independents like Sen. Joe Liebermann to advance the bill.
The Clinton plan provoked mixed reactions in the media and within the Democratic Party hierarchy. Executives at MSNBC, FOX, CBS, and ABC appeared to be delighted at the prospect of an extended primary campaign and the enhanced viewer ratings and advertising revenues that they could expect. Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean vowed to remain neutral and let the process play itself out.
The Obama campaign expressed little enthusiasm for the plan proposed by Clinton. They noted that there would be significant administrative problems involved with creating congressional districts in the newly acquired territory, and that HAVA legislation requiring contemporary digital voting equipment would add layers of complexity in the more remote locations in Latin America. Representatives from the Obama camp also pointed out that few of the superdelegates from the newly annexed region would be likely to be fluent in English and familiar with the basic terminology of the American political system. A spokesman for Clinton dismissed these concerns as "yet another attempt by Obama to game the system and take advantage of arcane delegate selection rules."