I am a radical black nationalist. I think Republicans had all the best ideas. I am too white. I use right-wing talking points. And I represent the George McGovern wing of the Democratic party. I have the least progressive healthcare plan.
I am a reactionary wahhabi muslim who wants to enslave the West.
Moreover I go to a left-wing church that preaches liberation theology.
Want to find out more?
Furthermore I am not tough enough to play in the political gutter. Furthermore I have done too many dirty deals in rough and tumble Chicago politics. I am too inexperienced to be commander in chief - a clean slate; moreover, I have a long, controversial track record that the Republican attack machine will use against me.
I'm too unwilling to go on the attack and my campaign has been relentlessly negative against Hillary Clinton.
I am too willing to sell out principles to work with Republicans. Also, I am an entirely conventional liberal who is unwilling to compromise across the aisle. I am too dovish because I want to speak with Tehran, and too hawkish because I want to go after al Qaeda in Pakistan.
My only votes come from negroes and effete PhD geniuses. Like all the ones in Iowa and Idaho. I am an empty suit with no concrete plans. Except the plans to turn the country into a workers' paradise of 70's style socialism, which are deadly serious, and which I will implement while totally caving into the right wing and corporate interests. I will also perpetrate all manner of tax-and-spend liberalism with the help of nefarious free-marketeer advisors from academia.
I am dumb and naive; also I am too smart for the average voter. Dick Cheney is my cousin and my father herded goats.
I am Barack Obama. Want to go a couple rounds?