Greetings and welcome!
Before you go any farther, you have to completely memorize the following then stand up and shout it at the top of your lungs.
WYFP is our community's Saturday evening gathering to talk about our problems, empathize with one another, and share advice, pootie pictures, favorite adult beverages, and anything else that we think might help. Everyone and all sorts of troubles are welcome. May we find peace and healing here. Won't you please share the joy of WYFP by recommending?
Go on. We'll wait.
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Okay then, on to this week's ridiculous offering, brought to you by annoyingly pervasive contentment and general ennui. (Also committed: the offense of last minute, minimal editing because the diarist is a procrastinating piece of cud.):
WYFP - The Fairytale
Once upon a time, there was a little blogger named CJB. CJB knew that the deadline was looming for WYFP and she just couldn’t figure out what her f*#&ing problem was. So she went for a walk.
Suddenly, she ran smack into a young boy who looked very worried. "What’s your f*#&ing problem?" asked CJB. "I traded my cow for these beans," said the boy. "My mother’s going to kill me. Why do you want to know?" he asked.
"Oh, I’m trying to figure out what my f*#&ing problem is."
"You don’t even know what your f*#&ing problem is? Well, then, your stupid!" said the boy and he turned and made his way down the lane.
"Yeah?!? Well, I hope the giant catches you, you little dork!" yelled CJB at his retreating back.
A dejected CJB turned and continued walking down the lane. Gradually she realized that a young girl in a red, hooded cape was walking along beside her.
"Excuse me. May I ask you something?" asked CJB.
"Whatever." said the girl.
"I’m trying to figure out what my f*#&ing problem is and I thought that maybe other people could help me. What’s your f*#&ing problem?
"My f*#&ing problem? You can’t even remember what the hell happens to me! You know that they call me Little Red Riding Hood and you remember that stupid picture of a cartoony wolf in a bonnet from that dorky children’s book you had. But you have no memory of the middle of the story. And you can’t even be bothered to Google the damned thing. Your f*#&ing problem? You’re lazy!" the girl screamed before flouncing off down the lane.
"Oh yeah?!?" shrieked CJB, "Well, you have NO IDEA what you’re about to run into, Miss Crankypants! And neither do I! But I do know you’d better watch out for GRANDMA, girly!"
CJB sniffed back tears as she continued on her lonely path. What was her f*#&ing problem?
As she rounded the corner, she saw three little pigs standing behind a picturesque fence, wagging their stubby tails. CJB walked up and said, "Hello little pigs, I was wondering..."
Before she could finish her sentence, The largest of the pigs laughed and said, "Don’t be an idiot, we’re pigs! We can’t talk! Jaysus, you’re delusional!"
The second pig squealed. The third one grunted. Slowly, all three pigs turned smiling cruelly and trotted off into the field.
CJB watched them go and then turned slowly back to the lane. How would she ever figure out what her f*#&ing problem was?
As she was pondering this, a young, blond girl came screaming around the corner, "Bears! Bears are after me!" The girl careened down the lane and out of sight. A moment later, three bears lumbered into view.
"What was her f*#&ing problem?" asked CJB.
"Something about beds and porridge," said the Mama bear, "What’s your f*#&ing problem?"
"That’s what I’m trying to figure out," said CJB sadly.
"Sounds like your confused," said the Papa bear, turning back toward the road.
"Good luck!" called the Baby bear over his shoulder as they ambled on.
CJB sat down on a rock and rested her chin on her fist dejectedly. "All of those wonderful people that I’ve never even met – people with whom I love to LOL and OMG are expecting me to lead them in the weekly airing of the grievances! Whatever will I do?" she wondered, sadly.
"What is my f*#&ing problem?!?" CJB screamed at the uncaring sky.
When the echoes of her anguish had subsided, CJB heard a strange noise approaching from the distance; a humming sound overlaid by a melodic tinkling both of which grew louder as she listened. She looked up to see a bright glow heading directly toward her. Before she could even think to duck behind the rock, the glow had landed in front of her and exploded, showering CJB with bright sparks, and leaving in its place a coughing, singed-looking being, half angel, half drag queen.
CJB jumped to her feet and cried in wonder, "What are you?"
"I’m you’re Fairy God Father," croaked the strangely-feathered wonder in a deep baritone. "What’s your f*#&ing problem?!?" it queried.
"That’s just it!" wailed CJB, "I don’t know! I went for a walk to try to figure out what my f*#&ing problem is and so far all I’ve found out is that I’m stupid, lazy, delusional and confused!"
"And that’s not good enough?"
"What do you mean!?" asked CJB
"'Stupid, lazy, delusional and confused.' That’s an okay FP. Pretty commonplace, these days, actually. I'm mean, nobody called your ass crazy, did they? It’s not like you spend all of your time LOLing and OMGing with people that you’ve never met."
"Uuuuhof course not. " said CJB, looking around nervously.
She squinted through the smoke wisping from the tips of the being’s wings as the two sized each other up.
"Fairy God Father?" asked CJB
"Yeah?" said the being, coughing harshly and spitting out singed feather.
"What’s your name?"
"Ed."
"Ed, I've got somewhere I've gotta be. You wanna come along?"
"Sure," said Ed.
The two turned and made their way back onto the path. CJB smiled as she reached over and pinched out the last few embers glowing on the tips of Ed’s feathers.
"So, how's the Fairy God Father business these days?" she asked.
"Well," began Ed with a voice dripping with false sweetness, "if it weren't for these gawddamed tights, it would be just lovely. I hate it when these f*#&in’ tights sag!" snapped Ed tiredly, yanking on the waistband of his leggings.
"That'd be your f*#&ing problem, then, eh? I know what you mean," said CJB. "Pantyhose used to kill me."
Ed looked over and studied CJB for a moment before reaching over and putting his arm around her. "Nothin’ like a f*#&ing problem you can share with a pal," Ed said as he squeezed CJB’s shoulder.
"No, indeed, friend." she said, reaching up and tucking in the tags on the neck of his body suit, "No, indeed."
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If I have offended anyone with any part of this, I apologize generically, and would ask you to let me know so that I can apologize individually. (Unless it's regarding the writing of dialogue, at which I've always sucked. You can just leave those offenses unspoken.)
This silly thing took shape at the last minute, and so did "Ed". When he showed up, I was reminded of the gay men and drag queens who made up a large part of my tribe, and who informed my world view during my late teens and through my twenties.
I guess if I truly have a f*#&ing problem tonight after writing this, it’s remembering those we lost to the vicious plague that stole so many brilliant and talented people from us so suddenly during the initial onslaught in the 80s.
So - a toast to those who survive: Strength and health to you. And a toast to those whom we lost: I loved you all more than you ever knew.