Obama was the suitor. Pennsylvania was the object of his desire. And so the seduction began . . . .
Pennsylvania had heard about him, of course. He was said to be quite something. Why, he had waltzed into Iowa, and the first thing you know, Iowa had fallen right into his arms, and frankly, she was SO not his type – not at all. But Iowa seemed to be very happy with her choice, and when he left her for his next conquest, she was all glowy and rosy-cheeked, with that satisfied look in her eye.
That was just the beginning . . . . continued after the fold.
That was just the beginning. One by one, they fell for him. Maine, Minnesota, Missouri, Maryland, and everywhere else, from Alabama and Alaska, to Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Of course, he’d grown up with Hawaii, and Illinois knew him well. That didn’t matter. They fell in line with all the others, and they were his to command. They all loved Obama! Pennsylvania saw how the crowds would scream when he appeared, just like he was a rock star or something. Pennsylvania thought that was just ridiculous. What were those other states thinking? Had they no pride? No self respect? Inevitably, in the crowd, someone would cry out, "We love you, Barack!" And, smooth as silk, he’d croon back to them, "I love you back, Baby. You know I do." And that was all it would take. People were literally fainting! The little hussies just fell all over themselves trying to get in line for his magic.
Lots of states fell for him that you wouldn’t have expected, either: Kansas, Idaho, and Nebraska gave up without a struggle. No one had thought he even had a chance with them – after all, it had been so long -- but somewhere among the ashes, he must’ve found a spark, and he fanned it to a flame. Whatever he did, it sure worked. All the other guys had to have been jealous, and eventually they realized they just couldn’t compete, so they dropped out of the running, one by one. Even chilly North Dakota warmed up to Obama and embraced him with all her heart. And when he went to Texas, he won her heart, and no one even knew about it until later. Her parents didn’t find out for weeks that he had made off with most of her delegates.
Not everyone succumbed, of course. New Hampshire drew back just as she was about to fall into his arms. He was gracious about it, as always, and it seems that New Hampshire now looks back at that time with some regret. Arkansas was in a long-term relationship, so she didn’t give in. New Mexico almost did, then changed her mind at the last minute. Massachusetts sure seemed like his type, but in the end they just didn’t connect, even though a couple of Obama’s friends tried to set them up. Ohio – well, poor thing. She was maybe just the least bit frigid. And if she now thinks back on her decision, and sheds a few secret, salty tears into her pillow in the dark of the night, no one is ever going to hear about it.
But a few tears were nothing compared to the reaction of the states that Obama scorned. Florida tried so hard to win him back. "Come on back, honey. Please come back. I’ll be so good to you if you’ll just come back, " she whispered. But nothing she offered – not her sunny smile, her tanned, trim body, or even that little tiny bikini – could bring him back to her. A man had rules. There was a line that you just didn’t cross. He wasn’t coming back. Florida wept, and tried to move on. But it was hard.
Michigan grew petulant. "Barack, you get back here right this minute! You come back here, you hear me?" She even stamped her foot a time or two, and cried. But Obama didn’t listen. When it came to Michigan, he was . . . . . . well, he was just Uncommitted.
The man sure had something going for him. He hit on those states one by one, and the way they reacted, you would have thought he was the last candidate on earth.
Not that all that mattered to Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania was no spring chicken. She’d been around the block a time or two, and no way was she going to fall for this smooth talking fella, no matter that he was kind of good-looking, in a skinny kind of way. Besides, she was already in a relationship, and they were all but engaged. Everybody knew they were together – and they had been practically forever, and, OK, maybe there wasn’t much sizzle left in the relationship – if it ever had sizzled – but it was a comfortable fit, this old love of Pennsylvania’s – like an old, worn-out shoe that you just can’t bring yourself to throw away.
Nevertheless, as Pennsylvania’s time in the limelight drew near, she found herself sneaking a quick peak in the mirror every now and then. Just to make sure her hair wasn’t mussed, and that her lipstick was on straight. She had no intention of falling for his charms, but it didn’t hurt a girl to be ready. Pennsylvania was going to be totally on her game when Obama came to town. And she was going to show him she was no kind of pushover.
And then something weird happened. Instead of coming to Pennsylvania – and she was next on his list, she was sure of it – it almost seemed like he was flirting with North Carolina! And if she didn’t know better, it looked like he was outright trying to seduce Indiana! Indiana! Why, Indiana was a lot smaller than Pennsylvania – and so flat! She had so much less to offer compared to Pennsylvania’s beautiful rolling hills and luscious highlands. Pennsylvania wouldn’t admit it, but she was a little miffed. Wasn’t Obama going to make a play for her at all?
And then suddenly, there he was. And he had barely knocked on her door, when he surprised her. He brought presents! Like a real suitor! Flowers and candy – and not your everyday, run of the mill ones either. Any fool can pick up a cheap bunch of Rendell daisies from the supermarket, or a wilted bunch of Murtha, or a tiny little Nutter carnation corsage so trifling that it would disappear in the crowd almost before you had it pinned on.
No. Obama’s flower was unique. It was something special. It was the kind of flower Pennsylvania loved best of all. It was an orchid – a beautiful, single, perfect, one-of-a-kind Bob Casey orchid. Pennsylvania loved Bob Casey! It was so unexpected. How did Obama know this about her? And then the candy. Oh. My. God. When he handed over that box of Steelers – every flavor from gorgeous dark chocolate to that luscious vanilla cream . . . Those Steelers went down sooooo smooth. And did that candy ever bring back memories! Pennsylvania’s heart – of course she wouldn’t admit it – but, yes, her hard old heart began to melt just a little.
But Obama took it slow. He was in no rush. He was a man who knew what he wanted – and he knew how to get it. He didn’t come on to her like some kind of maniac. He treated her with the utmost respect, like the real lady she was and always had been. Sure, there was the occasional, accidental-on-purpose brush of their fingers. Every once in awhile, she would look up at him unexpectedly and catch him watching her with his dark eyes filled with that delicious look of longing. But he didn’t come on strong. Not at all. Mostly, they just talked. And talked, and talked.
Gradually, Pennsylvania started to realize – almost against her will – that Obama really did care about her. For one thing, he was deeply saddened by all the soldiers Pennsylvania had sent to Bush’s stupid war, never to return. He told Pennsylvania he wanted to put a stop to it, that he couldn’t bear to see her sacrifice her brave young men and women any longer. He told her he wanted to make sure that every one of her citizens had good, reliable health insurance. And when he sympathized with her about her rusting, vacant steel mills, and began to talk about the possibilities that green energy could bring to her anxious, down-trodden work force . . . Well. Almost in spite of herself, she began to imagine that they might have a real future together, she and Barack. A future filled with factories turning out wind turbines, and solar panels, and maybe even hydrogen cells and electric cars. And jobs. Thousands and thousands of jobs.
And then, Barack began to hold rallies. He started small, of course. Just minor rallies here and there on some of Pennsylvania’s smaller campuses. But, seemingly, almost in spite of himself, the rallies got bigger and bigger, and louder and louder, and more and more thrilling, and Pennsylvania could hardly stop herself from shouting out along with those excited crowds – young and old, black and white, rich and poor, farmer and banker – the glorious cross-section of her beloved Pennsylvanians pouring out their love for Obama.
And one day it happened. She just couldn’t hold back any longer. "Barack!" she cried out. "I love you, Barack."
And he smiled down at her from the platform, looked RIGHT INTO HER EYES, and said – ohmygod, he said it!: "You know I love you back, Baby." And he held out his arms to her, and she stepped into his embrace. And Pennsylvania was his. Forever.