So, me and a couple folk were hanging out last night.
All three of us are Democrats.
All long-time donors.
All dedicated voters.
All, likely, on the same side of issues ranging from the war to taxes to gay rights to stem cell research to Supreme Court nominations to health care.
The Conversation went something like this:
Friend #1: I think Hillary Clinton should really--.
Friend #2: (throwing down spoon) You fucking troll!
Friend #1: (tossing napkin on floor) I'm sorry, what did you just call--
Friend #2: You heard me. And TROLL is not nearly bad enough. Its so much worse than that. You're a fucking race-baiting troll.
Friend #1: Well, I'd rather be a race-baiting troll than a right-wing-enabling troll.
Me: (trying to break in) Um, guys--
Friend #2:Better that than a delusional, gay-hating, race-baiting troll.
Me: Why don't I get some more--
Friend #1: (standing) Well, I'd may be a delusional, gay-hating troll, but at least I'm not a hypocrite, right-wing enabling, KKKemocratic troll.
Me: Coffee? Anyone? Maybe another scone--
Friend #2: (standing, moving forward) Really? Well, that doesn't hold much weight considering its coming from a gay-hating, race-baiting, women-subjugating troll.
Friend #1: (pushing away chair, rolling up sleeves) Hypocrite, right-wing-enabling, KKKemocratic, top-down organizing, Machiavellian troll!
Friend #2: (throwing off gloves, dropping hockey stick) America-bashing, gay-hating, race-baiting, women-subjugating troll!
Me: Hey-- Can we tone down the--
Friend #1: (ripping off shirt, grabbing brass knuckles from purse): Triangulating, DLCer, hypocrite, right-wing-enabling, KKKemocratic, top-down organizing, Machiavellian troll!
Friend #2: (unbuckling pants, pulling Katana from hilt) Jumping-Your-Place-In-Line, America-bashing, gay-hating, race-baiting, women-subjugating troll!
Friend #1: (discarding bra, ripping skirt to pieces so and donning strips like tribal arm and head bands) Arrggggggrgeggggegrrgeeg!
Friend #2: (cutting arm and smearing blood all over face and limbs): Garrhgsfsafasd!
Me: (tossing table on side and ducking behind for cover) Remember John Tester? Remember Jim Webb? Remember how we all worked together to--
Friend #1: (stripping off socks) I will vote for John McCain if your candidate is nominated!
Friend #2: (removing garter-belt) I will vote for and given money to John McCain if your candidate is nominated!
Friend #1: (detaching merkin) I will vote for and give money to and donate organs!
Friend #2: (ripping away super-special-secret religious undergarments) I will vote for and give money to and donate organs and praise George Bush!
Friend #1: (bloodcurdling scream) Reeeeeeeepppuuuuuubbbbb....
Friend #2: (bloodcurdling scream) ...bbbbblllliiiiicccaaaaaaaaannnn!!!
Me: (little voice, scared) Think about the children!?!??!?!?!
*****
In the end, my two friends killed each other in what can only be described as an act of half senseless, brutal savagery, half confused orgiastic lovemaking.
A sad, sad event.
But there was a bright side.
As I mopped up the blood/latte mixture, I mused happily:
"At least we don't do this sort of thing on the internets!"