I was always the militant anti-racist in my family. I was the one who reprimanded my father for using the words "cracker" and "spic". I was the one who had a rainbow of friends, ate everybody's food and believed in sunshine, butterflies and Kum Ba Yah. But the combination of this election season and my decreasing contact with whites is stripping me of my ability to interact with whites in a positive way.
And I'm worried about it. Cause I don't want to turn into my grandmother who assumed that all white people were out to get her. I don't want to feel paranoid and uncomfortable around whites. I don't want to rob myself of possible friendships and social acquaintances because of my anger and paranoia and fear.
I don't know if this is something that happens as we age, as we meld into day to day lives with jobs and routines, but it is not acceptable to me. I refuse to let myself get so mentally lazy that I judge people by the color of their skin.
I would like to say it started when Ferraro made her horrible statement about Obama only getting where he is because of his race. But the truth is it started a while ago. Despite having white best friends through grade school and college, something was happening. It was slow moving and insidious. As I grew up and moved around the country, old friendships died and new ones were born. The new ones were mostly other blacks and some Latinos. A few new white friendships were born but they were tenuous. I felt nervous about inviting my white friends over when I knew it would be "a houseful of black folks"--nervous because I didn't want to make THEM nervous. So we spent less time together. And less and less time. And eventually my white friends and I fell away. Almost all of those friendships now consist of irregular emails and ecards. My workplace is almost 100% Latino and hell, that is where I meet people. I was planning on rectifying this situation sometime this summer when I'd have time to go DO stuff but then Gerry made her stupid comments.
And lots and lots and lots of white people agreed.
And for the first time in my life I found myself truly stunned. And I began to question how whites perceive me. I always took it for granted that all people saw my story basically the same way. I started working at 16 and I've worked ever since. My parents never supported me. I put myself through college and currently, through grad school. Everything I have in my life, I've gotten through hard work and determination. But apparently, that is not good enough. Surely, I must be successful because I am black. The merits of my work decrease because of some perceived ADVANTAGE I have via my skin color. The statement is laughable on its face but so many people agreed with Gerry that a deep hurt and anger has been born in me.
It is never enough.
I felt like I'd just learned the lesson my grandmother had been saying my whole life: "white people will never give you credit for what you do because you're black." And so far, I have not seen anything in this "national conversation about race" that disputes that. I was an alternative precinct delegate for Obama and our county convention (TX) was last Friday. After attending a neighborhood "strategy planning meeting" I didn't show up at the convention. After the somewhat uncomfortable (for me) meeting, I just couldn't bring myself to go be the minority again. I couldn't stand the thought that some of them would be thinking that my support for Obama has anything to do with his race.
This is the first time in my life I didn't go/do/be something because of my color. I've been to Germany, England, France, South Africa, Luxembourg and many other places. I've been the only black woman in a stadium full of whites, the only woman in a club full of men; I've been the "only" plenty of times. But something in me is saying "NO MORE".
Now, my biggest hope is that I can overcome this sadness and MoveOn. I have to remind myself that my grandmother is 71 and I am 27. I don't want to be her. My world is bigger and more varied. My choices are unlimited. My opportunities are endless. I will fight this demon back and I will win. My grandchildren will not remember my voice speaking poisoned words. I will win.