(Cross-posted from The Blue Line)
Recently, the Internet has seen a proliferation of sites like "Stuff White People Like," "Stuff Asian People Like," and "Stuff Lesbians Like." All are designed to help you make friends and win favors from members of these groups by explaining the kind of stuff they like. However, no manual has yet been written for those who find themselves in the unfortunate position of having to deal with Republicans on a regular basis. The following is a guide to understanding stuff Republicans like. It will help you avoid detection as a non-Republican and, if you play your cards right, even get Republicans to do stuff you like for you.
#1 Guns
Republicans consider gun ownership both a God-given right and the privatized solution to all the world’s problems.
Many Republicans are particularly adamant about their right to own a gun for hunting purposes, regardless of whether they actually hunt (see: Romney, Mitt). Under no circumstances should you point out to a Republican that quail, venison, and other game meats are readily available in many restaurants and grocery stores; doing so will likely cause them to consider you an effete liberal who does not understand the value of hard, manual labor. Curiously, this reaction is usually strongest among those Republicans who have never actually done any hard, manual labor.
Many advanced Republicans choose to hunt at quail ranches, where they shoot at farm-raised birds whose wings have been clipped on fenced-in preserves, exactly like their forefathers did. If a Republican invites you to go quail hunting with him, it is a certain sign that you have successfully ingratiated yourself with the Republican. To cement relations, you should certainly accept, but only after you have made very, very sure that that Republican is not Dick Cheney.
Other Republicans believe that gun ownership is necessary to allow citizens to defend themselves against crime, drawing on the firm conviction that some people with guns are better than other people with guns. Many Republicans believe that citizens have a right not only to keep guns at home but also to carry them, concealed, in public places, assuming that serial killers will be deterred from committing crimes by the knowledge that someone, somewhere might have a gun in their pocket. If the issue of gun control arises in conversation with a Republican, you can win major credibility by complaining about liberals who are trying to ban the sale of semiautomatic assault weapons, since only an AK-47 can truly suffice to defend private homes against burglars.
#2 Heterosexuality
Republicans uniformly love heterosexuality, although they are divided about the degree to which they hate homosexuality. Some Republicans believe that homosexuality is an evil that should always be condemned; others are willing to tolerate it among those members of Congress who make passes in airport bathrooms at people other than police officers. A very small proportion of people consider themselves both gay or lesbian and Republican. Despite its best efforts, modern science has so far failed to explain why these people’s heads have not exploded from the effort of constantly contradicting themselves.
Regardless of their beliefs about homosexuality, Republicans can all agree that marriage needs to be protected against gays and lesbians, whose secret radical agenda is cloaked in an innocent request to settle down with someone who snores, just like a straight marriage. Republicans firmly believe that heterosexual marriage is a timeless and sacred institution; and because it is so deeply rooted in history, even one legally sanctioned same-sex marriage could destroy the entire institution forever. If the topic of same-sex marriage arises in conversation with a Republican, never suggest that divorce poses a bigger threat than homosexuality to the American family.
#3 Passing Things Off to the Private Sector
It is common knowledge that most Republicans love big, private-sector businesses like Wal-Mart, which supplies quality items at low prices and pays wages that would be perfectly sufficient if we would all just stop whining. However, it is less well known that Republicans would be even happier if Wal-Mart took care of schools, Social Security, and the highway system in addition to providing people with microwaves, Razor scooters, and new tires. Republicans love the idea of privatization because it appeals to one of the most easily understandable precepts of oversimplified economics: "Competition Is Good." Interestingly, many Republicans maintain their faith that the power of competition will improve the quality and efficiency of services even if they are privatized through a no-bid contract process.
Understanding Republicans’ love of privatization can be a handy all-purpose tool; whenever a Republican mentions some function that local, state, or federal government currently performs, simply suggest privatizing it. For instance, if a Republican mentions that her child recently entered private school, say, "Good for you for sticking to your principles. Those bureaucrats at the School Board are so inefficient! Why don’t they let Halliburton put in a bid to take over the school system?" This will play on Republicans’ longstanding belief that the private sector can perform virtually any function better than the government can. Never point out that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy as long as Republicans are in power.
This article has been cross-posted from The Blue Line, Harvard’s liberal standard, which has recently departed from its print roots and been revived in a new online format. Its articles range from the outrageously hysterical to the thoughtfully written, touching on issues ranging from the Spitzer scandal to Obama’s relationship with the Jewish community. Want to hear from the Chairman of the vast-left wing conspiracy? Or looking for limericks on the candidates who have dropped out of the race? You may not have been, but The Blue Line is sure to provide a breath of fresh air in the world of political commentary.
In short, if you really want to know why Democrats are morally, intellectually, and frankly physically superior to Republicans, you should check it out.