(With apologies to Abbot & Costello)
Cast of Characters:
John Conyers (D-MI), Chairman, House Judiciary Committee
Minority Member, name withheld by request
Scene:
The Halls of Congress
John Conyers: We need to bring Yoo up before the Committee.
Minority Member: What for? What did I do?
JC: You? No, I mean Yoo.
MM: You guys never let up . . .
JC: You can say that again . . .
MM: Ever since you won the majority . . .
JC: What's the majority got to do with Yoo?
MM: It's all you folks ever think about. Anything to hang Bush's ass.
JC: Look, Yoo may have committed an act of treason.
MM: You can't be serious!
JC: He absolutely is!! Yoo gave Bush a blank check to torture. Yoo ruined our good name in the eyes of the world.
MM: I told you that my presence at Congressman Foley's intern party was entirely innocent. I was there to discuss trade policy with Hu's China.
JC: I don't care about your dirty laundry; it's Yoo I'm after!
MM: Really? Since when? I had no idea . . .
JC: Don't you read the papers? Bush's chickens are coming home to roost. And lately they all seem to be gathering around Yoo.
MM: Really? And these chickens would include . . . you?
JC: Hmm. I guess you could say that. Cigarette?
MM: No thanks, I quit for New Year's. But don't tell the tobacco lobby. Look, John, why bring the Committee into it? Why can't we keep this between you & me, just for now?
JC: Yoo can't be swept under the rug; straightening out this mess with Yoo is vital to the nation's security, and I don't care whose toes we step on. We've got to make it public.
MM: John--I warn you, Hu's got nothing to do with this. Don't go there, it could get ugly. We don't want to raise Beijing's hackles. With the Olympics & all . . .
JC: Who are you talking about?
MM: Exactly. I'll take you up on that cigarette.
JC: Who told you about the torture memos?
MM: No, Watt did. Hu's got his own torture issues to deal with.
JC: What do you mean? Does this involve Yoo?
MM: Hell no!-- Hu! Watt's another issue & I've got nothing to do with it.
JC: Who said you did . . . ?
MM: He did? That bastard. I told Foley we never should have . . .
JC: What's with Foley? He's history.
MM: Watt had nothing to do with Foley; he's clean.
JC: OK, let's start over. What's the problem with calling Yoo up before the committee?
MM: John, please . . . my wife, my kids . . .
JC: What have they got to do with Yoo and torture?
MM: Surely you wouldn't humiliate me like that. A public hearing . . .
JC: Given what I've seen of the memos, he wouldn't have a problem with humiliating you. Yoo gave Bush the green light, after all; anything goes, sleep deprivation, water boarding, sexual humiliation . . .
MM: My life, my career. I can't let you do this.
JC: My point exactly, neither can I. That's why I'm calling Yoo to testify.
MM: But what about Hu?
JC: What about . . . who?
MM: Hu knows everything.
JC: Good question. Yoo?
MM: John, as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to hell.
JC: Well, let's not be hasty. I have nothing but contempt for Yoo, but we must put up appearances. We have a hearing to conduct. We must get to the truth.
MM: You can't handle the truth.
JC: In his position I can understand that he probably can't. Who could?
MM: Hu can . . .
JC: Exactly.
[Pause]
MM: I need another cigarette.
[Finis]