This is the most personal journal I have ever written. I did a lot of second guesing before I started writing it. "They" say that you should be carefull about what you post on the internet for the whole world to read. "They" say it could come back to haunt you. I just felt it was time to tell this story. You see I'm Black Jamaican-American from a pretty religous back ground who became a homophobe, then stopped being one. I wish the reason I stopped being one was a great a shining moment but it was rather a wierd way to have an epiphany. But I also think my friend JA who helped me along the way knew that was the best way to reach me. Well here goes.
Jamaica has the reputation of being a very anti-homosexual country. I wasn't born there, but my family is from their and I was partial raised there. My family comes from two areas of the country with the most violence against homosexuals. Jamaica's urban core (the Kingston-Portmore-Spanishtown area) and Mandeville a more upscale inland city area that has enough of a gay population to actually be able to target. Strangely I didn't really develop my anti-gay feelings there. I also grew up in a rather conservative church. My father had left the Episcopalian church and we went to a presbyterian church as children every week. Yeah I remember looking back years later some sermons denouncing homosexuality but that also isn't were I developed my anti-gay feeling. Yes I'm Black, and many people consider (maybe with some justification) that homosexuality is viewed as more unacceptable in the Black community. But once again that isn't where I became anti-gay. Lastly I went to high school with a kid we "knew" was gay. Speaking to the coordinator of our high school reunion he actually came out years later. But once again that isn't where I became anti-gay.
I actually became more anti-gay in college. A time where my world and political views were moving more to the left, I was becoming more anti-gay in my outlook. I guess there were two main causes. I was feeling more separated from any west-indian culture going to college in the midwest (leaving the east coast). Secondly in order to feel more connected I turned more to music, specifically dancehall reggae. Let me say to this day I love reggae, it's the music of my soul, but I would be lying if I didn't say it influenced me. See in reggae every major upcoming dancehall artist has to make a least one one antigay song. In Jamaica patois we call them battymon (butt or ass men) and you get the biggest crowd response when you say from the mild "we don't like them", to fire pon dem ("light them {gays} on fire" ), or most likely "batty mon fi dead" (gays should be killed) or the like. Trying to fit in more with a culture I felt I was slipping away from led me to try and DJ or "chat pon di mike" (note: in reggae the DJ is rapper not the MC) and to really get people going you had to say shout out some sort of anti gay slur.
To make my music sound more authentic (since my accent has always been light) I tried to keep up with the more anti-gay language kicking around reggae. To justify myself I began to quote more "biblical" reasons even though deep down I didn't really feel that way. I just kept it up.
Fast forward a few more years. I started my first job in my career. Well in my department their was a gay man. No body wanted to work with him, mostly because he was gay (although there was a few other reasons, let's not kid ourselves). One day I was asked to fill in on the development team he was on, working on the second shift. I agreed although I asked people if it was true this guy JL was gay. I think I asked if "JL was a few cubes to sweet in his coffee", just some euphemism to ask the question. I was told he was. I worked with him that night although he was very quiet. I also noticed he seemed very hard on himself and depressed. Actually he was miserable, and I knew why, he felt like other people didn't like him because he was gay, and he couldn't be himself.
I wish this was the point of the story were i saw the errors of my ways and just changed my outlook. It wasn't. I happened about 2 months later. I had a conversation with my friend JA who was normally on JL's working group.
I asked JA "you don't have a problem working with JL?" He said "no JL is a pretty nice guy". JA then said "JL even visited his house a few times?" I was floored. I said "you let him come over?What did your girl friend think?" JA said she didn't have a problem with it. Now let me explain who JA is. His dad was a union steward, he is from a Blue collar town, he is an Orthodox Christian, very proud of his faith. Even though he was a college grad JA is your stereotypical ethnic Democrat. I think he was a little surprised that I had these feelings toward gays. We had had a lot of conversations about racial discrimination, issues of race, ect.
I told Ja I could work with anyone, but I wouldn't want a gay man over my house. I told JA the gay lifestyle is a sinfull choice. I think people may be genetically predisposed to homosexuality, but they still have a choice to go that way. JA got quiet I could see him thinking most of the rest of the evening. I couldn't quite figure out what was going through his head. Little did I know that the next day was going to be my ephiney on gay rights.
JA waited that Friday until everyone else left. At the time I was in my mid 20's and I liked to work late on Fridays, take a shower at work then go out. JA did the same thing. That was the time mwe had most of our deep discussions on race, politics, ect. At about 7:30 (for some reason I alwasy remember the time) JA sprung his trap.
JA "Hey Dopper"
Dopper "Yeah"
JA " would you ever suck a cock for a $100,000"
Dopper "No there isn't enough money in the world to make me do that!"
JA "What about a million dollars"
Dopper "No. Did you hear me Jamaicans don't play that!"
JA "You never even would consider ever sucking a cock even if it would set you up financially for the rest of your life"
Dopper "Yup! It wouldn't be worth it, I would have to live with myself"
JA "Well think about JL. Think of all the times he ws beat up, treated like an outcast, discriminated against. If he could stop it don't you think he would? It has to be who he is. You wouldn't do what he does naturally even for a million dollars! Think about how easy his life would be if he could just choose to be straight."
I was stunned. Know one had ever put it that way. Yeah it was a vulgar way of making a point. But for some reason it struck me on a visceral level, that all the high minded speache son the subject never did. Maybe growing up working class myself, it ws the way this came from another working class joe. Even though we both were better of financially we still had a little bit of the neighboorhood in us, and JA knew how to put it in a "neighborhood" way.
I remember leaving work that night thinking hard. I went out to a bar that night but left early because I was deep in thought. Was JA right? Was I being fair about how I treated JL? How does that fit into my own beliefs? But I couldn't get over a very simple point. If someone found something pleasurable that would would make their life easier if they stopped why wouldn't they. This is a sane person, not suffering from any menatl defect (I just didn't buy that conservative line on mental defect, even at my worse I didn't buy it). It had to be a natural condition. If it's a natural condition how could I hold it against JL? Why was I reacting this way towards people who had never done anything to me?
That weekend the walls started to crumble around my beliefs on gay people. I know the first night I tried to befriend JL I went a little overboard. It's funny because I have had white folks overreact towards me because they want to show they are inclusive. But I think he took it good heartedly.
But I felt much better, because in alomost every other area of my life I'm an inclusive person. This was really the major "bad-mark". But it's also why in many ways personal friendships are the best way of convincing people to make changes. All the college debates, and progressive politicians I know, couldn't do it. But friends often know how to reach you in ways (even if there coarse or inpolitic) that these other sources can't. I would like to appologize to anyone I offended in the past with my lyrics, but I'm a much better person as I have moved on.
So in short that's how I stopped becoming a homophobe. A good friend made a coarse (but true) remark, that made me re-examine my beliefs. I wish a more polite and elequent way could have reached me but he knew it. By the way I gave money to try and help defeat anti-gay marriage amendments in 2004. Thank you JA.