Another article that never got published. I was offered $100 by one of the local City Papers in Portland, OR but the editor pulled out at the last minute.
WHAT DO BOOBS GOT TO DO WITH IT?
By Varinthorn Christopher (A.K.A. Siamese Buckaroo)
I just turned thirty years old this year. Turning thirty has been easier than I thought it would be. I spent my teenage years hating the way I looked but when I reached thirty, somehow I learned to appreciate my body as it was and valued more of what I had accomplished and was capable of doing. I thought it might be the after effect of the show "Ugly Betty" which I used to watch religiously until I sold my TV in favor of a wall projector. "Ugly Betty" (who is not that ugly really) is about an ugly girl who ventured successfully through the glamorous fashion world solely with a good heart, bravery, and a huge brain. I still watch "Ugly Betty" but in small clips through YouTube. One day while searching for something to watch, I stumbled upon Salma Hayek’s interview on The David Letterman Show. Salma, who is the executive director of "Ugly Betty" told Letterman that she used to pray to God for bigger breasts, "I prayed for the miracle that I wanted to happen. I put my hands in holy water and said, 'Please God, give me some breasts!'"
And God has provided, obviously.
My first reaction was that I wished Buddha was as cool as Jesus. Then I think I hit a midlife crisis. I looked at my surfboard body and started to panic. I pondered if there was such thing as an instant baptism. Even if it was possible, I still feared that the priest wouldn’t take my reason seriously. Then I looked back on my past twenty years of misery; boys treating me badly, my tank top constantly coming down, my awkward feelings during swim class, to name a few experiences. If I were to live in the Stone Age and people had to decide whom to kill, a girl with enormous breasts or me, fortunately for those people, I would be an easy answer that required no brainstorming or recount. Small breasts were viewed as unfit for motherhood although my doctor told me that it has nothing to do with quality or amount of breast milk production. It is sad and unfair what I and other fellow small breasted women have been through. Small breasted women need affirmative action and better jobs. After all, we can’t choose to be naturally top heavy.
But how can I prove it? I decided to do some small social experiments. I posted two classified ads on Craigslist using my photos; one is my normal picture and another one with my head Photoshoped on a big breasted body. To keep the story flowing, I chose Salma Hayek’s body. Craiglist prevents users from putting similar ads in the same market, so I had to put one ad in New York & another in Chicago. I tried to use identical language but I had to keep it different enough so that Craigslist’s software didn’t detect and block it. Here is what I posted:
(From Craigslist New York City)(My Photo with big breasts)
Girl needs a room
Hello! I just moved from Thailand & I need a room. Anything will do. I don't have a lot of money & I’m willing to work for room & food. I'm a nice, hard working girl.
(From Craigslist Chicago)(My normal photo--flat breast)
Do you have a room for hard working Thai girl who doesn’t have a lot of money? I’m willing to clean or do anything for the room and food. I work hard and nice.
Now, bear in mind that I did this the night before Thanksgiving so my timing is not quite perfect. The next morning I woke up with the message from Craigslist that my big boobs ad was removed by the Craiglist community. I am not sure whether it was removed because someone noticed it was Salma Hayek’s body or because I looked too sexually attractive. However I did receive ten email responses for the big boobs ad. The responders were eight men, one woman, and one couple. The response ranged from normal replies to a heartfelt helpful male who wanted to share a room with me. Some offered me a totally free room (with a note that it is intimate living situation), some offered to find me a job & pay rent when I have some money, one mentioned that he has a water bed and mirror on the ceiling, and one man boldly wrote that he is horny. There was a surprise from one women responder, who was concerned about my welfare as a Thai girl in New York. Expectedly, I received only one response from my normal picture ad. It was just one of those regular boring messages from a landlady. While reading my email, it hit me that big breasted women have their own problems. Their lives don’t seem so safe to me. I began to empathize with their teenage problems; boys constantly staring at them, their nipples often flowing out of tube tops, and their discomfort during gym class, to imagine a few. What I learned from this experiment is that we all have our own problems and insecurities. What "Ugly Betty" and Salma Hayek tried to tell me is that with a good heart and non-stop ambition I can win it all. However, for now, this weekend, I will be at the mall hunting for Wonder Bras.