Last night, Bill Bennett, a man who estrablished his own "maverick" conservative credentials during the Reagan years through hints in media profiles that he might have slept with Janis Joplin as a college undergraduate, referred to Barack Obama as the most liberal member of the U.S. Senate.
And of course it's true. No one on CNN's "best political team on television" or whatever it is they keep calling themselves, challenged him on this because of course it's true. Barbaras Boxer and Mikulski might disagree. Ted Kennedy might chalk it up to his collaboration with the Bush administration on No Child Left Behind. It might inspire John Kerry to write a few more diaries here to catch up. But, no, Bill Bennett wrote a a book about values. He won the drug war in the 80s. He wrote a book about how we should be outraged about blow jobs. He is a conservative intellectual and - until today - knows more than you do about the subject.
But now, you too can determine the most liberal member of the U.S. Senate using the foolproof Republican formula that has successfully identified the most liberal U.S. Senator in the last eight election cycles. Let's dump the ballyhoo and go straight to the criteria.
- Remember, the last rule is the most important rule.
- Choose a benchmark senator, possibly one who is in the news recently.
- How does the senator vote on spending bills. Count each yes vote as 1 point establishing liberalism. Count each no vote that is in any way construed as compromising national security as 2 points establishing liberalism. Make sure not to subtract yes votes on national security items if they in any way include constituent services, such as body armor for our troops, public transportation to a theater of battle and the like. This, of course, is pork when voted on by the liberal senator.
- Examine the senator's voting record and public declarations relating to the roles of the public and private sector in solving the nation's problems. Give the senator 5 liberal points for any position that involves a a public rather than private solution. However, give the senator three points for any attempt to treat issues of morality as private-sector matters. In particular, give the senator 10 liberal points if he advocates in any way using non-regulatory means to benignly discourage teenage sexual activity, out-of-wedlock conception and in particular abortion.
- If you have any trouble pronouncing the senator's name, add four liberal points. These points are eligible even if the name falls within conventional Anglo-Saxon nomenclature but you have been socialized to mis-pronounce it (see Barney Fag) or to add extra syllables to it (see Teddy Bleeping Kennedy or That Bleep Hillary). When in doubt, remember what Loretta Lynn said about Michael Dukakis: "I can't even pronounce his name." Note that Dew was her nickname for her late husband. Cock is, well, cock. And a Kiss is still a Kiss. No one questioned Loretta on this, and the elder George Bush, standing next to her, laughed in approval.
- Give two liberal points for each case in which the senator advocates environmentally repairing a ravaged area, with the exception being Hurricanae Katrina damage limited to Mississippi.
- Similar topic. Give five liberal points if the senator regularly uses the words "climate change," "global warming" and "carbon footprint" with the exclusion of any senators whom you can tell are winking or smirking when they uses these terms. This is a judgment call, but you know who we're talking about.
- Give all extra points needed if the senator is the presumptive Democratic Party nominee for President.
I hope that clears things up.