FOR PREVENTING U.S. ALLIES IN IRAQ FROM BECOMING A BURDEN TO THEIR NEIGHBORS AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PRESIDENT AND THE GOOD PEOPLE OF CRAWFORD, TEXAS
(with apologies to Messrs Swift and Olbermann)
IT IS a melancholy object to think this weekend about the President and his family celebrating his daughter’s wedding in Crawford, Texas, when close to 5 million Iraqis have been displaced by violence in their country, thanks to his invasion and occupation of Iraq.
More than 2.4 million Iraqis have been forced to vacate their homes, and approximately 2.5 million have fled to Syria, Jordan, Iran, Egypt, Lebanon, Turkey and Gulf States, unable to enter the countries of their liberators in Europe and America. Thus, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, these Iraqis are forced to leave their homes and country, and beg for sustenance for their helpless families.
Meanwhile, Crawford, Texas, in the present deplorable state of our kingdom, fights for its own survival as "the Home of George W. Bush."
The good people of Crawford must resort to selling "Jenna Bush & Henry Hager's Crawford Western White House Wedding Commemorative Items" such as coffee mugs and Texas Longhorn exclusives. They also promote "ANYBODY BUT HILLARY CLINTON for President in 2008" buttons, and "I'd Rather Hunt With Cheney Than Ride With Ted Kennedy" refrigerator magnets.
These they hawk on the Internet and to visiting foreign dignitaries who have time to stop at the Coffee Shop in McGregor, Texas, the "original Coffee Shop President Bush visited where he enjoyed their Chicken Fried Steak and Southern Hospitality."
I think it is agreed by all parties, even Keith Olbermann, that it is a great grievance that the people of Iraq are forced from their homes and a greater additional grievance that the good people of Crawford, Texas, must resort to selling this prodigious number of commemorative items, custom made for them by the hardworking children of China.
Therefore, whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of providing the citizenry of both Iraq and Crawford, Texas with an opportunity to become sound, useful members of society, as well as provide the President with a meaningful understanding of the consequences of this endless war, would deserve so well of the public as to have his or her statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
Having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. These American leaders suggest Middle East resettlement schemes, concrete walls, and rebate checks as a way to address the weaknesses of our social, economic, and energy policies at home and abroad.
Verily I say unto them, what are you thinking?
Can we not all agree to provide the citizens of Iraq and Crawford, Texas in such a manner as, instead of being a charge upon their countries, requiring food, raiment, and the selling of commemorative items for the rest of their lives, that they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the well being of both the President, his family, and the prosperity of Crawford, Texas?
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I do, therefore, humbly offer it to public consideration that the five million displaced Iraqis be given an opportunity to occupy our country, in the wide-open and unsettled spaces outside of Crawford, Texas (current population 789).
Here they may practice their traditional handicraft and agriculture, bringing value to the commemorative items and chicken fried steaks sold to visiting dignitaries.
With such a huge influx of population, land values would boom, reviving a much-needed interest in real estate, and the new occupiers can build houses, clear brush, and cultivate land, making a garden grow in the midst of a desert as their ancestors have done for centuries.
These new citizens will also bring their great traditions of art, literature, science and mathematics to the good people of Crawford, Texas, sharing their culture and ancient heritage, as well as building schools, hospitals, great libraries, and coffee shops where visiting dignitaries can stop. They can even hold signs and support our troops at the Pro-Bush Camp Reality demonstrations when the President comes and goes from his own Texas-based version of the Green Zone.
As to my self, having been wearied for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging America.
In conclusion, I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for the good people of Iraq and Crawford, Texas, and giving some pleasure to the President and his family who have truly missed the great impact of his war.
Be it known I possess no real estate in Crawford or in Texas, and, thus, will not make a single penny from my suggestions here.