Last night as I was watching Countdown, they showed a clip of Senator Clinton smiling and shaking hands with supporters. I was immediately hit with a wave of sadness. I tried to explain this sadness to my boyfriend, who was watching with me. He listened, but I don't think he quite "got it".
Thus I am prompted to write my first diary as a Kossack.
Follow me over the fold.
I was undecided until late January / early February. But once I chose Senator Obama as my candidate, I was firmly behind him. One might say I fell in love. I bought the t-shirt and the button, made donations and caucused for him in the Texas primary. Barack Obama, this handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, positive man, turned me into a political junky. He made me excited about the election and about the Democratic party. He made me think that I could actually make a difference. Like many Obama supporters, I feel so energized, so full of hope for the future, and so full of pride that our country has finally reached this wonderful moment some 40 years after the civil rights movement.
Adversely, watching Senator Clinton's campaign these past few months, I felt anger and disappointment. I was disappointed at the lies like the Bosnia sniper fire incident. I was outraged that she didn't disown comments by the likes of Geraldine Ferraro. I was angry that Hillary chose to attack her fellow Democrat instead of attacking the common enemy in McCain. I said lots of angry things about Hillary and her campaign. My anger turned to hatred for this woman, this Senator, this former First Lady.
So why did that image of Senator Clinton make me so sad?
As a woman, I know firsthand that sexism is alive and well in our country. It's the little things, like the jokes about PMS and how women are such nags, women are so emotional, women can't drive, they can't make rational decisions, they're bitches. You turn on the radio and hear the deejays on the morning shows making jokes about their old lady. You get some chain email joke about "dumb blondes". It's also the big things. Like the glass ceiling that still exists in so many businesses. It's talking to your boss at work and realizing that he's looking at your chest instead of your face. It's the boys club going out golfing and "oh honey, won't you get us some more coffee." It's that women are judged by how they look and by what they wear, rather than their intelligence and what they contribute to both business and society. It's that there is even a discussion about whether a woman can be President.
I think so often that men really don't understand just how much sexism a woman deals with on a daily basis. Even my boyfriend who is as progressive as me and who I love dearly doesn't quite get it. Women just deal with it. We ignore it. We smile and go about our business. We try not to let it get us down. We try harder and work harder. We stuff our femininity aside so we can compete in a "man's world".
Again, so why did that image of Senator Clinton make me so sad?
Why am I, an ardent Obama supporter, a person that has been so angry at Hillary Clinton that I could just spit, saddened now? I believe it's because I was so full of hope for Hillary - for what Hillary represented. Even if she wasn't my candidate, I was full of hope for what she could do for women everywhere; for what she could show us; for the gift of her simply running for Democratic candidate for President. I was so full of hope for this strong, smart woman, this mother and wife, this Senator. I was proud of her and I felt that she let me down.
And now I have my answer. I don't feel the same anger that I did. I feel that anger slowly melting. I hope that Hillary doesn't do anything to disappoint me. I hope that she goes out with her head held high, graciously. I hope that, even after everything that has happened, after everything wrong that I feel her campaign has done, I hope that she doesn't let me down again. And now we're to the real answer I was looking for - I believe that Senator Clinton realizes all these things too.
I hope she does.